Hey man! Thanx for choosing my lesson. I hope you enjoy it
Fisrt of all - technical things. To get best possible feedback, we need to have clearest possible audio and video. At this field you should make us see right hand clearly as well. As for the audio issues - what we experience in your take is probably caused by pc speakers and guitar amp being directed towards each other. It causes phase issues and that's how camera mic reacts to these. I would be best if you could do the opposite - rorate on the chair and put your amp under the desk with your pc speakrs. This way both would play the same direction. You can record a video using your smartphone - just need to find something to put it on, in front of you and PC. These are simple, no-cost things you can do to make your takes look and sound better.
2nd thing. You need to realize that this lesson is dedicated for strat that usually comes with a single coil in neck position. There's a huge dynamics response difference between single and humbucker so even with your best effeort you need to accept not everything will sound exactly like in the lesson.
3rd - this lesson was designed to give you the ability to free your powers and get sort of Hendrix feel - in the rhythm part it's litelrally wrist throwing the hand at the strings. In your case you have a stable resting point and perform it like a solo lick. It's totally different kind of feel. It should be more liek a strumming across one string, than alternate picking.
4th - most attention taking issue of the take is completely irregular picking direction. In my lesson 99% of the picking direction choice has it's point - tonal or groove one. In this case I mostly strum alternately to match my personal "timer" with the track timeline. when you go back to the lesson analysis, please take care of the picking direction for each note
5th - timing issues. Most probably comes form mentioned picking rendomness. At some points you are tight with the timing that's why I belive it's not your overall sense of timing issue. Some lick are simply played in a different rhythm than original. Especially chorus parts need to be adjusted at this field.
6th - hard to objectively judge your dynamics because of the audio quality - Some treble of your guitars tone get's lost so the difference between sharp and soft playing becomes slightly compressed.
There are lot's of little mistakes where you make a vibrato instead of 1/4 step bend ornament, or use too much piciing on the lick with legato only but these are things you can clearly capture by yourself and will get back to this in your second take. First try to fix what's mentioned above and then we'll see how to further help you
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