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GMC Forum _ Lyrics _ Un-named, My First Lyrics
Posted by: g-forcelover Apr 25 2009, 05:07 PM
Push me aside, like a broken toy
Disregard me, like a shadow in your thoughts
I'm a voice in the back of your head
Just something you take for granted
What did I do to deserve this
Why do you just throw me away
You know I'm better off without you
f***ing up my life and my mind
(solo)
You can't fool me
I see right through you
Contradict me
F*** up my mind
Talk to me one day, ignore me the next
Pretend that you like me, then stab me in the back
I'm acually something more than that
Not what you think or you want
What did I do to deserve this
Why do you just throw me away
You know I'm better off without you
F***ing up my life and my mind
(solo)
(breakdown/outro)
--------------------------------------
My first lyrics, just about some stuff I'm going through, critisim welcome 
Posted by: Skalde Apr 25 2009, 06:00 PM
Hey g-forcelover, I think your lyrics would fit fine, to a Death Metal song. I am not a singer, but as I sung your lyrics in my mind it sounded pretty well 
Posted by: g-forcelover Apr 25 2009, 07:59 PM
thanks, I was going for a heavy metal, five finger death punch kinda feel here, but thats awesome
Posted by: Eat-Sleep-andJam Apr 26 2009, 04:47 AM
Perfect for metal and death metal.
Nice first lyrics.
I would like to see it a little more organized next time, you can say One Idea, so many different ways.
Remember that. We know that your angry, but rather then just writing very straightforward. ( Which is still good).
Try to convey it in your own unique way, metaphors, similes. You get the idea.
The emotion is there, just work with it a bit more.
Nice first lyrics man
Posted by: g-forcelover Apr 26 2009, 04:58 PM
Nice first lyrics.
I would like to see it a little more organized next time, you can say One Idea, so many different ways.
Remember that. We know that your angry, but rather then just writing very straightforward. ( Which is still good).
Try to convey it in your own unique way, metaphors, similes. You get the idea.
The emotion is there, just work with it a bit more.
Nice first lyrics man
sweet, thanks, that really helped me
Posted by: TreyDeschamp Apr 26 2009, 05:03 PM
Great first lyrics man. In a sense I sort of relate to those lyrics. Hope all is well with you. Great first lyrics.
Posted by: Rated Htr Apr 28 2009, 01:00 AM
Something very tipical to us all 
Fury lyrics work well with death metal 
My suggestion: Think about the flow of things, if you know what I mean
Posted by: The Uncreator Jun 13 2009, 04:15 PM
Push me aside, like a broken toy
Disregard me, like a shadow in your thoughts
I'm a voice in the back of your head
Just something you take for granted
Very aggressive and upfront start with the song, With a touch of a Metallica vibe in there (Which I like). Definitely a good start
What did I do to deserve this
Why do you just throw me away
You know I'm better off without you
f***ing up my life and my mind
I would actually, In the last line use, how shall I say, it...The first word you used in the last line I would also use in between "and" and "my", It just feels right to me. Still another good verse nonetheless
(solo)
You can't fool me
I see right through you
Contradict me
F*** up my mind
The last line I would change, It seems to be overstating the point a bit. Other than that though its a solid verse. Maybe lengthen the lines a bit, 2 or 3 more syllable, depending on the music with it.
Talk to me one day, ignore me the next
Pretend that you like me, then stab me in the back
I'm acually something more than that
Not what you think or you want
What did I do to deserve this
Why do you just throw me away
You know I'm better off without you
F***ing up my life and my mind
I like these last two verse, But the first one seems to be a bit off rhythm than the others, just slightly. It might just be and once again it might depend on the music with it or how its sung, And I like the reiteration of the first verse. Makes the statement stronger.
Posted by: g-forcelover Jun 13 2009, 04:32 PM
Disregard me, like a shadow in your thoughts
I'm a voice in the back of your head
Just something you take for granted
Very aggressive and upfront start with the song, With a touch of a Metallica vibe in there (Which I like). Definitely a good start
What did I do to deserve this
Why do you just throw me away
You know I'm better off without you
f***ing up my life and my mind
I would actually, In the last line use, how shall I say, it...The first word you used in the last line I would also use in between "and" and "my", It just feels right to me. Still another good verse nonetheless
(solo)
You can't fool me
I see right through you
Contradict me
F*** up my mind
The last line I would change, It seems to be overstating the point a bit. Other than that though its a solid verse. Maybe lengthen the lines a bit, 2 or 3 more syllable, depending on the music with it.
Talk to me one day, ignore me the next
Pretend that you like me, then stab me in the back
I'm acually something more than that
Not what you think or you want
What did I do to deserve this
Why do you just throw me away
You know I'm better off without you
F***ing up my life and my mind
I like these last two verse, But the first one seems to be a bit off rhythm than the others, just slightly. It might just be and once again it might depend on the music with it or how its sung, And I like the reiteration of the first verse. Makes the statement stronger.
dang man that was really good advice thanks, and im makin a couple changes and ill post them later tonight
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