I Realized tonight That I really need someone to talk to about a lot of issues in my life. Tonight my life has taken a really big downer and gone far beyond the point where I would personally say "Dude, you seriously need help". I will go to my doctor for this, but I guess I need someone to talk to first.

But before you say "I'm your man/woman" I want you to realize a few things.

- I will in all probability moan for more than three hours about how much my life sucks.

- This is all very heavy stuff, I will be completely open book and I think a lot of people can't handle this.

- In most cases I will be either highly emotional or completely emotionless and I can't say in advance what it will be.

- A lot of the things I will say might end up in complete randomness, I will go from one subject, to another and to another yet again and keep skipping between these.


I want you to be completely honest to yourselves first. I do not expect anyone to reply and in any case I will still love everyone on GMC.

I have one request though. I don't want any "I feel bad for you" posts. Pity doesn't help anyone. And when you have too much selfpity already you might start believing things that aren't true.

I can probably have a talk with you, I like to talk with people about life and all that stuff Do you need help right now? Because I am going to bed soon

I can probably help u, I live with three women

This post has been edited by sigma7: Aug 24 2008, 01:33 AM

Nice one Sigma



And to you Jeroen, don't worry too much mate, we have all been down the line at some point in our lives, one way or another. In those situations, figuring out how bad situation is is not gonna feel you any better. You just have to think about all the good things, and how to work out all the bad things the best way you can. Fear of failure to resolve your problems, fear to face them, and also fear that it will require a lot of time is something most people are afraid to and dwelve even depper into troubles. So be brave man, and be positive.

If you need help, please PM.

I have calmed down now, and maybe it might be better just to post the general outlines. This will be quite a long read and If you don't care don't keep on reading and don't post.

For me to put some structure to everything first I have to start at the very beginning. I am 19 years old now and this is the story of my life in a nutshell.

I was born, I was raised. Nothing special about that. I lived in maybe one of the best neighbourhoods of Goirle (the town where I live) there were a lot of kids there around my age and I used to play a lot with them. I was quite popular because I have been born with the tendency to get along with pretty much anyone. My dad was succesful at work and so was my mom.

When I was 4 years old my dad decided from one day to another to divorce. Forcing my mother to work all day and leaving me with another family to take care of me after school, she used to get me from there after work and take me home. I didn't mind the family where I was at because they were really kind and I could get along very well with their kids. What they lacked in intellect they made up with being great people.

But they neighbourhood I was forced to live in wasn't great. Car's driving recklessly fast. Neighbours who would have constant fights. Kids that did a lot of wrong things. School was getting hard aswell. Due to the circumstances I got alienated a lot. At that time my dad didn't get involved with anything pretty much, and really only cared about himself. I was bad at school, I didn't care about it. It isn't that I'm stupid, Infact, according to several IQ tests I am 1 point behind being a genius. I am a slow learner however, and slowly, year by year I really improved, not in terms of regular yearly improvement, but beyond that. Maybe I started to realize that I had potential in many fields and was interested a lot. but Still, at the same time school didn't interest me much.

During that period I fell into a sort of depression. I went to an psychologist who concluded that I had ADD, lack of selfconfidence and a few other minor issues. Therapy was relatively quickly done. And it was brushed away like there was no real problem. Maybe that was true, maybe not, maybe it was a warning for things to come.

My dad got remarried I believe when I was 8 or 9 years old. I was happy for him, maybe because I still was a child. Twins were expected and that summer I had two younger half-sisters. As it turned out my new stepmother was a complete bitch and let me take care of the twins while she was away. And all those kind of things.

Middelbare school came (Read something among the lines of high school) And I was nobody again. Now that I look back I hung out with the wrong 'friends'. They constantly insulted me and got me involved into things that I shouldn't have been involved in. I didn't care once again about school and the teachers didn't understand me. I lied a lot and spent most of the time at school at arranging for an easy life.

My dad got divorced. Maybe because he finally noticed what a psychopatic bitch my stepmom was. For me the final straw was half a year before that when my twin half-sisters destroyed my room and it was brushed off like there was no problem at all. I blamed my stepmom because she was supposed to look after those two and if she would have been in any form responsible for my sisters she wouldn't have let them get so far out of sight. (Supposedly she was in the living room while my room was in the attic, two stairs up with several doors inbetween.) That same night she screamed that she needed more money. I left and didn't have contact with any of them for half a year.

All that led to me doing year two again. But that summer something happened. I got into Warhammer and later DND (yes I do believe I am the greatest geek on GMC ) and got my first real friends. They didn't care where I came from or what I had done in the past. They cared for who I was. They helped me with problems and I helped them with theirs. And I got on track to becoming the person I was before my parents divorced.

year two, second try, came. I did my best at school and I got into a class that was a lot better. Everyone was kind and helpful and for the first time in a very long time I felt not only at place, but also happy. My dutch and physics/maths teachers understood me a lot better and I had great discussions with them about music, books and movies.

The World of Warcraft came. Yes I was addicted, even though I did my best at school at the same time. My WoW period was far from negative. Once I got into the right guild I became very popular. I was one of the elite players, not in terms of the game, but more in terms of always being there. Leading, managing, organizing, helping, comforting and even playing. I was one of the best mages of the guild and I was highly popular simply because I was who I was. The ever helping Jeroen. The guy that was honest, would speak his mind when necesary but in moderation, who knew what to do, was always there for everyone and led the guild when necesary. I was that person a lot of people wanted to be and I helped them to be that. Or was it all a disguise to hide something?

I quit WoW due to exams and never came back. It wasn't necesary for me and I had everyone's blessing. During exam year I had a lot of great teachers. Especially my Economy, English, history and Geography teachers. They understood me and I had a lot of fun with them unlike the rest of the class. And although I still was a loner I was both respected and in a way popular. I could talk with everyone about pretty much everything and I noticed people really started to listen to what I said. Not that they agreed with everything I said, but they listened. Which meant a great deal to me. At the same time the contact with my father got a lot better. And for the first time in our lives we could really talk with each other.

That summer He got married again. My new stepmom and I could get along very well. I could get along with her family. I could get along with my dad. And finally My sisters reached an age where we could talk and even play together once in a while. I could go watch a movie with the everyone (although dubbed in dutch) and actually enjoy it.) My stepmom also had/has a dog that was/is a complete nutjob in the most positive way imaginable. great dog, great time.

Did I have everything? Yes, And I got even more. After I passed exams I started with Social Studies. I had a great study group and a few weeks after I started I fell in love. The love was returned and In months we became really close and I could trust her for more than 80% (more about that later). I had everything I could ever hope for at that age. Friends, Love, Education. You name it. Alright, the education wasn't ideal. But one year there would mean that I could go to university and pretty much study anything I wanted.

Than my mom suddenly got sick and on december 10 2007 she died. 5 days after the Sinterklaas party (don't get me going about dutch culture) where me and my girlfriend were present. My world collapsed. Although I was 18 years old I still depended on her a lot and still was probably the most important person in my life. I quit my education and decided I needed some time alone. It is funny when you look at it when your family suddenly takes interest in you while they in no way ever cared for you for 18 and a half year.

Then the depressions came. before the depressions I only cared about one person, that was my girlfriend. She was, I guess, the only true reason that left me alive after my mother died. During these depressions I abused alcohol, a lot. And I wasn't capable of having any human contact, for everyone's sake. But the depressions only lasted for a week or so.

Last night my girlfriend broke up with me. She told me because she couldn't handle my depressions. And I believe her. Do I have a broken heart? No, because I know that if I work at it, get to work again and learn to deal with them I can get back to her.

What scared me though is that I seriously considered suicide last night. And that is my breaking point. I went to sleep last night crying. Not because of what happened. But out of self pity. Currently I am in a depression again. While I broke out of a three week depression a few days back.


I have calmed down now. But the pressure of the depressions combined with the fact that I have my driving exam this wednesday and have heard nothing from my next education which supposedly starts in september. Combine that with the fact that my mothers death both in terms of paperwork and mourning still isn't resolved. It is all getting too much. And I have the feeling that I am going to break within a few days. And that I will do something I will truly regret.

The crazy thing is. I don't care at all. I wouldn't care if I died. I wouldn't care if the world would be destroyed. I wish I could cry and be done with it. But I can't cry anymore. I never could.


I have always had trouble with trusting people. Maybe because my view on humanity has shattered due to all the events in my life. Maybe because it is my nature. Maybe because I know what humanity is capable of. Or maybe because I've actually been insane my whole life. Who knows?

I trust my best friends for 65% tops. And I trust my ex for 80%. I wish I could trust people more. And to be honest, I am absolutely terrified about the fact that I'm going to have to tell all of this to my doctor. Maybe the relative annonimity of the internet gives me the edge of being able to post this. Otherwise it would be all the alcohol I've consumed tonight.


Please understand this. All of this is I think just the tip of the iceberg and I could say a lot more and go far more in depth about things.

I am going to sleep now. And probably wish I didn't wake up due to hangover I will have tomorrow.
J


And thank you. all of you.

Well, I can't pretend to know what you are going through, but I beg of you, please don't consider suicide, I know that you said that fact that you did scares you. I think that may be a good thing that it scares you, it's never an answer.

I don't know if you are religious or not but maybe you can find comfort in the fact that God loves you.

Music may be a good source for you to vent, try and find something besides alcohol, it will only make it worse.

I'll pray for you man, that is all I know I can do, but I know if you keep trying things will turn around for you, you may not see it now but at the bottom of a slope there is only one way to go but up.

Good luck and if there is anything I can do for you, let me know through PM or any other way if you have MSN I can talk to you there.

God Bless, man.

Do you have a cat? Cats are good role models. Their needs are few, food and water, a lot of sleep, go outside and cat around a bit, a clean poop box. And a nice place to sleep. Sleep is a big thing to a cat. If they don't like something, they might tolerate you for awhile. But if they really don't want it, they say stop it. And they insist, it is not negotiable. If you scream at them they might get their feelings hurt, but you can then just bribe them with cat treats and they forget it. Other than that, they just go to sleep an don't give a [plop].

Be like a cat.


Edit for language - Smells

This post has been edited by Smells: Aug 25 2008, 08:29 AM

Jeroen,

I can't say for certain i know exactly how you feel, but i understand depression brother. It is something i have struggled with my whole life. Although having a deep rooted spiritual side, suicide would not be something i would ever consider.

The fact that your intellect is greater than those around you deepens the depression, you always feel like something is wrong with the world, while others are completely oblivious. You get jealous of those who seem to find happiness no matter what happens. I myself have always felt that being smart is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because of my skills and interests, but a curse because of the fact that i feel things so much deeper than my family and friends. I was always the guy who was very easily hurt because i wore my heart on my sleeve.

I just want you to understand though that thru all of your hardships you will gain alot of wisdom. When i was younger i was so angry all the time, but as time went by i started realizing it wasnt just me. I took comfort in the fact that "The rain falls on the just and unjust". Just because i feel things more deeply doesnt mean that the rest of the world feels nothing.

Earlier in my life because i was naive, i thought that something was wrong with me, that somehow i was cursed. I always thought others much more happy than myself. When something went wrong in my life, i always thought to myself "What am i doing wrong, why does the powers that be hate me."

It wasnt until i was older i started realizing that every person on this planet has burdens to bear, just because my perception of those burdens seemed insignificant compared to mine i had no idea of the toll it took on those other people. It was then i realized that even though i was being besieged by numerous problems i would come out of them just fine.

For me spirituality is a deep part of my life, and it helps me see things objectively. Once i dedicated myself to God alot of truth has been revealed to me. It is said that God never puts anything before you that you cannot overcome. So when i saw others struggling with simple problems and i had some really deep rooted and complicated ones i stopped seeing it as a curse, and it was a challenge to be overcome. I know it seems strange if you don't have this to fall back on, but i actually was seeing my problems in my life as a blessing. It was forcing me to grow as a person, no matter if i wanted it or not.

You have to understand brother that this world can be a cruel place, but don't let it steal your joy. Wake up everyday and count the blessings in your life, dedicate yourself to something you feel strongly about and don't waiver. Giving in to the depression, only deepens it. Depression is an insidious condition it feeds itself. The more you let depression rule you the deeper the depression becomes.

The situation with your girlfriend, i can fully understand and appreciate your feelings on this matter. Understand though that eventually it will lead you to the person you are truly meant to be with. Again when i was younger i let break-ups like that drag me down, i again felt like something was wrong with me. The real thing was though that it wasnt me. She is blaming you for her own short comings to deal with things. Although it hurts, you have to be objective about it and realize it is not your weakness she is running from but her own. That if you stand true to your heart and stand firm in your beliefs that you are the strong one. Just because she couldnt deal with your struggles doesn't mean you are weak.

By the same token though, never make excuses for your own short comings, figure it out and deal with it. Don't let it steal any joy you have. The only thing you have to do is just rage against your own struggles with persistence. Every dilema you overcome, every time you beat back your depression, everytime you help someone else when your own problems seem insurmountable you will begin to understand how much stronger you are as a person. Every little setback is an opportunity to strengthen your character and spirit.

You have to be like a champion prize fighter my friend, don't take a dive. If you lay down you lose, go another round..and another. It may seem impossible but you have more strength than you realize.

Daniel

Actually, Fkalich might be onto something... It always cheers me up to see my cat. Plus, if you had a cat you would be caring for "somebody", and that would make you feel needed.

This post has been edited by Smells: Aug 25 2008, 08:30 AM

that is a real good point. i know some people who live alone, and they don't want a pet because of the trouble. but the trouble is what you want, you have a responsibility other than yourself, and that really makes life easier, gets your mind off your own issues.

ya i have two cats and every time i get depressed or flip out with OCD, my cats cheer me up and put my mind elsewhere

I used to have that, after high school. it was pretty serious. actually I tried to learn guitar then, but spent my time taking my guitar apart, putting it back together, changing strings. I bought a new car and about destroyed it doing that. not sure how I got over it. mostly I think I had parents who did not get along at all, and that caused it, growing up in that environment. over time it just went away, never took any medication or anything. oh, I also had some panic attacks back then. got over that too. now I just figure if I drop dead, somebody else has to cart away my bones, I won't have to worry about it. i always have enough dog and cat food in bags so if nobody finds me for awhile, they don't have to chow down on my bones. so no worries.

haha one time i spent 2 hours flicking the light swith on and off until i either did it perfectly or someone had to drag me away. i have it in high school

This post has been edited by sigma7: Aug 25 2008, 05:33 AM

Since you're aware of all the bad parts and wrong doings you had to put up with growing up I'm positive you will not repeate the same errors someday when you're a dad and have a family to care for. I'm suggesting that in the future there's a wife and kids that can rest asure you'll be true to them.
That's something you should pass on! I.e don't repeat someone elses or your own mistakes when caring for your own family.

For the respect and honor of your late mother. Very sad to hear she passed away. But surely she had hopes for you having a good life? I think you should grab onto that thought and honor it by being the best man possible, the best kid she could wish for.
You know she struggled when you were growing up. Just make all her work worth it.

I can't say I'm very spirititual. If I were to describe myself I'd say Humanist. But this is not a religious discussion (and won't start one.) so turning to religion isn't really an option for me. I do, however, realy appreciate the sincerity of your post Daniel and I'll need to think about it some more. (just woke up so the wheels in my head still have to hit full activity )

My alcohol use is outside of the depresive periods a lot better. I usually drink an glass of beer or wine with dinner and maybe after after a long and busy day a cool beer can be truly appreciated. This does exclude parties however (as long as I don't have to participate in trafic). However, during the depressions the alcohol seems to take a bit off the edge of things. I am however afraid if things keep continueing as they are I will turn into a full blown alcholholic. So I decided to limit my alcohol use to no alcohol during depressions.

I have considered getting a cat. Just didn't get around to it. Probably if my new education get's (hopefully) started and I get settled in. I'll get a cat. I have to read up on cat's first though and A driving liscence will help as well. I like animals. They seem to understand me better than most humans and I can actually understand them.

On a more arrogant note. They do say the most troubled musicians are in many times the greatest. Maybe this is my chance


Thank you all, I am starting to see a way out of this. I still have a lot to think about and I have some thank you's to send to people.

Dutch:

Eey Jeroen,

Ik heb je verhaal gelezen, en was er best van onder de indruk. Ik ben zelf bijna 15, en heb van alles wat jij beschrijft gelukkig weinig last. Vorig jaar heb ik ook wel problemen gehad, maar dat doet niet ter zaken. Ik weet niet of je al naar een psychologe gaat, maar ik kan het je wel aanraden. Veel mensen denken dat een psychologe is voor mensen die gek zijn, maar dat is echt niet zo. Iemand als jij, die het wel eens moeilijk heeft, kan echt veel aan een psycholoog hebben. Print de text uit die je hebt getypt en ga eens langs! Vind je het niks, dan stop je toch? De tip van een huisdier is opzich ook wel leuk, maar dan moet je wel iemand zijn die blij wordt van dieren. Het is wel gezellig, maar het kost ook tijd, dus dat is een overweging.

Veel succes, en moet je nog iets kwijt, dan stort je het maar in de PM!

Kaz

Jerone

First I want to tell you that you are not the only one who suffers from bouts of depression. I myself for years expercienced it and thought that there was no way out. My thoughts ran crazy, even entertained taking my life. But for some reason the more I thought about my situation and circumstances the more I realized that there are many others whose life is far worse.
I began to write down things that I could control and things that I could not control, I reviewed my lifes choices and choices made by others in my life and had to conclude that whatever they were they could either slow me down or make me a better person. You have to learn, live and let go of the things that hold you back.
I began playing guitar again. I put my focus not on my problems but how I could take those problems and be better for them. I owned up to my own short falls and let go of the short falls of others. I made sure that I set aside time to do something that I enjoyed not matter how big or small. You have to find time for yourself.
i need to run but I no longer carry the burden of being a burden. The depression had passed and when it comes I am prepared to deal with it. So hang in there, tommorow is another day and remember their are others who have it worse, and that others are relaying on you.
Later
Mjsteps

Wow, I can't say I know how you feel, because that's really a lot of baggage for a 19-year old, but I think that in the end, you can turn it around and make it better, use all the bad experiences you have for something good, it just takes some fighting spirit, and you not giving in to anything. I think it's wise to cut down on the alcohol during depressions, because that can really get the best of you.

I don't really know what to say, but as you say, after the rain comes sunshine, stick in there. You have my symphaties.

You had some tough periods in life that's for sure man. Still you must be able to let go your past, and move on with your life. When you feel you have depression, it is best to try to do some kind of a hobby that will divert your thoughts from it. For example when I had some tough periods in my life I practiced the guitar like crazy and this was the positive thing I did in those moment. Bare in mind that a key word in your life should be POSITIVE. No matter what you do, no matter where you go, and no matter what happens, try to have some work done and do something creative. It will boost your self esteem, and you will get a feeling of accomplishment.
These kind of things in life will bring out the best in you. If you have a period of depression, you don't get much done, and when you're drunk you can't really think and do things properly. This is just a waste of your precious life time. Life is short and we all need to live it as much as we can. Go hang out with other people, but STAY AWAY from people that abuse alcohol even if they are your best friends. This is not the kind of people you need in your life when you're dealing with alcohol addiction, so it is best to keep away from places where you will drink. Of course, glass of beer, or two won't harm you, it is perfectly normal. But getting your self drunk from time to time is not a good thing.
So to sum up, be positive positive positive. Even if you feel that you're overwhelmed with negative thoughts, like in periods of depression, force yourself to feel positive, get something done, clean up your room spotless, practice 4 hours straight, learn something new.
Now don't get me wrong, these things will not help you to feel better straight away. Only when doing these things over a longer period of time will produce some results. So don't wait for a miracle to happen. There is no tip of the iceberg, you are aware of your problems, you just need to start slowly to get a grip over your life. I know it's hard, but try it, and in a year or two, with the power of will and self discipline you will get back on track and put bad things behind you. Problems require time, that's all, and you must be consantly keeping positive things flowing, and lay off any negative influences, like alcohol, alcohol buddies, thoughts about your negative past, just think about the present, and take one step at a time, don't make big plans for the future, life is very strange and hard (as you already know), and it is best to live it in the present the best way you can. Good luck mate, and keep positive attitude.