QUOTE (Eat-Sleep-andJam @ Jan 8 2009, 08:10 PM)
c4c
Words full of lightning
Every bolt,
A life is saved.
Flesh full of razors,
Cause thats just how it was made.
Threatened only by itself,
Breeding in the shadows of its mind.
With every word, comes a consquence,
Evert sentence, Every Line.
I really, really like this verse. The metaphors are great, especially the last 2 lines, Provides great imagery.
Sculpted by the past,
A figment of life and death.
Seeking the refuge of the holy one,
To change whatever its become.
A creature.
That dwells in the swamps of its own mind.
Nothings left out there,
Because its all just left behind.
Another good verse as well, The short line "A creature" gives off a sense of evil. Most lines of this stanza are full sentences, then the sudden 5th line with two just words, a creature, adds a cool effect
Alone until now,
Found only by the truth.
Of a self-sufficient dummy.
A symbol of our youth.
Puzzled as we watch,
As it rips, and rips.
The blood drips from its mouth,
On to my fingertips.
Hate to say it, But this verse lacks the strength of the previous two. The choice of words doesn't seem to fit the straightforward nature of the other verses. Lines 6 and 7 seems almost struggling to come out, Maybe a few changes here and there would spice it up a bit. Like in Line 6, Instead of using rips twice, you could another verb in place of it, Like tears, sheers, or strips?
Let it be known,
That this creature doesnt stand alone.
I once fought for such impure things.
Prayed every night,
That death would find me.
Lost in the creature.
The forgotten one.
The beast of the earth,
An unborn son.
When it finally told me to " Leave it Alone."
I decided it was my turn.
To rip the flesh from bone.
The creature that I have watched.
This creature that I've admired.
A creature I've become.
Decent ending for the song, Especially when you start to relate yourself to the beast and eventually become the beast at the end. I love the theme of becoming something you hated, loved, or just watched. Those themes intrigue me. Some of the verses need a bit of work to strenghten them though
© John Minoia 2008
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