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> Fountain Of Life(need Help), Includes little riff samples on gp
Tuubsu
post Mar 5 2008, 01:16 PM
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So, here's some lyrics for a song that I'm working on right now, it's called fountain of Life. The song is, I think deathmetal, I'm not sure because I've never really listened to any death metal. I've would like to have some help from more experienced lyricist, like The Uncreator wink.gif for example or anyone else, because I'm stuck right now, been for awhile now. smile.gif

The Idea of the song lyrics are as follows:
Now I'm not a religious man, in fact I'm an atheist, but I believe it's a part of every religion to live your life as god intended, so If you commit suicide, you don't go to heaven, and if it would be possible to make your life longer for example drinking from some fountain, you wouldn't go to heaven, am I right?

So, the story goes like this. Three OLD men go searching for a fountain of health but, their journey isn't easy as the climate and the grounds are brutal on their way.

So I was thinking FOR Example(not necessary final) the first verse could describe the climate of their trip(dark hard rains, hard winds etc.) and finally one of the men would collapse and realize that, he is too tired and too old to go on, he accepts hes destiny and dies and goes to heaven.

The second verse could describe the surroundings(thick forests, high hills etc.) and finally another man would realize that hes too weak and too old to carry on, accepts his destiny and dies and goes to heaven.

Third verse could have a completely different "feel" in it (kinda dark, wtf is going on) the last man would find the fountain maybe drink from it possibly die somehow and go to hell, for "trying to play god".

Chorus could somehow just describe the journey in general for example.

The rythm or... singing melody is pretty free actually, heres what I've got so far:

Fountain Of Health
---------------------

(Intro spoken)
Three men... Past their prime...
Set their journey towards
The fountain of life

(Chorus)


(1st verse)
Rains so dark,
Winds so fierce,

One man collapses
on his knees

(KInda prechorus)
Too tired to keep going
Too old to keep living
He lays on his back
and ascends...
to heaven

(Chorus)

(Guitar solo/melody)

(2nd verse)
Forests so thick,
Hills so high,

Another man falls
and finds his time

(Kinda prechorus)
Too weak to keep climbing,
Too Old to keep living,
He lays on his back
And ascends...
To heaven

(Chorus)

(Guitar solo)

(The feel change)

(3rd verse)
Last man standing
on the edge of forever



I know theres not a lot to it yet but, I've got the Idea I just can't get it working, I just suck! please help me... sad.gif
I you feel something would be better some other way, please tell me, these are not the final truths.

OH, and please do check this gp file also it has some of the riff ideas(I currently can't record).
It has the intro, possible 3rd verse and some riff I just came up with(I think it might just go to the dumpster though).
I really dig the 3rd verse riff, it's a shame how bad it sounds on gp, cos it sound A LOT better on the actual guitar, but you get the idea. I have came up with more riffs, including a cool riff with a lot of pinch harmonics, but these riffs I couldn't get sounding anywhere near decent with guitar pro so, you'll have to take my word for it. smile.gif
Attached File  Fountain_Of_Life.gp5 ( 7.47K ) Number of downloads: 116


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Anyone can learn to play fast, like anyone can learn to type quickly. But not everyone can write a book.
- Yngwie J. Malmsteen


Idols:

Jason Becker (ex-Cacophony, ex-David Lee Roth, Solo)
Marty Friedman (ex-Cacophony, ex-Megadeth, Solo)
Niccolo Paganini (Solo)
Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen....Duh!)
Frederic Chopin (Solo)

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The Uncreator
post Mar 5 2008, 03:34 PM
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QUOTE
So, here's some lyrics for a song that I'm working on right now, it's called fountain of Life. The song is, I think deathmetal, I'm not sure because I've never really listened to any death metal. I've would like to have some help from more experienced lyricist, like The Uncreator wink.gif for example or anyone else, because I'm stuck right now, been for awhile now. smile.gif

The Idea of the song lyrics are as follows:
Now I'm not a religious man, in fact I'm an atheist, but I believe it's a part of every religion to live your life as god intended, so If you commit suicide, you don't go to heaven, and if it would be possible to make your life longer for example drinking from some fountain, you wouldn't go to heaven, am I right?

So, the story goes like this. Three OLD men go searching for a fountain of health but, their journey isn't easy as the climate and the grounds are brutal on their way.

So I was thinking FOR Example(not necessary final) the first verse could describe the climate of their trip(dark hard rains, hard winds etc.) and finally one of the men would collapse and realize that, he is too tired and too old to go on, he accepts hes destiny and dies and goes to heaven.
I believe you should take more than one verse to describe the surroundings and so on, By picking a "set in stone" number of verses, you could be limiting yourself.

While you are describing there surroundings, dont forget to describe there condition.

You say here,

"Rains so dark,
Winds so fierce
One man collapses
On his knee's"

You should add some more to this idea, like describe there clothes and the ratty condition there in, Express the pain they feel, or there desire to reach this fountain. Maybe like

"Rains so dark,
Winds so fierce,
One man collapses
On his knees

Through hells fury
He'll push on
To reach the fountain
To become a god"

Or somethign like that, just some random words from my head.


The second verse could describe the surroundings(thick forests, high hills etc.) and finally another man would realize that hes too weak and too old to carry on, accepts his destiny and dies and goes to heaven.
Once again i think you should take more than one verse to do this, This story (i think atleast) requires a good amount of detail to cover, So when you describe there surroundings, dont limit it to just the natural appearance, uses metaphors to say something like how the tress appear to these sickly old men, maybe they forests road starts to appear as the path to heaven, there vision is clouded, maybe they hallucinate?

Just think, these are old men, past there prime, desperate to reach this fountain at any cost, the determination and the deteriorating state of there health could cause these men to question how they lived there past life and mayeb if there is a god at all, So write what they think, get inside there heads!


Third verse could have a completely different "feel" in it (kinda dark, wtf is going on) the last man would find the fountain maybe drink from it possibly die somehow and go to hell, for "trying to play god".
Ok i like this idea alot, Still (use more verses), but maybe thats just me. Anyway describe the feelings of the last man, i mean, he came with 2 friends, they have died, and only he remains, I would think there would be some sorrow and lonliness in this mansy voice or soul, try to include his emotions, and has he approaches the fountain, he must be in amazement, so describe the transition from sorrow, doubt, lonliness (im guessing his feelings) to the new ones upon the arrival

I know theres not a lot to it yet but, I've got the Idea I just can't get it working, I just suck! please help me... sad.gif
I you feel something would be better some other way, please tell me, these are not the final truths.
The first step to failure is doubting yourself, never say you suck, just realize that you can improve always, and strive to do so!


Hope this helped some, I will add more when i get home from school.

This post has been edited by The Uncreator: Mar 5 2008, 03:35 PM
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Tuubsu
post Mar 5 2008, 03:49 PM
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QUOTE (The Uncreator @ Mar 5 2008, 04:34 PM) *
Hope this helped some, I will add more when i get home from school.


Great, man, great! This is excatly the kind of help I wanted, I thank you. smile.gif

Question though...
I'm not that clear what verse truly means, I always think it's ALL the parts between the choruses for example.
OR do you mean a verse like:

xxxxx 1 verse
xxxxx
xxxxx

xxxxx2verse
xxxxx
xxxxx
xxxxx

Chorus(In example)? huh.gif

Please do tell me what do like of the idea in general?

Anyway, this help of yours got me thinking, thanks again. smile.gif




--------------------
Anyone can learn to play fast, like anyone can learn to type quickly. But not everyone can write a book.
- Yngwie J. Malmsteen


Idols:

Jason Becker (ex-Cacophony, ex-David Lee Roth, Solo)
Marty Friedman (ex-Cacophony, ex-Megadeth, Solo)
Niccolo Paganini (Solo)
Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen....Duh!)
Frederic Chopin (Solo)

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OrganisedConfusi...
post Mar 5 2008, 03:55 PM
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Good start man. Personally when I'm doing this sort of music I will write a short story and plot out the whole thing and describe what happens on the road to the fountain and describe the hell they go through and maybe the good times. I will then condense this story into song form to fit the music I create.


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kaznie_NL
post Mar 5 2008, 04:16 PM
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QUOTE (OrganisedConfusion @ Mar 5 2008, 03:55 PM) *
Good start man. Personally when I'm doing this sort of music I will write a short story and plot out the whole thing and describe what happens on the road to the fountain and describe the hell they go through and maybe the good times. I will then condense this story into song form to fit the music I create.



+1 on this. I think it's a good way of sticking to your story. In this way you can realy concentrate on the lyrics sound, and not on the story plot, because you already wrote it!

hmmm.. A chorus is prety hard...
The tree of life just leads to hell
It get's us no where, just stay in your shell
???

Sorry just gave it a shot, but there's no sense in that wink.gif



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Angelica
post Mar 6 2008, 12:09 AM
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Three men in a cloudy day
Went in some place where they used to say
There was a water that was so clever
That who would drink it would live forever.

Perhaps now you’re asking me why,
the answer ise they were afraid to die.
They were old, fear was in them like a knife
That’s why they went to the fountain of life.

During the trip they discussed a lot
If that was the right decision or not,
they had heard say that Jesus decides
for that fountain drinkers there’s no paradise.

Cause there's no power for men of decision
about the moment of their last vision,
nor for loosing their life with suicide,
nor for challenging death with pride.

But anyway they decided to go,
in front of death they could just say no,
until the moment they’d finally seen
the magic water flowing so clean.

But in that moment it began to rain,
the sky was full of rage and pain,
thunder and lightening, and wind so strong
and so hard for them to get where they belonged.

.....

it has been deleted for an error TWICE WHILE I WAS TYPING IT.... ANYWAY...HAS TO BE FINISHED... END COMING SOON

ahahha
the "hip hop mistress" biggrin.gif

This post has been edited by Angelica: Mar 6 2008, 12:11 AM


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Tuubsu
post Mar 6 2008, 12:35 AM
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Oh, Angelica dearest laugh.gif

I'm not much of an rapper but, Maybe you wanna do a hip hop version collab of this song with me? laugh.gif
Or maybe a funky version with Ahahha's funky lead singing?

Totally unrelated but, if we would form a funk duo, it would be call Funkzilla & Funkarella.
Our hit album would be "GOD DAMN" That's Funky!"
many hit songs such as "Get the Funk outta here!", "I'll Funk you all night long" and our own versions of legendary rock songs such as creams - shunshine of your love = "May the Funk shine on your love" and led zeppelins "Stairway to Funkytown" and "Funkbreaker". So what do you think?........ I'm sorry I'm getting tired...I should really go to sleep...



Actually that very last part gave me ideas, thanks! smile.gif

This post has been edited by Tuubsu: Mar 6 2008, 12:47 AM


--------------------
Anyone can learn to play fast, like anyone can learn to type quickly. But not everyone can write a book.
- Yngwie J. Malmsteen


Idols:

Jason Becker (ex-Cacophony, ex-David Lee Roth, Solo)
Marty Friedman (ex-Cacophony, ex-Megadeth, Solo)
Niccolo Paganini (Solo)
Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen....Duh!)
Frederic Chopin (Solo)

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Angelica
post Mar 6 2008, 09:54 AM
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ahahahahahahah
Actually I don't listen to hip hop biggrin.gif


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nevoriot
post Mar 6 2008, 12:25 PM
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QUOTE
The Idea of the song lyrics are as follows:
Now I'm not a religious man, in fact I'm an atheist, but I believe it's a part of every religion to live your life as god intended, so If you commit suicide, you don't go to heaven, and if it would be possible to make your life longer for example drinking from some fountain, you wouldn't go to heaven, am I right?


I think you've hit on an interesting premise for a story/song. Here are some things that I would think about when writing it:

As an atheist, what are you trying to say with this song? For me, I think the most important aspect of the Fountain of Youth tale, is that its characters become obsessed with the search, thus wasting the very lives they're trying to prolong in a classic, bitter irony. This is of course not the only angle to approach this story from though.

You mentioned heaven and hell. Perhaps heaven comes to the person that savours every precious moment of life they have, and hell comes to the glutton that always wants more? In most religions, yes, if you commit suicide you are denied entry into heaven, but in the end you still have to die to get there. By drinking from the Fountain of Youth then, you can never ascend to heaven and are destined to live through your own personal hell on Earth for all eternity.

How is your main character distinguished from the two that perish before him? From your description, it seems that they were simply weaker than our tragic hero, and just couldn't reach the fountain. The hero drinks from the fountain and goes to hell, his two companions die trying to reach the fountain and go to heaven. This makes a strong statement regarding intention and action--it says that what a person does weighs more heavily than what they intended to do. This isn't right or wrong, it's simply something for you to consider.

When setting the scene, don't be afraid to use real historical and geographical references. The most famous Fountain of Youth story is that of Juan Ponce de León, searching for this mystical fountain (he heard about it from natives in Puerto Rico, where he was the first Governor) in what is now Florida, early in the 16th century. The reference can be subtle sometimes ("they followed in the steps of Ponce de León"), but can still have a strong impact. It also saves you from having to be so literal all the time. Also, 16th century Florida was all swamps and alligators (not too different from the present I suppose), perfect for inspiring dark imagery--hook up the fog machine and you're all set!

I'm starting to think that this post is going to be more annoying than helpful.

I'll mention one last thing that comes to mind whenever I hear Fountain of Youth though, and that is, the search for the "modern fountain of youth", (usually) captured perfectly by the image of a woman that's never happy with her appearance (is society to blame? probably), trying all sorts of potions and lotions and botox and collagen injections and plastic surgery and implants,... all very superficial and easy to make fun of. I'm not mentioning this to change the direction of your story/song, but it's always fun to make parallels and more subtle references; no need to be afraid of rhyming "fountain of life" with "plastic wife" after all. ;-)

Oh, and if Funkzilla & Funkarella ever do a version of the song, I think it should be called "Ponce de León, Funky in the Retirement Home".

Good luck with the song writing. I hope we get to hear it when you're done.

M

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Angelica
post Mar 6 2008, 12:34 PM
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QUOTE (nevoriot @ Mar 6 2008, 12:25 PM) *
I'll mention one last thing that comes to mind whenever I hear Fountain of Youth though, and that is, the search for the "modern fountain of youth", (usually) captured perfectly by the image of a woman that's never happy with her appearance (is society to blame? probably), trying all sorts of potions and lotions and botox and collagen injections and plastic surgery and implants,... all very superficial and easy to make fun of. I'm not mentioning this to change the direction of your story/song, but it's always fun to make parallels and more subtle references; no need to be afraid of rhyming "fountain of life" with "plastic wife" after all. ;-)


Good intuition indeed wink.gif Very very topical biggrin.gif


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Tuubsu
post Mar 6 2008, 01:42 PM
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Okay nevoriot... sounds like good tips. The heaven and hell reference I thought it like this, the first two guys kinda "give up" and realize that it's not up to them... it's up to god, how long they live and the third man doesn't give but, kinda defyes god.
I wanna make it sound epic, since I am a fan of the uncreators works.

Okay at this point I would say, thanks to all! I think, you give me about a week or so and I will Upload a lot more evolved lyrics. smile.gif





And Angelica, I understand you... I wish hip hop would dissappear from the face of the earth... but thats just my opinion tongue.gif


Edit. talking about different versions. While making melodies and solos to this song, I came up with alot of melodies and lick, wich were kinda neoclassical(which is my main entree) but had too different feel to add to this song, yet those melodies and licks still told me "Fountain of health". So maybe there will be an instrumental version some time.

This post has been edited by Tuubsu: Mar 6 2008, 01:52 PM


--------------------
Anyone can learn to play fast, like anyone can learn to type quickly. But not everyone can write a book.
- Yngwie J. Malmsteen


Idols:

Jason Becker (ex-Cacophony, ex-David Lee Roth, Solo)
Marty Friedman (ex-Cacophony, ex-Megadeth, Solo)
Niccolo Paganini (Solo)
Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen....Duh!)
Frederic Chopin (Solo)

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Tuubsu
post Mar 12 2008, 01:01 AM
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DAMN!!! I just can't figure out even a single whole verse! You guys give good tips, but maybe I should just stick with instrumentals... I try and I try but for nothing comes out... dry.gif


--------------------
Anyone can learn to play fast, like anyone can learn to type quickly. But not everyone can write a book.
- Yngwie J. Malmsteen


Idols:

Jason Becker (ex-Cacophony, ex-David Lee Roth, Solo)
Marty Friedman (ex-Cacophony, ex-Megadeth, Solo)
Niccolo Paganini (Solo)
Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen....Duh!)
Frederic Chopin (Solo)

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