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> The Horror Show
Stevie-Ray-Vaugh...
post May 1 2008, 02:35 AM
Post #1


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The Horror Show
A winding path, greens overgrown
As I make my way to the top
A door stares me down, it's rusted majesty
It begs me to enter it's realm

The chairs in this place, electrified
Awaiting the seat of man
This funhouse of a darkened life
A twisted wonder, all of it's own

Breathing, inexistant
The air has turned to smoke
My eyes are harmed, but my mind is not
Someone is playing God

These ragged curtains open
But no stage is revealed
The actors neither sit nor stand
Simply floating in mid-air

He raises his crippling hand
As if the world were under his control
The ground, like a fissure, opens
The tombs reveal themselves

The rotting walls grow closer
Becoming tighter with every breath
They come crashing down upon me
But, alas, I still await death

A figure creeps towards me
A phantom of the night
Body cloaked, face withdrawn
I pray he spares my life

But with one swift strike of a hand
My world leaks out in crimson red
It's now my turn to join them
Neither the living nor the dead


© Ryley Gartshore
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Inspired by the cover of an Iced Earth album, I decided to take my first attempt at some non-rhyming (for the most part) lyrics. As it is my first try, I would like as much critisicm as possible smile.gif Everything you can think of, please crit smile.gif

The song is basically just about a twisted funhouse
Enjoy! biggrin.gif

This post has been edited by Stevie·Ray·Vaughn: May 1 2008, 02:35 AM


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But still I want answers, what's the point, what does all this mean?
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Eat-Sleep-andJam
post May 1 2008, 02:41 AM
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Oh Boy biggrin.gif That was REALLY GOOD biggrin.gif


QUOTE
Breathing, inexistant
The air has turned to smoke
My eyes are harmed, but my mind is not
Someone is playing God


I really liked that verse. Someone is playing god. Very Creative smile.gif

And I like how you didnt really rhyme the whole time, until the last verse. It gave it so much more power, Well done. The only criticism I can give, if any, is dont use to many big words, your making me feel stupid laugh.gif

Awesome !


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...And live for it"
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The Uncreator
post May 1 2008, 02:46 AM
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A winding path, greens overgrown
As I make my way to the top
A door stares me down, it's rusted majesty
It begs me to enter it's realm

Good opening, gives the impression of a place left largely alone, and not kept up appearance wise

The chairs in this place, electrified
Awaiting the seat of man
This fun house of a darkened life
A twisted wonder, all of it's own

Another good verse, Simple and yet the darkness is clearly conveyed

Breathing, inexistant
The air has turned to smoke
My eyes are harmed, but my mind is not
Someone is playing God

Good again, But i would change this so that "My eyes are harmed, But my mind is not" as two seperate line, so it would be something like this:

Breathing, inexistant
The air has turned to smoke
My eyes are harmed
but my mind is not

Someone is playing God


These ragged curtains open
But no stage is revealed
The actors neither sit nor stand
Simply floating in mid-air

He raises his crippling hand
As if the world were under his control
The ground, like a fissure, opens
The tombs reveal themselves

these next 2 verses are very well done, "The ground, Like a fissure" is a great metaphor, and is done very well

The rotting walls grow closer
Becoming tighter with every breath
They come crashing down upon me
But, alas, I still await death

A figure creeps towards me
A phantom of the night
Body cloaked, face withdrawn
I pray he spares my life

But with one swift strike of a hand
My world leaks out in crimson red
It's now my turn to join them
Neither the living nor the dead

These concluding verses are great, "Now its my turn to join them, Neither the living nor the dead" is a PERFECT ending for this song


_ _ _ _ _ _


Very Well Done, I hoped I gave enough info like you asked smile.gif
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Stevie-Ray-Vaugh...
post May 1 2008, 02:49 AM
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Thank you bery much ESJ! biggrin.gif I will try and not use big words next time laugh.gif

And thank you so much Uncreator, for taking the time to do that smile.gif

Thanks guys biggrin.gif


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But still I want answers, what's the point, what does all this mean?
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Hisham Al-Sanea
post May 1 2008, 10:06 PM
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nice horror lyrics mate


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