 Hanna's Departure |
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 Feb 17 2008, 10:34 PM
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#1
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 Fire Up The Blades, Moderator  Group: GMC Senior Posts: 8.932 Joined: 6-March 07 From: St. Petersburg, Florida Member No.: 1.304  |
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Hanna's Departure _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ A frail yet gentle body, A beautiful child A beautiful mind All of it so lovely, All of it to meet... Certain Demise Never an ounce of hope, In my blackened heart But the sight of her, after a long day Would lift it all away A soft glow, Beneath my chest grows When her voice, Dances to my ears Ill tell you stories, Ill tell you tales Ill let you hear everything Save the horror Of the battlefields An endless ocean, A massive sky I love the amazed expression In your eyes (The only reason, For me to be alive) SOLO 1 A faraway land, Now close to home From the words of my voice To your mind and to your soul You took it all in Even knowing the outcome Your certain, Inevitable end Now that lay you hear, Motionless on your bed Without a single movement or sign of life I cant hold back my fears (Why should she have to die?) I wont give up Though without movement, Without your starry eyes Ill never let your memory go Lay here Hanna, Just a little longer Let me speak, My final story My final tale for you I know that you hear me I can see it, The slightest gesture A small gleam in your eye (Followed by a tear) Your off on your own, On your own journey Through the clouds Through Heaven, space and time One day your parents, Will come to see you too Race through the heavens eternally Yes, ill be there too... (Yes....Ill be there too?) My final words, And my final lie Hanna’s gone, And I breakdown... ...And cry... Life is oh so precious, And life is oh so short Cherish every moment With all of your heart Never let the memories go, And they shall never fade Remember the ones you loved To the end of your days © Brett Windnagle, 2008 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ This post has been edited by The Uncreator: Feb 21 2008, 10:49 PM |
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Feb 17 2008, 10:36 PM
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#2
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 GMC:er  Group: Members Posts: 1.118 Joined: 23-December 06 From: Canada! Member No.: 1.005 |
When I read these, I think of a small girl dying in a hospital bed with her family around her. Am I close?
--------------------  But still I want answers, what's the point, what does all this mean? |
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Feb 17 2008, 10:59 PM
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#3
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Fire Up The Blades, Moderator Group: GMC Senior Posts: 8.932 Joined: 6-March 07 From: St. Petersburg, Florida Member No.: 1.304 |
Incredibly close, the only thing you got wrong was the location, this takes place at the little girls parents Inn that they own.
Im glad you guessed it, makes me feel like i got the message perfectly right If anyone cares to know, this came to me after playing the first hour of the new game "Lost Odyssey", perhaps the most beautiful game ever made. |
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Feb 17 2008, 11:02 PM
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#4
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GMC:er Group: Members Posts: 1.118 Joined: 23-December 06 From: Canada! Member No.: 1.005 |
Yeaaaah I am a good guesser!
I swear Ive never played the game
-------------------- But still I want answers, what's the point, what does all this mean? |
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Feb 18 2008, 08:53 AM
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#5
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 Singing Instructor  Group: GMC Instructor Posts: 3.391 Joined: 23-January 08 Member No.: 3.960 |
The Uncreator great as always:)
-------------------- |
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Feb 18 2008, 10:49 AM
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#6
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 GMC:er Group: Members Posts: 795 Joined: 28-August 07 From: Lappeenranta, Finland Member No.: 2.620 |
Damn! You've done it again Uncreator!
I myself just try and try but can't seem to get anything good down... But YOU damn! you got the stuff man, You hold the eggs in your basket, YOU got the royal flush, man, You get the job done, You are in the House... Well I guess you get my point you high rolling, blackjack hitting, atom combusting, son of a gun uncreator... Well anyway I bet your burps are poetic and your farts oh, so epic! -------------------- Anyone can learn to play fast, like anyone can learn to type quickly. But not everyone can write a book.
- Yngwie J. Malmsteen Idols: Jason Becker (ex-Cacophony, ex-David Lee Roth, Solo) Marty Friedman (ex-Cacophony, ex-Megadeth, Solo) Niccolo Paganini (Solo) Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen....Duh!) Frederic Chopin (Solo) |
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Feb 18 2008, 10:59 AM
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#7
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 GMC:er Group: Members Posts: 5.631 Joined: 29-November 07 From: Nottingham, UK Member No.: 3.401 |
The lyrics are good but I can't see them working in a song and being catchy. Good poetry I think but not really song like. Of course I can be proved wrong though.
 I'm currently doing some new lyrics for a new funk song. I will post them up when they're done.
-------------------- Gear Guitars:- Caparison Horus Snowcloud, Parker Nitefly M, Parker Nitefly SA, Gibson SG, Parker P10e, 40 Year Old Spanish Acoustic Amps:- Framus Ruby Riot 2x12" stack |
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Feb 18 2008, 11:02 AM
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#8
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 Instructor Group: GMC Instructor Posts: 3.038 Joined: 2-December 07 From: Rauma, Finland Member No.: 3.434 |
Very beautiful lyrics Uncreator, I love them!
Do you already have the music ready or any ideas where these brilliant lyrics would go? -------------------- Gear:
-PRS Custom 22 -Edwards Les Paul -PodXT -Ibanez Acoustic Check out my lessons and my instructor profile! My Youtube channel My Last.FM |
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Feb 18 2008, 11:14 AM
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#9
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GMC:er Group: Members Posts: 795 Joined: 28-August 07 From: Lappeenranta, Finland Member No.: 2.620 |
QUOTE (OrganisedConfusion @ Feb 18 2008, 11:59 AM)  The lyrics are good but I can't see them working in a song and being catchy. Good poetry I think but not really song like. Of course I can be proved wrong though. I'm currently doing some new lyrics for a new funk song. I will post them up when they're done.It also could be that your just not too familiar with the type of music these lyrics are good to go 
-------------------- Anyone can learn to play fast, like anyone can learn to type quickly. But not everyone can write a book.
- Yngwie J. Malmsteen Idols: Jason Becker (ex-Cacophony, ex-David Lee Roth, Solo) Marty Friedman (ex-Cacophony, ex-Megadeth, Solo) Niccolo Paganini (Solo) Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen....Duh!) Frederic Chopin (Solo) |
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Feb 18 2008, 11:34 AM
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#10
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GMC:er Group: Members Posts: 5.631 Joined: 29-November 07 From: Nottingham, UK Member No.: 3.401 |
QUOTE (Tuubsu @ Feb 18 2008, 10:14 AM) It also could be that your just not too familiar with the type of music these lyrics are good to go I will be familiar. It will no doubt be in a prog style and I have about 400 prog albums. I just think those lyrics are better as a short story or poetry. There isn't a defining structure that would point towards a song. I'd like if The Uncreator created a song with these lyrics he posts as then we can all see how he would map these lyrics into the musical world. I like his lyrics a lot. Just want to see how they translate. -------------------- Gear Guitars:- Caparison Horus Snowcloud, Parker Nitefly M, Parker Nitefly SA, Gibson SG, Parker P10e, 40 Year Old Spanish Acoustic Amps:- Framus Ruby Riot 2x12" stack |
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Feb 18 2008, 12:31 PM
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#11
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GMC:er Group: Members Posts: 795 Joined: 28-August 07 From: Lappeenranta, Finland Member No.: 2.620 |
You can indeed be right mr. confusion but, only The Uncreator knows
-------------------- Anyone can learn to play fast, like anyone can learn to type quickly. But not everyone can write a book.
- Yngwie J. Malmsteen Idols: Jason Becker (ex-Cacophony, ex-David Lee Roth, Solo) Marty Friedman (ex-Cacophony, ex-Megadeth, Solo) Niccolo Paganini (Solo) Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen....Duh!) Frederic Chopin (Solo) |
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Feb 18 2008, 03:43 PM
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#12
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Fire Up The Blades, Moderator Group: GMC Senior Posts: 8.932 Joined: 6-March 07 From: St. Petersburg, Florida Member No.: 1.304 |
QUOTE (OrganisedConfusion @ Feb 18 2008, 02:34 AM) I will be familiar. It will no doubt be in a prog style and I have about 400 prog albums. I just think those lyrics are better as a short story or poetry. There isn't a defining structure that would point towards a song. I'd like if The Uncreator created a song with these lyrics he posts as then we can all see how he would map these lyrics into the musical world. I like his lyrics a lot. Just want to see how they translate. Probably not even close to prog, more like just acoustics throughout most of the song, the middle section that gets heaviers, then the remaining verse sung over some basic chord progressions, its nothing remotely complex. I hear it all in my head, if i could sing without growling, and i had a mic, i would record vocals, but sadly.... 
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Feb 18 2008, 03:45 PM
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#13
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GMC:er Group: Members Posts: 5.631 Joined: 29-November 07 From: Nottingham, UK Member No.: 3.401 |
QUOTE (The Uncreator @ Feb 18 2008, 02:43 PM) Probably not even close to prog, more like just acoustics throughout most of the song, the middle section that gets heaviers, then the remaining verse sung over some basic chord progressions, its nothing remotely complex. I hear it all in my head, if i could sing without growling, and i had a mic, i would record vocals, but sadly.... I wish you'd record some of these I bet they'd be good songs. You should turn this into a song. So you mean acoustic in what way though. Something like Tiamat - Do You Dream Of Me or not so dark?
-------------------- Gear Guitars:- Caparison Horus Snowcloud, Parker Nitefly M, Parker Nitefly SA, Gibson SG, Parker P10e, 40 Year Old Spanish Acoustic Amps:- Framus Ruby Riot 2x12" stack |
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Feb 18 2008, 04:58 PM
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#14
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Fire Up The Blades, Moderator Group: GMC Senior Posts: 8.932 Joined: 6-March 07 From: St. Petersburg, Florida Member No.: 1.304 |
It will seem dark im sure, i know that, im gonna probably use a low Open tuning, like Open C or something, And rearannge the lyrics a tiny bit to fit whatever rhythm is.
Yeah i wish i could record some of these, but im without a car right now, so the mic will have to wait, I got a small idea for the middle of this song in the uploads board, no vocals are supposed to be over it though, just something to build tension. |
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Feb 21 2008, 02:51 PM
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#15
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 GMC:er Group: Members Posts: 667 Joined: 6-July 07 From: Atlanta, GA, USA Member No.: 2.254 |
Those are good lyrics but when you mentioned it, immediately an acoustic dirge/ballad format came to mind, which would typically require longer lines to work, traditionally. Think "Skalds and Shadows" by Blind Guardian, it's written in couplets and the last phrase from the first line is the first phrase in the second line. I think that format would lend itself very well to a theme such as this.
The way it's written now though could make a killer sludge metal song, although it'd be quite long haha. -------------------- "King V" enthusiast
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Feb 21 2008, 06:31 PM
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#16
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Fire Up The Blades, Moderator Group: GMC Senior Posts: 8.932 Joined: 6-March 07 From: St. Petersburg, Florida Member No.: 1.304 |
I dont think Sludge Metal quite fits the theme here
 I know what you mean about Skalds and Shadows (great tune), but the way i hear it my head, i really like it, hopefully if i ever get a decent voice, or a singer with one, ill be bale to record it. EDIT Well the i have it typed it isnt quite how it would be sung, Two lines would probably be sung as one "Sentence", if that makes any sense. Ill rearrange it.... EDIT2 Well thats as close as i can get the lyrics to how they will be sung, not quite how it will be, but closer than before. This post has been edited by The Uncreator: Feb 21 2008, 06:46 PM |
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Feb 21 2008, 06:48 PM
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#17
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 GMC:er Group: Members Posts: 1.461 Joined: 16-June 07 From: Scotland Member No.: 2.113 |
QUOTE (The Uncreator @ Feb 17 2008, 01:34 PM) [i]A frail, yet gentle body A beautiful child A beautiful mind All of it so lovely All of it to meet... Ill tell you stories Ill tell you tales Ill let you hear everything Save the horror, On the battlefields I like your natural use of writing triplets here. As far as the actual full set of lyrics go, your phrasing and writing is good but like so many of your pieces it just, for me, seemed to go from A to B, I dont think theres much to draw the attention back to a song like this or to make someone think once they've read this of a message you were perhaps getting at, my own opinion obviously, but if you look at some of the best poets, authors and lyricists they always leave you thinking after you've read something - be it about any particular issue at all. I just feel thats the one thing your writing lacks, and its a bit of a fatal flaw as far as lyrics are concerned I think
-------------------- Don't Panic.
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Feb 21 2008, 07:02 PM
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#18
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Fire Up The Blades, Moderator Group: GMC Senior Posts: 8.932 Joined: 6-March 07 From: St. Petersburg, Florida Member No.: 1.304 |
Well to me, that kinda stuff is really only necessary when your trying to tell a message, this is simply a story, for one (hopefully) to enjoy. Nevertheless, My writing can always use improvement, so ill heed your advice
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Feb 21 2008, 07:46 PM
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#19
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GMC:er Group: Members Posts: 667 Joined: 6-July 07 From: Atlanta, GA, USA Member No.: 2.254 |
It works better how you've rearranged it and makes sense now for the dirge/ballad format.
-------------------- "King V" enthusiast
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Feb 21 2008, 10:44 PM
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#20
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Fire Up The Blades, Moderator Group: GMC Senior Posts: 8.932 Joined: 6-March 07 From: St. Petersburg, Florida Member No.: 1.304 |
Yeah this is how it should be (or close to it)
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