Experienced Rock Star Posts: 2.119
Joined: 15-October 07
From: Leiria, Portugal
Illusion Soil
All the rain in my face would be full of beauty visions Your eyes of truth could no longer be lies in my lyrics The true owner of heart scars, back narrow stories Keeper of my angel of music, all its past and its glory I tried to catch the unicorn, travel far away from real world I never did understand the magic of a toad seed Planted on freedom dust, growing from my own tears Left alone to be killed, if my dreams disappear
Like a daring wolf, dashing into distant lands Like a simple devil, filled of dazing fire sands Burning eager of rage and empty despair Like a lost boy whose broken heart needs repair No Merlin wonders can fix such tragedy sights No Black tainted wand can cure such wounded marks
Still I fought believing you would never be like snow So cold in the winter, yet it will still grow Come to me heated fest that gives white cheer Illusions of my heart, I found it out crystal clear
Place of Heartless Bounds
After millions of fallen drops The sand leaks sorrow and absence The hands with the veins turning black Darkness reaching our inner land Our inner home still has an open candle For every warm hand of pure kindness Receive eternal value for breaking my blindness I learned the way of the poet Feather written magic tales Every word of passion failed Written in a thousand words to unveil The first thought of my mind crossing your face The first time I gave birth to murder The first kiss you never gave in my dream Not even a hopeless move in my place Of Heartless Bounds and Mind Fighters
Last talk of the eternal
First day of talk, after silent Mumble words, eco listeners Unbelievable your remarks Was I alive to feel your smile in my eyes? Trembling shoulders, touched by gentle red nails Turned around, what should I gaze Feeling again, all my half past emotions The running was in vain
Love is the feeling of darkness inside of you I’ve lived in darkness all my life
GMC:er Posts: 2.412
Joined: 23-February 07
From: New york
Wow. Thanks man. I cant crit this. It reminds me of my situation so much. Some things, that even I didnt know how to describe. I love the last 2 lines. Really a great metaphor.
You write very well. Keep doing what your doing and thanks for the dedication.
Fire Up The Blades, Moderator Posts: 8.933
Joined: 6-March 07
From: St. Petersburg, Florida
QUOTE (Rated Htr @ Jan 13 2009, 02:21 PM)
Illusion Soil
All the rain in my face would be full of beauty visions Your eyes of truth could no longer be lies in my lyrics The true owner of heart scars, back narrow stories Keeper of my angel of music, all its past and its glory I tried to catch the unicorn, travel far away from real world I never did understand the magic of a toad seed Planted on freedom dust, growing from my own tears Left alone to be killed, if my dreams disappear Great verse, very 'mystic' if I do say so myself. I would think the last line would sound good if it ended with "Happened to dissapear". Just personal preference though, Seems like if the melody was extended a bit it would give it a more accented and profound effect coming from the singer (I imagine a female voice for some reason)
Like a daring wolf, dashing into distant lands Like a simple devil, filled of dazing fire sands Burning eager of rage and empty despair Like a lost boy whose broken heart needs repair No Merlin wonders can fix such tragedy sights No Black tainted wand can cure such wounded marks Another good verse with some very intriguing metaphors, The sudden switch to a rhyme scheme though seems a bit unnatural. The first verse had some rhyhmes, but all lines ended with it. the "AA BB CD" Scheme seems a bit out of the blue.
Still I fought believing you would never be like snow So cold in the winter, yet it will still grow Come to me heated fest that gives white cheer Illusions of my heart, I found it out crystal clear Once again I love the metaphors and the verse itself, but the rhyme seems unnatural again. "Snow, grow, cheer, clear" seems a bit obvious to me, maybe oversimplistic compared to how the song started.
Place of Heartless Bounds
After millions of fallen drops The sand leaks sorrow and absence The hands with the veins turning black Darkness reaching our inner land Our inner home still has an open candle For every warm hand of pure kindness Receive eternal value for breaking my blindness I learned the way of the poet Feather written magic tales Every word of passion failed Written in a thousand words to unveil The first thought of my mind crossing your face The first time I gave birth to murder The first kiss you never gave in my dream Not even a hopeless move in my place Of Heartless Bounds and Mind Fighters Another interesting verse, or stanza as im gonna call them now. I'm not sure [i]entirely what it is about, But I have a vague idea, Which is good. Sometimes a mystery is more intriguing than knowing the story completely.
Last talk of the eternal
First day of talk, after silent Mumble words, eco listeners Unbelievable your remarks Was I alive to feel your smile in my eyes? Trembling shoulders, touched by gentle red nails Turned around, what should I gaze Feeling again, all my half past emotions The running was in vain The way the 1st and 2nd lines connect seems out of place, maybe a typo. I am expecting "First day of talk, after silence." then "Mumbled words, eco listeners". or if silence is supposed to be silent, then still have "Mumbled words, eco listeners". The past tense fits more nicely than the present tense I think.
Love is the feeling of darkness inside of you I’ve lived in darkness all my life Great way to end it, Very dark and haunting. A fantastic 15 words.
Experienced Rock Star Posts: 2.119
Joined: 15-October 07
From: Leiria, Portugal
yay, I've been away for some time now I can comment on your own lyrics and comments. Yes, you're right, I meant silence instead of silent. Long time ago, I wrote what camed to my mind and didn't worry about how it sounded or if it was unatural, just wrote it by feeling.
...This one is dedicated to Eat-Sleep-Jam because it has some ideas that he's passing 
Thanks man. I cant crit this. It reminds me of my situation so much. Some things, that even I didnt know how to describe. 
