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GMC Forum _ CHILL OUT _ Joke Thread?

Posted by: leedbreak Nov 12 2007, 07:42 AM

Whoops I meant PG 13

Why did the first monkey jump out of the tree?

he was dead
Why did the second monkey jump from the tree?

He was tied to the first monkey.
Why did the third money jump from the tree?

peer pressure :-)

Posted by: Spiderusalem Nov 12 2007, 07:44 AM

I know the secret to Deja Vu

I know the secret to Deja Vu

Posted by: ClifordACDC Nov 12 2007, 07:55 AM

how to keep a idiot busy (see end of post)

how to keep a idiot busy (see top of post)

Posted by: leedbreak Nov 12 2007, 08:09 AM

A man is fishing along the shore. He ties a rock to a stick of dynamite then lights it.

Out of now where a Game Warden runs up to him and says that is an illegal way to fish.

The man hands the smoking dynamite to the game warden and says are you going write me a ticket or fish.

Posted by: VinceG Nov 12 2007, 09:37 AM

not really a joke but w/e

Wife: Hmm food is good tonight.
Husband: Yea, but its a little crowded in here.
Wife: What do you mean? Theres only two of us
Husband: I know, it used to be just me and the pot

Posted by: The Uncreator Nov 12 2007, 10:09 AM

heres a joke my teahcer told us about married couples...some of you might find it funny, other will be like "Meh..."

Whats the shortest sentence in the english language?

I Am. (I dont know if it is, but bear with me)

Whats the longest sentence in the english language?

I do.

Posted by: Wallimann Nov 12 2007, 11:02 AM

I don't know anything about music, but I love to hang out with musicians. I love bands. As a matter of fact, I love them so much that I let them practice at my place. who am I?

the drummer

Posted by: The Uncreator Nov 12 2007, 11:08 AM

Why do guitarists put drumsticks on there dashboard.....???

So they can park in the handicap space in parking lots!

Posted by: Slammer Nov 12 2007, 11:14 AM

Since we're on the subject of Drummer Jokes tongue.gif

How do you know when there's a drummer at the door?

His timing is terrible and he never knows when to come in!

Posted by: PacmanProductions Nov 12 2007, 11:29 AM

ive got a long one... and then i short and sweet one...

first: short one....

there were 2 muffins in an oven
one muffin said to the other "oh my god it is hot in here.."
the other muffin said " oh my god it is a talking muffin.."

Second: long one.....

why do elephants paint there toenails red?

to hide in cherry trees.

have u seen elephants with red toenails?

if u havent, its because there hiding in cherry trees.

why should u never walk through a forest btwn 3-4 pm?

thats the time when elephants tend to jump out of trees.

why are pigmes (excuse my spelling) so small?

because they walk through the forest through 3-4 pm.

and for the life of me i cant remember the rest of the joke!!!!!!!!!!!!

i have a bunch others but they're kinda durrttyy....

well heres another...

one day there was a man fishing. he had been fishing for about 3 hrs and not caught anything. then a fellow fisherman drove by in his boat.
the fishless fisherman told the other fisherman, "you know that saying, 'if you give a man a fish, he can eat for a day, but if you teach a man to fish, he can eat for a lifetime?'" "yeah." comes the reply.
"that man wasnt a fisherman." said the fishless fisherman.

not really funny, but i had to contribute

Posted by: leedbreak Nov 12 2007, 12:03 PM

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. 

Posted by: SLASH91 Nov 12 2007, 12:09 PM

Crap, I don't have any that are rated PG-13. mad.gif

Posted by: leedbreak Nov 12 2007, 12:11 PM

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

NOW --------

Enough of that . . .

The donkey later came back and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from infection.

When you do something wrong and try to cover your a**, it always comes back to bite you.

Posted by: spdalton Nov 13 2007, 01:30 PM

Heh, I hadn't heard the extra ending from that donkey joke before.

How do you get a million dollars from being a musician?

Start with two million

Posted by: Zephyr Nov 13 2007, 01:36 PM

David Bowie.

I think he's a joke... biggrin.gif

Posted by: PacmanProductions Nov 13 2007, 01:38 PM

QUOTE (Zephyr @ Nov 13 2007, 06:36 AM) *
David Bowie.
I think he's a joke... biggrin.gif

ha that was a good one... tongue.gif

Posted by: Zephyr Nov 13 2007, 02:11 PM

Time for some Chuck Norris jokes...

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him proudly until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Approximately 180,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

That's all I have for now... laugh.gif

Posted by: swingline Nov 13 2007, 02:51 PM

This ones sort of mean but bear with me

Why did Helen Keller's Dog run away?

You would too if your name was rahhrheddhedarr

Posted by: SLASH91 Nov 13 2007, 09:55 PM

QUOTE (swingline @ Nov 13 2007, 07:51 AM) *
This ones sort of mean but bear with me
Why did Helen Keller's Dog run away?
You would too if your name was rahhrheddhedarr

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: Smells Nov 28 2007, 04:46 PM

Ok so one one of the other topics earlier farts came into play and it got me on this joke biggrin.gif

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

Posted by: Tank Nov 28 2007, 04:55 PM

What's the difference between a drummer, and a drum machine?

You only have to punch the rhythm into a drum machine once...

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

100. One to change the bulb, and 99 to go, "Yeah, I can do that too"


Posted by: DeepRoots Nov 28 2007, 04:58 PM

QUOTE (Smells @ Nov 28 2007, 03:46 PM) *
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."


Posted by: Smells Nov 28 2007, 05:00 PM

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they have a machine to do that now.

How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.

biggrin.gif aww drummer always gets a rough deal

Posted by: DeepRoots Nov 28 2007, 05:00 PM

QUOTE (Tank @ Nov 28 2007, 03:55 PM) *
100. One to change the bulb, and 99 to go, "Yeah, I can do that too"

Thats a great one- how many times have we all said that laugh.gif

Posted by: Smells Nov 28 2007, 05:12 PM

Q - What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A - A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.

eek! huh.gif

Posted by: Ayen Nov 28 2007, 08:06 PM

So a seal walks into a club.

One of my favorites biggrin.gif

Posted by: ZakkWylde Nov 28 2007, 08:28 PM

How can you tell that the drumkits is correctely grounded?
When there is the same amount of slobber coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

But let's stop makin drummer jokes. It's not nice to laugh about retarded persons...

Posted by: MickeM Nov 28 2007, 08:47 PM

A pirate walks into a bar with a ships steering wheel sticking out his crotch
Bartender says - Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out your pants?
- Aarrr yay it's drivin me nuts

Posted by: Spiderusalem Nov 28 2007, 08:48 PM

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?


Posted by: tonymiro Nov 28 2007, 10:24 PM

QUOTE (Smells @ Nov 28 2007, 05:12 PM) *
Q - What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A - A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.

eek! huh.gif

Nah Chris doesn't work m8 - it either assumes that:

a) Drummers have friends unsure.gif


cool.gif that a drummer can hit something with a stick blink.gif



Posted by: Hemlok Nov 28 2007, 10:33 PM

What's brown and sticky?

A stick! laugh.gif

Posted by: mattacuk Nov 28 2007, 10:37 PM

Thats hilarious! laugh.gif

Posted by: Smells Nov 28 2007, 10:40 PM

QUOTE (tonymiro @ Nov 28 2007, 09:24 PM) *
Nah Chris doesn't work m8 - it either assumes that:

a) Drummers have friends unsure.gif


cool.gif that a drummer can hit something with a stick blink.gif



LMAO! laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: steve25 Nov 28 2007, 10:49 PM

2 Blond people were walking through the countryside(hear we go tongue.gif), when suddenly they see some tracks. They both stop and one of them says "they must be rabbit tracks".

The other one responds by saying "no way, they're definitely deer tracks".

They were still arguing when the train hit them

Posted by: mattacuk Nov 28 2007, 10:52 PM

Brown and Sticky!!! ROFLMAO

Posted by: VinceG Dec 3 2007, 12:27 AM

I'll just bump this. Better than starting a new thread about this joke.

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell
phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few
friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now
that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way
was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go
about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no
flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a
cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied
the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels
sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket
is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some
ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to
it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been
walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours.
That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed
a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He
figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry
creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's
close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of
these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy
and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he
can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd
forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the
night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without
water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a
little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to
walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures,
unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He
waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes
numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from
here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he
still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no
idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction
he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat
to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple
of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first,
and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating
he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed
to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid
for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever
moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds,
lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's
careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the
wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any
more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still
morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It
must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines,
if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried
in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes
his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close

Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand.
At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's
a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and
tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker
than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he
can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be
able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps,
he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body
hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like
a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it
ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face
with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last

He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute
of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now
crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it -
a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what
the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees
are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.

"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.

"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the

"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.

"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."

"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack

"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"

"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.

"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell

"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"

"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"

"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

"Yeah, they do," said Jack.

"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.

"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."

"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"

"Right," nodded Nate.

"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

"That takes two requests, Jack."

"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."

"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"

"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had

"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."

"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"

"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.

"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"

"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.

"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."

"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate

"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."

"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.

"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.

"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.

"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

"Why not?" asked Jack.

"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."

"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and

Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"

"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

Nate continued to grin.

"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"

"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."

"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"

"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"

"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."

"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"

"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months

"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"

"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.

Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"

"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"

"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."

"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.

"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.

"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"

"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes,
straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there.
With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot
in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the
now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to
the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he
thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

"Nate, do accidents count?"

Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know,
accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
that still wipe out humanity?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.

A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.

"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.

"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull
the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a

"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated
you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by
the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that
in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they
wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
whatever had disappeared."

"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him
off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
right?" asked Jack.

"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."

"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
Do you know what he died of, Nate?"

"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start
questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He
faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and
he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he
liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't
stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend
time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he
told me he'd had enough. It was his time."

"And then he just died?" asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only
one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his
time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always

After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
with the sunrise."

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long
walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made
it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without
incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's
lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a
book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to
avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new
backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then
started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he
knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of,
and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought
a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger,
special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot
rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out
its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he
'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started
traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace
Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this
visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at
Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's
silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."

Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and
then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?

"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son."
Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.

"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I

Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around
for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the
edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me
about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go
see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the
other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to
have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I
have been.

"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear
that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even
joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can
do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was
something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
"Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my
first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to
know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But
anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I
needed a replacement."

Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world,
and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"

Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave
here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about
this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would
be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another
hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself.
Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said
was, "What do you want me to do?"

Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around
the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here
and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now.
I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
able to die. And I need you to kill me.

"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so
that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd
say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground
or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of
going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work,
even on me.

"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.

"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."

Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy!
Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."

Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it
back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
headed into the desert with Sammy following.
Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through
e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting
every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a
natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up
acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to
keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were
nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a
few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle
them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few
wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the
newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that
Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans
could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told
Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from
his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to
Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by
getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as
much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was
definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to
head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like
walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to
figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either
have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was
only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks
afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they
drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of
sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out
into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds,
revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to
the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed
up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd
decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing
traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to
keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the
other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and
laughing at Jack's driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV
started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped
the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were
heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for
it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second,
Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the
lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit
the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a
little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped
around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the
stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of
the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV
was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the
sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the
lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER,"
he ran over the snake.

Posted by: botoxfox Dec 3 2007, 12:25 PM

Sorry dude. that one's too long for me to read... biggrin.gif

Posted by: Smells Dec 3 2007, 12:26 PM

QUOTE (botoxfox @ Dec 3 2007, 11:25 AM) *
Sorry dude. that one's too long for me to read... biggrin.gif

lol! laugh.gif yea I kinda gave up when I saw how long it was too laugh.gif

Posted by: mattacuk Dec 3 2007, 12:28 PM

laugh.gif laugh.gif

I dont even know one joke sad.gif I guess my creativty isnt in this area dry.gif

Posted by: Smells Dec 3 2007, 12:31 PM

QUOTE (mattacuk @ Dec 3 2007, 11:28 AM) *
laugh.gif laugh.gif

I dont even know one joke sad.gif I guess my creativty isnt in this area dry.gif

Know what ya mean m8, I get told loads of jokes at work, really good ones too, but I`m hopeless at remembering them! laugh.gif either that or they arnt really clean enough to be posted wink.gif

Posted by: DeepRoots Dec 3 2007, 01:24 PM

Okay so i just sat through reading that gigantic joke, expecting it to be fantastic. unsure.gif
Oh dear... tongue.gif

Maybe its my British sense of humour that requires a cerain kind of joke- but i'm gonna hit ebay now to find a replacement 30 minutes for the time i just spent. dry.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: mattacuk Dec 3 2007, 01:26 PM

laugh.gif laugh.gif deeproots just made me laugh out loud and it wasnt a joke!! biggrin.gif

Posted by: DeepRoots Dec 3 2007, 01:26 PM

Okay- so now i'm laughing because i google "desert snake man joke nate" and found in my results:

"longest joke in the world"

Now that was worth it!! biggrin.gif

- i now feel like i've accomplished something wink.gif

Posted by: Smikey2006 Dec 3 2007, 01:44 PM

QUOTE (Ayen @ Nov 28 2007, 02:06 PM) *
So a seal walks into a club.
One of my favorites biggrin.gif

heh seal clubbing.. horrible .. yet funnyy biggrin.gif

I read the long 1. It was a good story.. funny ending but i kinda wanted a lifes lession after reading all of that.. better nate than lever biggrin.gif what a horrible way to die hahah

Posted by: VinceG Dec 3 2007, 04:08 PM

It was a horrible ending but I could not find a better ending than what it really is. Better Nate than lever then nate died. The end. Horrible but it really makes you smile. Imagine telling that whole thing to someone.

Posted by: Smells Dec 3 2007, 04:24 PM

Just been told this so thought I`d post it before it left the grey matter biggrin.gif

A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hey , could I get a beer please"

The bartender looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"

Posted by: DeepRoots Dec 3 2007, 04:31 PM

QUOTE (Smells @ Dec 3 2007, 03:24 PM) *
"No, we don't serve food here"


Posted by: mattacuk Dec 3 2007, 07:51 PM

Oh my my my laugh.gif unsure.gif

Posted by: Pavel Dec 3 2007, 11:22 PM

Have some laugh laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: Andrew Cockburn Dec 3 2007, 11:41 PM

I had to read it - I'm a freeakin' moderator - at least you guys had the choice to ignore it huh.gif

Posted by: DeepRoots Dec 3 2007, 11:49 PM

QUOTE (Andrew Cockburn @ Dec 3 2007, 10:41 PM) *
I had to read it - I'm a freeakin' moderator - at least you guys had the choice to ignore it huh.gif

Unfortunatley i make bad choices in life.... laugh.gif

However, I have bragged to several friends that i had the cojones to read the longest joke ever.

Suffice to say nobody congratulated me...

The new US stealth jet fighter

Now where did i park that thing?

+ I'm sure you have to be extra careful when climbing in - i hear that a joystick vanishing up that region can be fatal blink.gif

Posted by: tonymiro Dec 4 2007, 12:19 AM

QUOTE (Andrew Cockburn @ Dec 3 2007, 11:41 PM) *
I had to read it - I'm a freeakin' moderator - at least you guys had the choice to ignore it huh.gif

laugh.gif I had to re-read it several times Andrew as I kept on falling asleep or kept on getting distracted wink.gif . 'Oh the life of a mod is not a happy one' sung to the sound of whichever Gilbert and Sullivan Opera libretto it was unsure.gif .

Posted by: Dejan Dec 4 2007, 12:23 AM

Here's one joke I heard from an American biggrin.gif

On a hot summer day a fly was sitting on a branch of a bush above a lake and thinking:

"I feel so hot, if I move 2 inches down I'll ne closer to water and it would cool me down"

Below the fly, there was a fish in the water and thinking:

"If the fly goes 2 inches down I would be able to jump and catch it"

Besides the bush there was a bear and thinking:

"If the fly goes 2 inches down, the fish would jump for the fly and I would be able to catch the fish"

On the other side of the lake there was a hunter eating cheese sandwich and thinking:

"If the fly goes 2 inches down, the fish would jump for the fly, the bear would go for the fish and I would be able to shoot the bear"

From a hole near the hunter there was a rat and thinking:

"If the fly goes 2 inches down, the fish would jump for the fly, the bear would go for the fish, the hunter would drop the sandwich and shoot the bear and I would be able to take the cheese"

Nearby there was a cat and thinking:

"If the fly goes 2 inches down, the fish would jump for the fly, the bear would go for the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear and drop the cheese sandwich, the rat would go for the cheese and I would be able to catch the rat"

Then, the fly went 2 inches down, the fish jumped for the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter dropped the sandwich and shot the bear, the rat went for the cheese, the cat jumped for the rat, but missed and fell into the water and drowned..

So, whenever the fly goes down, one pussy is in the trouble smile.gif

Posted by: VinceG Dec 4 2007, 12:26 AM

QUOTE (Andrew Cockburn @ Dec 4 2007, 03:41 AM) *
I had to read it - I'm a freeakin' moderator - at least you guys had the choice to ignore it huh.gif

Wheres my thanks for enlightening you guys with the longest joke ever.

Did you guys like it Tony and Andrew?

Dejan, that joke is hilarious!!!!

Posted by: tonymiro Dec 4 2007, 12:48 AM

I did Vince - it appealed to my sense of humour mate smile.gif .

Posted by: Andrew Cockburn Dec 4 2007, 12:58 AM

It was the lamest punch line ever ... but I actually was really absorbed in the story itself laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: VinceG Dec 4 2007, 01:32 AM

QUOTE (Andrew Cockburn @ Dec 4 2007, 04:58 AM) *
It was the lamest punch line ever ... but I actually was really absorbed in the story itself laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Yea, I felt that too. I love the conflict and drama in it. The ending however ruined the story so much its hilarious.

Posted by: g-forcelover Dec 4 2007, 01:46 AM

hmmmm. don't know how to delete this post

Posted by: VinceG Dec 4 2007, 02:44 AM

A bear walks into a bar, sits down on a stool and orders a drink. "I'll have a rum....

and coke" he said. The bartender replied "Why the big pause?"

Posted by: Andrew Cockburn Dec 4 2007, 02:48 AM

QUOTE (VinceG @ Dec 3 2007, 08:44 PM) *
A bear walks into a bar, sits down on a stool and orders a drink. "I'll have a rum....
and coke" he said. The bartender replied "Why the big pause?"

Mercifully shorter than the last one, adn about as funny laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: VinceG Dec 4 2007, 02:59 AM

lol thanks Andrew. Thought I give you admins some break. But still you gotta admit the amount of time someone dedicated to coming up with a concept to that joke(the long one). I can see him writing a 500 page book with that story extended and ending it the same way. Imagine how mad people would be with an ending like that.

Posted by: tonymiro Dec 4 2007, 09:21 AM

Hollywood probably bought the film rights as well Vince and will be working on the sequel even as we speak unsure.gif .


Posted by: Owen Dec 4 2007, 08:15 PM

I feel I'm missing out on something, whats with the teletubby avatars laugh.gif ?

Our polish members may disapprove laugh.gif

Posted by: botoxfox Dec 4 2007, 08:20 PM

QUOTE (Owen @ Dec 4 2007, 08:15 PM) *
I feel I'm missing out on something, whats with the teletubby avatars laugh.gif ?

Our polish members may disapprove laugh.gif

+1 I'm wondering about that too... huh.gif

Posted by: Owen Dec 4 2007, 08:26 PM

I've (un)officially initiated myself into their cult now. Lets see if I can find some answers laugh.gif

Posted by: Robin Dec 4 2007, 08:48 PM

Much better than jokes.

Posted by: VinceG Dec 4 2007, 09:51 PM

lol. Way to make this a 4chan forum Robin.

Posted by: VinceG Dec 4 2007, 11:37 PM

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their greats hits were The Wall.

Posted by: Smells Dec 4 2007, 11:40 PM

QUOTE (VinceG @ Dec 4 2007, 10:37 PM) *
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their greats hits were The Wall.

hmm.. not a royal fan but not exactly great taste

Posted by: Owen Dec 4 2007, 11:47 PM

My new signature!

Brent quoted out of context! laugh.gif

He's gonna kill me for this one tongue.gif


Posted by: tonymiro Dec 5 2007, 12:05 AM

QUOTE (Smells @ Dec 4 2007, 11:40 PM) *
hmm.. not a royal fan but not exactly great taste

Yeah - 'Wish you were here' is a much better album smile.gif .

Sorry couldn't resist - I'll get my coat unsure.gif

Posted by: VinceG Dec 5 2007, 05:02 PM

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: “You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.”

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd man says: “What are you, a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen.”

1st man: “No, it’s true, let me prove it to you.” So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd man tells him: “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke.”

1st man: “No, I’ll prove it again” and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs, he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd man: “Well what the hell, it works, I’ll try it.” So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors…and hits the sidewalk with a ’splat.’

Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker: “You know Superman, you’re a real a**hole when you’re drunk.”

Posted by: Smells Dec 5 2007, 05:12 PM

laugh.gif laugh.gif like it laugh.gif

Posted by: VinceG Dec 5 2007, 05:20 PM

lol glad you like it biggrin.gif

Posted by: drummingguitarist06 Dec 5 2007, 05:24 PM

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

Good lawyer knows the law. Great lawyer knows the judge.

Posted by: botoxfox Dec 5 2007, 06:08 PM

I've just read one of the funniest jokes in my life, but I can't post it... unsure.gif
Edit: Here's a link to the joke as it's not really that naughty... I think...

Posted by: botoxfox Dec 6 2007, 09:26 PM

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths.So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting
hammering on his fingers.Of course, he couldn't stand that for long,
so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
bushes, stunned but okay.I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into
the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it
landed on him, killing him instantly.But all the stress and anger got
to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldn't hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I
held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated.Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a

Posted by: Smells Dec 6 2007, 09:29 PM

laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: Bulletproof Dec 7 2007, 06:30 PM

Vince...I actually read that joke of yours. I can't believe after all really was a joke...not very funny punch-line but the story was quite amusing. Now I need visene cause my eyes are blood-shot. KEK.

Posted by: Gen Dec 31 2007, 12:10 PM

QUOTE (botoxfox @ Dec 5 2007, 08:08 PM) *
I've just read one of the funniest jokes in my life, but I can't post it... unsure.gif
Edit: Here's a link to the joke as it's not really that naughty... I think...

Hahahahahahahaha, i cant stop laughing laugh.gif
Good one tongue.gif

Posted by: botoxfox Dec 31 2007, 12:34 PM


Posted by: Fsgdjv Jan 19 2008, 08:59 PM

That joke was good! How offensive can the jokes be? I only know offensive stuff:/

EDIT: Basically, what I mean is, are racist jokes allowed? rolleyes.gif

Posted by: Smells Jan 19 2008, 09:03 PM

QUOTE (Fsgdjv @ Jan 19 2008, 07:59 PM) *
EDIT: Basically, what I mean is, are racist jokes allowed? rolleyes.gif

Probably not a good idea wink.gif

remember also we have young members here, just keep em in good taste smile.gif

Posted by: Fsgdjv Jan 19 2008, 09:04 PM

QUOTE (Smells @ Jan 19 2008, 09:03 PM) *
Probably not a good idea wink.gif

remember also we have young members here, just keep em in good taste smile.gif

Well, I had to ask.. biggrin.gif

Posted by: blindwillie Feb 14 2008, 08:23 PM

QUOTE (botoxfox @ Dec 5 2007, 06:08 PM) *
I've just read one of the funniest jokes in my life, but I can't post it... unsure.gif
Edit: Here's a link to the joke as it's not really that naughty... I think...

Yeah I liked that one.

Posted by: blindwillie Feb 14 2008, 08:27 PM

I don't think GMC is equipped with a Chuck Norris thread and I don't want to start one so I'll put it here.
Just to show you that Chuck is really HUGE.
1. Go to
2. type in "find chuck norris"
3. Hit the "I feel lucky" button

/"minor" spelling error in link corrected smile.gif

Posted by: Owen Feb 14 2008, 08:41 PM


I was so confused for a minute there.

Thinking "thats rather strange for google" huh.gif then I looked at the address bar haha tongue.gif

Posted by: blindwillie Feb 14 2008, 08:48 PM

Maybe I should add that I get redirected to so my guess is that the button is labeled "I feel lucky" in english, I don't know really. And I hope the result is the same in all the localised versions of google.

Posted by: FretDancer69 Feb 15 2008, 03:58 AM

QUOTE (blindwillie @ Feb 14 2008, 01:27 PM) *
I don't think GMC is equipped with a Chuck Norris thread and I don't want to start one so I'll put it here.
Just to show you that Chuck is really HUGE.
1. Go to
2. type in "find chuck norris"
3. Hit the "I feel lucky" button

/"minor" spelling error in link corrected smile.gif

LMAO what the hell!!!?P huh.gif huh.gif huh.gif huh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: albino Feb 16 2008, 03:22 AM

1. Camilla Parker-Bowles walks into a bar and a horse says 'Why the long face?'

2. A man who is just a head wants to compete in a swimming race. The swimmers take their positions on the starting blocks and an official helps the guy who is just a head onto his block. The official fires the starting pistol and everyone dives in. The head has trouble with this but manages to wobble into the pool where he immediately sinks to the bottom. The race is over and the official notices that the head is still at the bottom of the pool. So he rolls his sleeves up, reaches in and pulls the head out of the pool. "Are you alright, mate?" says the official. After much coughing and blustering the head says "Oh man....what a time to get cramp!"

Posted by: CycoKilla Feb 16 2008, 08:24 AM

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

- Saliva

How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

- 1. He just holds the bulb & the entire world revolves around him.

Posted by: Owen Feb 16 2008, 03:00 PM

Posted by: The Uncreator Feb 16 2008, 03:31 PM

Why do guitarist put drumsticks on the dashboard of their cars when they park?

--So they can park in the handicap spots.

Posted by: DeepRoots Feb 16 2008, 06:38 PM

QUOTE (Owen @ Feb 16 2008, 02:00 PM) *

lmao that was ingenius...

Posted by: DeepRoots Feb 16 2008, 06:46 PM

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Posted by: botoxfox Feb 16 2008, 06:47 PM

QUOTE (DeepRoots @ Feb 16 2008, 06:38 PM) *
lmao that was ingenius...

+1 Haha

Posted by: Stevie·Ray·Vaughn Feb 16 2008, 07:00 PM

So a drummer, sick of being made fun of, decides he wants to learn another instrument. So he heads to the local music store and asks the clerk
"Where are you accordians?"
"Over there" Says the clerk as he points to a corner
After about 5 minutes, the drummer returns to the clerk and says
"Id like to buy the big white one in the very back"
"Youre a drummer arent you?" says the clerk
"Yes, why?"
"Because thats a radiator"


Posted by: Owen Feb 16 2008, 07:10 PM

QUOTE (Stevie·Ray·Vaughn @ Feb 16 2008, 10:00 AM) *
So a drummer, sick of being made fun of, decides he wants to learn another instrument. So he heads to the local music store and asks the clerk
"Where are you accordians?"
"Over there" Says the clerk as he points to a corner
After about 5 minutes, the drummer returns to the clerk and says
"Id like to buy the big white one in the very back"
"Youre a drummer arent you?" says the clerk
"Yes, why?"
"Because thats a radiator"


Brilliant! biggrin.gif

Posted by: Stevie·Ray·Vaughn Feb 16 2008, 07:21 PM

QUOTE (Owen @ Feb 16 2008, 06:10 PM) *
Brilliant! biggrin.gif

Thank you smile.gif

Posted by: FretDancer69 Feb 16 2008, 09:27 PM

QUOTE (Owen @ Feb 16 2008, 12:10 PM) *
Brilliant! biggrin.gif

i dont get it... sort of... blink.gif

Posted by: Smikey2006 Feb 16 2008, 09:36 PM

An old man is living all alone on a farm. His one and only son has been sent to prision and the father misses him very much. One day the father writes a letter to his son.

" Son i am trying to run this farm all alone but it is very hard work. I cannot support a stable crop so this year i have to dig up the garden to plant potatos. Now that i am old it is very hard and i am sad to not have your help with planting like i usually do. I miss you very much and i hope to see you soon. "

The son who is in prision recieves the letter and instantly replies.


The FBI arrives at the old mans home and hastily dig up the garden and much of the surrounding area.
The son soon sends a second letter..

" I am sorry Father but that is all i can do to help from here "

smile.gif... im not very good at telling the joke.. but when i heard it i found it funny smile.gif

Posted by: Stevie·Ray·Vaughn Feb 16 2008, 09:38 PM

Haha what a smart kid smile.gif

Posted by: The Uncreator Feb 17 2008, 03:11 AM

QUOTE (FretDancer69 @ Feb 16 2008, 12:27 PM) *
i dont get it... sort of... blink.gif

Are you a drummer?!?! laugh.gif

Sorry i had to laugh.gif

Posted by: Stevie·Ray·Vaughn Feb 17 2008, 06:02 AM

I can sweep so fast that people occasionally die! ph34r.gif

...But thats usually only when I hit them with the broom biggrin.gif

Posted by: The Uncreator Feb 17 2008, 06:10 AM

^Haha, Why do i find that so funny?

Pwnt cool.gif

Posted by: edgecrusher Feb 17 2008, 05:32 PM

shortest musician joke ever:

two musicians pass by a bar.

Posted by: The Uncreator Feb 17 2008, 07:14 PM


that is great cool.gif

Posted by: Duncan Feb 18 2008, 12:35 AM

A homeless man runs into a pub and asks for a cocktail stick. The barmaid, slightly confused hands one over and the homeless man runs out. Five minutes later another homeless man runs in and asks for a cocktail stick. The barmaid hands one over and the homeless man runs out. Then a third homeless man runs in and asks for a straw. The barmaid confused asks:

"Why do homeless people keep coming in here and asking for cocktail sticks and straws?"

The homeless man replies:

"Someone has been sick outside, and the other two homeless guys have got the best bits."

Posted by: Smikey2006 Feb 18 2008, 02:03 AM

QUOTE (Duncan @ Feb 17 2008, 06:35 PM) *
A homeless man runs into a pub and asks for a cocktail stick. The barmaid, slightly confused hands one over and the homeless man runs out. Five minutes later another homeless man runs in and asks for a cocktail stick. The barmaid hands one over and the homeless man runs out. Then a third homeless man runs in and asks for a straw. The barmaid confused asks:

"Why do homeless people keep coming in here and asking for cocktail sticks and straws?"

The homeless man replies:

"Someone has been sick outside, and the other two homeless guys have got the best bits."


Posted by: Tuubsu Feb 18 2008, 08:06 AM

uuuu... Duncan thats harsh!

a Man just singed his insurance papers on a old crappy cabin he had by the lake...
"What if my cabin burns down next night... how much will I get?"
"About 4-5 years at most"

Man goes to a doctor...
"Doctor, I have strawberry stuck in my bum!"
"Don't worry, I've got a cream for that!"

A dog goes to a telegram office and takes a blank form and writes
"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examines the paper and politely tells the dog:
"There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price."
The dog replies "But... That would make no sense!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!”

Posted by: Outlaw2112 Apr 19 2008, 04:05 AM

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen
cooking, he looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one
of his socks in frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came
to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself,
"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."


Why did the cute little koala fall out of the tree?

Because a hunter shot it.

A married man once asked his wife what she would like to have as an anniversary present.

"I'd like something shiny that goes from zero to 200 in less than 6 seconds!" she says.

The man bought her a bathroom scale. His funeral is this Saturday at 2.


I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee, and

A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
Standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital
status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Did you here that UPS is being bought out by FED EX making a merge together? Their new name is going to be FEDUP

luke skywalker and obi wann are eating out at a chinese restuarant. luke starts throwing a fit and complaining about how hard it is to eat the food.

obi scratches is mustache and goes "luke.... use the forks!"

Posted by: drummingguitarist06 Apr 21 2008, 12:15 AM


I've been drumming for a lot longer than guitar lol. tongue.gif

So now, it's my turn to get even. biggrin.gif

Q - What's the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund?

A - One matures.

Q - How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune ?

A - Evidently all of them.

Q - What is the definition of a minor second?

A - Two lead guitarists playing in unison.

Q - How do you make a guitarist play quieter?

A - Put sheet music in front of him.

Q - How do you make him stop?

A - Put notes on it.

Two guys were walking down the street, One was destitute, The other was a guitarist as well.

Q - What's worse than telling jokes about guitarists?

A - Laughing at 'em.

Q - What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

A - He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

Q - Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?

A - Neither have I.

Three guitarists collaborated on a book of scales. Each contributed the one he knew.

Q - What are the two most frequent heavy metal guitarist lies?

A - 1. I am not too loud! 2. I have already turned down!

Q - What is a stripper's favorite instrument?

A - A guitar -- the G string is thinner.

There, I have now gotten my payback for all the drummer jokes. biggrin.gif

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