Guido's 'The Worst Mistakes You Can Do In A Solo' got me thinking about what make a bad guitarist in general. One thing that can make or break the deal (for me) is Guitar tricks live. It's not hugely common that people crack out musical acrobatics on stage but still.
I went to a small gig the other day whilst I was in another UK city visiting a friend, I didn’t necessarily fancy a trip out – as much as I like a good concert, even in really small venues -- I just fancied curling up to with some Doritos and some cuddles. Yay for friends!
But I went and unfortunately came away wishing I hadn’t. It wasn’t as if the music was particularly ear destroying – the band were pretty kick ass in all fairness – it was just the egotistical ass of a front man who just wouldn’t stop flinging his guitar (and body) around the place.
My friend disagreed and came back thinking he’d witnessed the second coming of Christ and that this front man was ab-sol-utely certain to be signed in mere seconds. Nevertheless, he wasn’t, at least not when I was there. He then went on to say “I hate it when all guitar players do is just stand there, it’s so boring.”
Needless to say this blew my mind. I couldn’t disagree more. I’m not saying I want motionless robots playing music to me for an hour or so, but there’s a fair distance between “standing still” and throwing yourself round like you own the joint. And clumsily too. This was not stage acrobatics by any means.
Some of my favourite guitar players are those that just “stand there” and (cliché alert, cliché alert) let the music do the talking – sorry I couldn’t help it! For me there’s something really captivating about seeing a man/woman work the strings in such a simple way and still have an audience hooked. I understand live music is special (in part) because of the spectacle and showmanship, but what this guy was doing was just animal, and annoying.
Obviously taste differs between genres: Heavy Metalers will be more inclined towards a big show whereas Shoegazers (for example) would think you’re a pompous idiot (maybe).
Basically, got me thinking. What are the worst guitar tricks to pull at a gig do you think? Might be a contentious topic because - like I said - I know each guitar player/fan has their own special sacred list of things that they think make a great guitar player. Everyone’s going to disagree but it’ll be interesting. Here are some of mine.
Duck walk/Chuck Berry thing
The dude at the show was doing this absolutely non-stop. Half the time I wasn’t sure whether I was at a small-time rock gig or at an army base on “Dress Like a Metalhead Day”. It literally looked like he was marching to and from either side of the stage in front of the commanding officer of rock n’ roll. My friend reliably informed me after the show that Chuck Berry invented this – I now as of that day don’t like Chuck Berry. Sorry Chuck, your reputation has been tainted, that’s probably so judgemental of me!
Spinning around on the floor OR “The Angus Young”
This one is something I have only seen in person once but even that was enough to convince me I shouldn’t have to endure it again. In all fairness, the guy doing it had decided that getting completely trolleyed would be a preferable state to do an hour and a half show in. Fair enough, but think about the fact that if you’re going to be throwing yourself on the floor please ensure you have a wireless guitar. The poor bloke pulled his amp over and smashed the thing to pieces in front of a crowd of about 30 people. The embarrassment he so obviously suffered is something I wouldn’t put my worst enemy through. Most people left not long after, thank god it was basically the end anyway.
Guitar solos over 2 minutes
Once again, completely my own taste and I’m not picking a fight with anyone who feels otherwise. But stop using your guitar as an extension of your own over inflated ego. Whenever I see this I’m transported back to when I was 11 and watching School of Rock with Jack Black and thinking 10 minute guitar solos were God’s gift to mankind! I was wrong, so so wrong. I’m not even sure if this can counted as a trick (finger stamina anyone?) but it’s show-offy and I don’t like it. Moan over haha.
Power Slide
This one is a particular favourite of Tenacious D and Jack Black fans for some reason (my dislike for Jack Black is not hiding well here). Known more widely as “sliding across the floor on your knees” this is something I’m actually quite proficient at myself, as I used to do it at school discos as a child. That doesn’t mean that it looks good in guitar shows though. Like anything, it can be good in fair measurements, but the guy at the show I complained about would use this as some kind of audience pick me up whenever the show’s momentum seemed to dip. What he meant to achieve by throwing himself across the floor – and how he thought he’d take the show to the next level by doing it I’ll never know. I do think performers should be responsive, him doing this constantly proved he was anything but!
Smashing your kit
I’m not sure if this is really a guitar trick (again!) but I saw a compilation of this trick on television recently and it left me completely baffled. I can understand the seasoned moneyed pros taking their kit to town once in a blue moon but rookies and part-timers? Is that not a lot of money? I’ve always wanted to see this in full stadium glory at the end of a show for some reason, but even though it’s not technically a trick I still think it takes some level of *skill* -- if that is the right word? For example, on one occasion in this compilation the frontman went to smash up guitar for it only to break halfway down the neck and the body fall to the floor. Not that dramatic. If you’re going to be making a spectacle of your guitar’s destruction at least make it long and gruesome for us all to freak out at!
My view (largely) is that I feel all too often guitar tricks are used by people who have a very cartoon view of what rock music is. Acoustic people out there are largely spared from experiencing a lot of these dramatic disasters. But if you’ve any stories of – I don’t know – players trying to use their guitar like a chello or something, it’d be funny to hear!
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That's the way in which everyone should regard stage showmanship and a performance in general. I use to scour the venue before the show so I can see where I can run to, jump from and how long my cables should be 
