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> That Autumn Day, Amateur lyrics
Tuubsu
post Feb 3 2008, 04:39 AM
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Yeah well, I never have considered myself as a great lyricist, but anyway I gave it a go after I wrote this pretty simple acoustic song. So basically it's about a man, in first person, who's life pretty much ends at just one autumn day.

Here are the lyrics

Autumn Day

That Autumn day I saw her dying
She got hit by a car on an open highway
She looked at me and took her last breath
on my arms

That Autumn day I lost my Job
They said they needed to make some budget cuts
all I could do was go home
and think of the world

CHORUSx2
Isn't there a some way for a man to survive
A blink of hope for a better tomorrow
Is there no god or justice
I don't know

That Autumn day My house caught fire
I watched it burn all the way to the ground
all the way to ashes

That Autumn day I got diagnosed with a cancer
doctor said it's bad and don't got much to live
Like I had anyway...

Chorusx2

That Autumn day I wrote this song
loaned my friends guitar and
strummed a few chords
Yet that Autumn day was the
last day of my life...

Give as straight feedback as possible, if you think it's rubbish say it... or post it straight to my face, I'm not gonna get offended and hunt you down for it. smile.gif


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Anyone can learn to play fast, like anyone can learn to type quickly. But not everyone can write a book.
- Yngwie J. Malmsteen


Idols:

Jason Becker (ex-Cacophony, ex-David Lee Roth, Solo)
Marty Friedman (ex-Cacophony, ex-Megadeth, Solo)
Niccolo Paganini (Solo)
Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen....Duh!)
Frederic Chopin (Solo)

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The Uncreator
post Feb 3 2008, 06:18 AM
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Hmm, well the idea comes through, but the lyrics seem to lack a bit of rhythm, try finding a nice easy rhythm to write too and use words that fit it. Do this and i think it will be much better smile.gif

The idea is there, it just needs some fine tuning.
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Tuubsu
post Feb 3 2008, 05:22 PM
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hmm... I think I know what your talking about. To the rhythm of the song the lyrics..............Somewhat fit, but it could be a LOT better...

As I said I never have considered myself as a talented lyricist, but from now on I will spend more time thinking about them and bettering myself on that subject. Therefore I'm going to start to upload more of my lyrics here hoping to get constructive critic.

I've look at some of your lyrics uncreator, and I must say I'm very impressed with them. smile.gif So theres one thing that I would like to know...
What makes you tick? how do you come up with them? is it just a matter of inspiration? Would you consider yourself talented, or would you quote kris and say "I have no talent at all, you can beat me with hard work"?


--------------------
Anyone can learn to play fast, like anyone can learn to type quickly. But not everyone can write a book.
- Yngwie J. Malmsteen


Idols:

Jason Becker (ex-Cacophony, ex-David Lee Roth, Solo)
Marty Friedman (ex-Cacophony, ex-Megadeth, Solo)
Niccolo Paganini (Solo)
Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen....Duh!)
Frederic Chopin (Solo)

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The Uncreator
post Feb 4 2008, 01:47 AM
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Ah well, my lyrics are a weird thing. I dont think im the best, but im proud of what i write, This is the process i go through.

First, i start with an idea, like the series of songs based on a story i wrote called "The Daughter Of The Universe". I write an outline of the first song, what i want it to contain, the feeling of it, the story, and jot down a few verses or something. Then i ask my self these questions...

How do i want it to start?
Where do i want it to go?
Should there be mood changes?
How do i want it to end?

With these in mind, Start writing down lyrics that come into your head, and if you feel that you are stuck and cant come up with lyrics, do what i do....And this may seem weird, but say you have a line that you want to convey power in, so you think of some lyrics like.....

With all the strength in my hand
Not far from my grasp
The city of troy shall fall


Ok so nothing amazing right, lets rearrange the words using one of my favorite tools, The Thesaurus! Sounds weird but its a great way to see new words that you can use, and produce different rhythmic patterns (Remember, how you pronounce a word greatly affects rhythm and rhyme)

Ok anyway, so i want this set of lyrics to have a bit more rhyme to it, and a standard 4 line verse...With the help of the thesaurus, i can see that another word for 'Fall' is Collapse. So now we have

With all the strength in my hand
Not far from my grasp
The city of troy shall collapse


But i wanted a 4th line, so i need to add one. Well if we rhyme too much, it might sound weird, so we need a rhyme scheme to keep things in order. Im gonna go with the ABAB Rhyme scheme. Each letter in 'ABAB' is a line of lyrics, and the two letters 'A' will rhyme, and the two letters 'B' Will rhyme.

Moving on...So what do we add to the lyrics? Well lets think, Where is Troy located? on a beach....well, whats on a beach? water, sand, a little grass....My point is, think about not only what your singing about, but whats around what your singing about, this adds another level of depth to it.

Like for example, your song takes place in autumn, so you could ask yourself, what are the characteristics of an autumn day? Then use whatever you think of, to describe your location even further, or even just slide in that as a ominous sign, the character in your story sees "Autumn Leaves, dropping dead, falling far from the trees". See where im going?

Anyway, so with the lyrics...

With all the strength in my hand
Not far from my grasp
The city of troy shall collapse


lets add another line, now recall what surrounds troy....Sand, well lets sneak something that describes what the sand would look like outside Troy...and i come up with this...

With all the strength in my hand
Not far from my grasp
Blood will soak, and paint the sand
The city of Troy, Shall collapse


And wa-la!! I think this is a much stronger verse, and it has a rhythm in it you can work with.

I dont know if my rambling has helped, but hopefully out of all of this, you found a little help smile.gif

QUOTE
What makes you tick? how do you come up with them? is it just a matter of inspiration? Would you consider yourself talented, or would you quote kris and say "I have no talent at all, you can beat me with hard work"?


Ha, well everything makes me tick if that makes sense. Anything from Music, Movies, Games, Books, or even hearing a single line of lyrics will set me off, just ask Stevie Ray Vaughan on here, i have these weird bursts where i cant stop writing, i dont know why.

Coming up with them? Well its stems from a lot of daydreaming, reading, and imagining places i would like to see. I watch a lot of sci-fi and fantasy stuff, so a lot of my ideas come from there, i just observe the world as i see it, and inspiration never fails to come smile.gif

Well, i believe my lyrics are good, i like them, im proud of them, and i have gotten some positive feedback, But ive been writing lyrics since i was 13 (5 Years ago). Only recently have i started to really write lyrics, and say to myself, "These lyrics i should keep", where as before i would throw a lot of way, it takes time. Look at your favorite musicians, analyze there lyrics, and take in word patterns, rhythmic patterns, and word selection, and with time, always with time (and lots of practice) you will get better smile.gif

This post has been edited by The Uncreator: Feb 4 2008, 01:53 AM
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Stevie-Ray-Vaugh...
post Feb 4 2008, 03:27 AM
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I like to write in the same vein as The Uncreator. I like to come up with a topic, make a little story out of it, and then turn it into a song. Works fine for me! biggrin.gif And yes, Uncreator does have these bursts where he writes entire songs in one sitting .. haha I dont know how he does that. laugh.gif


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But still I want answers, what's the point, what does all this mean?
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Owen
post Feb 4 2008, 07:47 PM
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I have a totally different way as well tongue.gif - I take notes on various things I see in the world and eventually compile all my ideas into a set of lyrics.

Agree in getting the inspiration from films and music in general, the more ideas you expose yourself to - the better! smile.gif

Also - read things in your mind, put them to a melody, see if your lyrics flow easily when you read them through, if you get stuck then it can be good to fiddle with a particular phrase until it floooows biggrin.gif

Just experiment until you find something you like! cool.gif


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Don't Panic.
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Tuubsu
post Feb 5 2008, 12:01 AM
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QUOTE (The Uncreator @ Feb 4 2008, 02:47 AM) *
I dont know if my rambling has helped, but hopefully out of all of this, you found a little help smile.gif


Thankyou, it did help, I feel that your rambling unlocked the door to my mind, but I still have to push it open myself smile.gif and I will!

I also think that "the door was locked", because I used to think that "I'm just the guitarist, let the singer or what ever think of the lyrics." But now I realize that if I compose a song, play it with a band and someone else made the lyrics, it might not give out the message or feeling that I have intended.

So this helped a lot, thanks smile.gif


--------------------
Anyone can learn to play fast, like anyone can learn to type quickly. But not everyone can write a book.
- Yngwie J. Malmsteen


Idols:

Jason Becker (ex-Cacophony, ex-David Lee Roth, Solo)
Marty Friedman (ex-Cacophony, ex-Megadeth, Solo)
Niccolo Paganini (Solo)
Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen....Duh!)
Frederic Chopin (Solo)

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The Uncreator
post Feb 5 2008, 12:10 AM
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Glad to hear it smile.gif
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