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> The Song Of Sin
showyourfist
post Dec 30 2008, 02:59 AM
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A rather personal song, more of a poem type thingy really, hope you enjoy!

All I've done is wrong
When all I wanted to do was right
Good intentions unfulfilled
Eventually I lost this fight
Prone to disaster
Confusion made me blind
Influenced by iniquity
Low enough too lose my mind

Company first found me
Another friend of the seven
Together we went into partnership
Together nearly sent to heaven
Hell became reality
Naivety my constant tumour
My eyes did not betray me
The sin of lust doomed her

My morals wore thin
Until a she-demon embraced me
Whispered sweet lies
Then tried too break me
The misdeed of guilt
Her secret weapon
Blackmail stole upon me
I was branded with the seven

Dignity no longer my friend
Gluttony came freely
Sloth always loves depression
Envy's just too easy
Wrath I held too desperatly
So much so it became greed
The only option left is pride
The final sin, my final misdeed.


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I've had three wives and three guitars. I still play the guitars-Andres Segovia
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Eat-Sleep-andJam
post Dec 30 2008, 03:34 PM
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Very Nice.

Easily your best so far.

QUOTE
Company first found me
Another friend of the seven
Together we went into partnership
Together nearly sent to heaven


I think I would like this part better if it was just" Nearly sent to heaven" for line 4.



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...And live for it"
-The Uncreator
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The Uncreator
post Dec 30 2008, 04:42 PM
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QUOTE (showyourfist @ Dec 29 2008, 05:59 PM) *
Company first found me
Another friend of the seven
Together we went into partnership
Together nearly sent to heaven
Hell became reality
Naivety my constant tumour
My eyes did not betray me
The sin of lust did doomed her


Very good, The only thing I would suggest is adding an extra syllable in the last line here (for example, the word 'did', or 'just' etc.) and change doomed to doom.

It would flow better I think smile.gif
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showyourfist
post Dec 30 2008, 05:00 PM
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Thanks for the suggestions! I had trouble with flowing again, still need a fair bit of practice.

Thankyou so much for neatening it up though was hoping for that!!!


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I've had three wives and three guitars. I still play the guitars-Andres Segovia
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The Uncreator
post Dec 30 2008, 06:28 PM
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Just keep up the good work, This has actually given me some ideas for a song im working on with a similar title called "A song for the sinner" smile.gif

So the inspiration once again keeps on flowing, which is what counts.
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