Printable Version of Topic
Click here to view this topic in its original format
GMC Forum _ Lyrics _ Balance Beam
Posted by: Eat-Sleep-andJam Jul 7 2009, 04:51 AM
Just two sides.
Separate the darkness from the light.
The me from the you.
I couldn't help but wonder,
If your heart was made of thunder.
Or just a beautiful pile.
Of lies and smiles.
With a little bit of me in mind.
You'll change it all.
You'll change it all.
Kiss me here,
Under stormy skies.
Your not scared.,
So be who you are.
Between the me and the you.
Not one,but two.
You would change it all if you could.
I wouldn't change you if I could.
You cut my soul,
With a spoon and a bowl.
Of lies and smiles.
A heart full of thunder,
And a mind still unaware.
Stormy skies lie ahead.
And you'll change it all.
Last kiss has emerged,
Under a sea of vowels and words.
Be who you are tonight.
Between the darkness and the light.
Love isn't earned, It's made.
Under stormy skies.
You'll change it all....
© John Minoia 2009
Posted by: The Uncreator Jul 7 2009, 05:27 AM
QUOTE (Eat-Sleep-andJam @ Jul 6 2009, 07:51 PM) 
Just two sides.
Separate the darkness from the light.
The me from the you.
A good start, But on the second line, I would use "...and the light". It seems flow more naturally that way.
I couldn't help but wonder,
If your heart was made of thunder.
Or just a beautiful pile.
Of lies and smiles.
With a little bit of me in mind.
You'll change it all.
You'll change it all.
Another good stanza and verse, Although I feel the comparison between thunder and lies and smiles is a bit awkward. It seems to be setting itself for another reference to weather or something of less strength and power as thunder, like rain, oceans, or water.
Kiss me here,
Under stormy skies.
Your not scared.,
So be who you are.
Between the me and the you.
Not one,but two.
You would change it all if you could.
Again, A nice solid verse. But I would change the 6th line to "Not the one, but the two". It fits perfectly with the 5th line and creates a strong current of words.
I wouldn't change you if I could.
You cut my soul,
With a spoon and a bowl.
Of lies and smiles.
A heart full of thunder,
And a mind still unaware.
Stormy skies lie ahead.
And you'll change it all.
The first 2 lines in this verse don't seem to belong together, And it lessens the strength of the overall stanza. The last few lines strengthen it back up, But a with comparison to anything that "cuts", The reader expects a suitable comparison as such, knife, blade, sharpness etc.
Last kiss has emerged,
Under a sea of vowels and words.
Be who you are tonight.
Between the darkness and the light.
Love isn't earned, It's made.
Under stormy skies.
You'll change it all....
The ending is good, I like the use of "vowels and words", Something I dont think I have seen before
© John Minoia 2009
Separate the darkness from the light.
The me from the you.
A good start, But on the second line, I would use "...and the light". It seems flow more naturally that way.
I couldn't help but wonder,
If your heart was made of thunder.
Or just a beautiful pile.
Of lies and smiles.
With a little bit of me in mind.
You'll change it all.
You'll change it all.
Another good stanza and verse, Although I feel the comparison between thunder and lies and smiles is a bit awkward. It seems to be setting itself for another reference to weather or something of less strength and power as thunder, like rain, oceans, or water.
Kiss me here,
Under stormy skies.
Your not scared.,
So be who you are.
Between the me and the you.
Not one,but two.
You would change it all if you could.
Again, A nice solid verse. But I would change the 6th line to "Not the one, but the two". It fits perfectly with the 5th line and creates a strong current of words.
I wouldn't change you if I could.
You cut my soul,
With a spoon and a bowl.
Of lies and smiles.
A heart full of thunder,
And a mind still unaware.
Stormy skies lie ahead.
And you'll change it all.
The first 2 lines in this verse don't seem to belong together, And it lessens the strength of the overall stanza. The last few lines strengthen it back up, But a with comparison to anything that "cuts", The reader expects a suitable comparison as such, knife, blade, sharpness etc.
Last kiss has emerged,
Under a sea of vowels and words.
Be who you are tonight.
Between the darkness and the light.
Love isn't earned, It's made.
Under stormy skies.
You'll change it all....
The ending is good, I like the use of "vowels and words", Something I dont think I have seen before
© John Minoia 2009
C4C?
http://www.guitarmasterclass.net/guitar_forum/index.php?showtopic=28636
Posted by: Eat-Sleep-andJam Jul 10 2009, 01:26 AM
QUOTE (The Uncreator @ Jul 6 2009, 09:27 PM)
C4C?
http://www.guitarmasterclass.net/guitar_forum/index.php?showtopic=28636
http://www.guitarmasterclass.net/guitar_forum/index.php?showtopic=28636
Thanks for the crit man. Just kinda threw this together quickly.
Posted by: Rated Htr Aug 13 2009, 09:04 AM
QUOTE (Eat-Sleep-andJam @ Jul 7 2009, 04:51 AM)
Just two sides.
Separate the darkness from the light.
The me from the you.
I couldn't help but wonder,
If your heart was made of thunder.
Or just a beautiful pile.
Of lies and smiles.
With a little bit of me in mind.
You'll change it all.
You'll change it all.
Ok, didn't like the start
That rhyme seemed a bit force, although it fits to project a feeling of anger towards the reader. Like the sarcastic way you approach it tho, and the repetition works well.
Kiss me here,
Under stormy skies.
Your not scared.,
So be who you are.
Between the me and the you.
Not one,but two.
You would change it all if you could.
Continuous sarcastic remarks, love them! Typo there on the 3rd verse, "You're not...", getting the idea you're giving her control.
I wouldn't change you if I could.
Underline my last words
You cut my soul,
With a spoon and a bowl.
Of lies and smiles.
A heart full of thunder,
And a mind still unaware.
Stormy skies lie ahead.
And you'll change it all.
Ok, I do like the verse, but it gets a bit bored since you repeat the same metaphors as before, I would advise some new refreshing ideas with the same sarcastic feeling to spice it up.
Last kiss has emerged,
Under a sea of vowels and words.
Be who you are tonight.
Between the darkness and the light.
Love isn't earned, It's made.
LOVE IT! LOVE ISN'T EARNED, IT'S MADE, LOVE THAT ONE!
Under stormy skies.
...We get electrocuted
Separate the darkness from the light.
The me from the you.
I couldn't help but wonder,
If your heart was made of thunder.
Or just a beautiful pile.
Of lies and smiles.
With a little bit of me in mind.
You'll change it all.
You'll change it all.
Ok, didn't like the start
That rhyme seemed a bit force, although it fits to project a feeling of anger towards the reader. Like the sarcastic way you approach it tho, and the repetition works well.Kiss me here,
Under stormy skies.
Your not scared.,
So be who you are.
Between the me and the you.
Not one,but two.
You would change it all if you could.
Continuous sarcastic remarks, love them! Typo there on the 3rd verse, "You're not...", getting the idea you're giving her control.
I wouldn't change you if I could.
Underline my last words
You cut my soul,
With a spoon and a bowl.
Of lies and smiles.
A heart full of thunder,
And a mind still unaware.
Stormy skies lie ahead.
And you'll change it all.
Ok, I do like the verse, but it gets a bit bored since you repeat the same metaphors as before, I would advise some new refreshing ideas with the same sarcastic feeling to spice it up.
Last kiss has emerged,
Under a sea of vowels and words.
Be who you are tonight.
Between the darkness and the light.
Love isn't earned, It's made.
LOVE IT! LOVE ISN'T EARNED, IT'S MADE, LOVE THAT ONE!
Under stormy skies.
...We get electrocuted
Powered by Invision Power Board (http://www.invisionboard.com)
© Invision Power Services (http://www.invisionpower.com)