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Posted by: Lester Feb 6 2011, 03:15 PM

Just came across these, enjoy!

Basic rules for the blues:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch... ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound freight train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. Adulthood means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Reno. ("Just to see him die")

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and 'Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain. (ie; Phoenix)

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot and sit by the Dempsy Dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues (a) highway ( jailhouse © empty bed (d) bottom of a whiskey glass.

11. Bad places for the Blues (a) Nordstrom's ( Art gallery openings © Ivy League institutions (d) Golf courses.

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? YES, if: (a) you're older than dirt ( you're blind © you shot a man in Reno (d) you can't be satisfied. NO, if: (a) you have all your teeth ( you once were blind but now can see © the man in Reno lived (d) you have a 401K or trust fund.

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: (a) cheap wine ( rot gut whiskey © muddy water (d) black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: (a)Perrier ( Chardonnay © Snapple (d) Slim Fast (e) Scotch

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women: (a) Sadie ( Big Mama © Bessie (d) Fat River Dumpling.

18. Some Blues names for men: (a) Joe ( Willie © Little Willie (d) Big Willie.

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Reno.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit: (a) name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) ( first name (see above) plus name of a fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach, etc.) © last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.). For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Lime Johnson or Cripple Peach Fillmore, etc.

21. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry.

Posted by: rhoads Feb 6 2011, 06:11 PM

The last one is the best !!

Posted by: Gitarrero Feb 6 2011, 06:56 PM

I was prepared to become a blues singer till I read the last line...
"I got a computer, so I may not sing the blues...Yeah, I got a computer, so I may not sing the blues...I'm gonna throw that thing away, and play blues in my worn out shoes."

Posted by: Ben Higgins Feb 6 2011, 07:18 PM

This is great, thanks Lester for sharing... now, I better chuck my computer out and get my butt to Reno and shoot somebody !!

Posted by: Daniel Realpe Feb 6 2011, 08:46 PM

hahah great post!

Posted by: JamesT Feb 7 2011, 01:50 AM

QUOTE (Ben Higgins @ Feb 6 2011, 10:18 AM)

This is great, thanks Lester for sharing... now, I better chuck my computer out and get my butt to Reno and shoot somebody !!

Posted by: Ben Higgins Feb 7 2011, 11:44 AM

QUOTE (JamesT @ Feb 7 2011, 12:50 AM)

Hey, now just cause I live in Reno, don't get any wise ideas!

Posted by: Fran Feb 7 2011, 12:06 PM

Awesome read, love it.

Posted by: Ivan Milenkovic Feb 7 2011, 08:51 PM

The last is cool, hehe

Posted by: Todd Simpson Feb 10 2011, 03:21 AM

Great list And yeah, if you got a computer, especially one with internet access, you can't sing the blues. It means that you have enough capital to buy a machine and enough credit to pass a credit check to get internet access. Or at least you live with a girl who has those things. Or parents. In either case, your well taken care of and you have to reason to sing the blues.

Posted by: Kristian Hyvarinen Mar 9 2011, 02:00 AM

Oh man, this list is a killer! Too bad that the last one got me... or is it?

Posted by: Gary Mar 9 2011, 04:43 AM

That was a great read. Thanks for posting.

Gary

Posted by: Blister Mar 10 2011, 03:27 AM

Hmmmmm...can you have the blues if your computer has the blue or black "screen of death"?

Definitely a great post. Thanks for sharing.

(another) Gary