Down Goes That Wall. Up Goes The Rope. |
|
|
|
|
Jan 13 2009, 05:04 PM
|
|
QUOTE (Eat-Sleep-andJam @ Jan 12 2009, 03:27 PM)  c4c Used faces laying on the floor, The different ones that she once wore. A happy face sits in the trash, Dissappointment got the best of her. And now its only make believe, To think her depression will ever leave. Like the reference to the faces, has a bit of a Warrel Dane-esque quality to it. And the mentioning of the only happy face being in the trash sets the song up for a dreary overtone. So many outfits, So many lies. Hiding herself, From unseen eyes. Peering down from the clouds above, She finds anger, but shes after love. Reinforces that the person here is confused, or deceiving others (or themselves), or just unsure of what there doing in a good way. The rhyme between eyes and lies seems a bit to obvious to me, But I just have a natural predispostion to oavoid rhyming wherever possible when I write, unless Its completely natural (Which means I dont notice it). So not really saying if its a positve or negative, hanging there undecided I guess. Looking up, Down goes her wall. I broke right through, To find her hanging from the ceiling. I cant grip anything, I have no feelings. A cold few lines, No feelings felt for the scene you have come upon. Maybe o ut of shock or disbelief? Leaves the reader, and thats always good. Some of the rhyme seems a bit forced though, But once again, that might just be me. " I'll right your name in my suicide letter." Were your last words to me. So many people I should tell. But theres noone I want to see. but, You. Alive. And loving life. But you didnt. You F****** DIDNT ! I can now feel your pain. With a heart no longer beating, As I look at the wall, And see you hang from that ceiling. Like the ending, You end up having an emotion to the scene you stumbled on, Gives the listener some closure to why you wrote this. The only suggestion is the rhyming, Not saying its bad but if you struggle to much to get a rhyme it will seem forced and unnatural. Just make sure its accurately expressing the thoughts you want, And you didn't settle for a certain because it rhymed. (To Be Continued.....? Maybe..... ) © John Minoia 2009 c4c? https://www.guitarmasterclass.net/guitar_fo...showtopic=23359 |
 |
 
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Jan 17 2009, 06:03 PM
|
|
Yes, The more people we can get on here the better
|
|
|
|
|
I'll be back 
 
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
