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> Marionette
The Uncreator
post Jan 3 2009, 02:55 AM
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_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Marionette
_ _ _ _ _ _ _

There is a place hidden in deep in the shadows
Where all your sins are kept in check
Where your free to indulge
A place called The Marionette


Dolls so lifelike and beautifully real
Perform there spastic, twisted dance
Limbs twitch with a devilish beat
Face forever tightened in a blank stare

Invisbile strings pull in all directions
As they make there across the stage
The sound of bone smashing against the floor
Makes me nervous but wanting more

Dance for me, Marionette
Let me see your appendages bend
Dance for me, Marionette
Let me see your beautiful twitch

I sat down in that velvet chair and watched
The dolls perform there dance of death
Indulge myself as deeply as I can
In the softness of there flesh

My heart suddenly skips a few beats
As she falls into a feverish spasm
My heart suddenly stops to beat
As I see a tear ride down her cheek

Dance for me, Marionette
Let me see your appendages bend
Dance for me, Marionette
Let me see your beautiful twitch
Dance for me, Marionette
Let me see your exotic seizure
Dance for me, Marionette
Bend, twitch, gasp and cry

Dance
Dance for me doll
Dance for me
Let
Me see you dance
Let me see
You
Twist and twitch
Shake and fall
Gasp for air
Cry in pain

SOLO

There is a place hidden deep in the shadows
Where your sins are kept in check
Dolls twitching, twisting to satisfy you
"Dolls" so lifelike and beautifully real




© Brett Windnagle, 2008
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ok, so this kinda creepy and slightly disturbing one is about a bar, or club or something of the sorts, Hidden deep in a city. Well in this bar they have these lifelike dolls that do a weird dance, full of unnatural twists, bends, and painful acts that would make a normal person cry in pain. One man goes down to sit and watch this "dance", And one of the dolls falls of its strings and begins to slip into a seizure of some sorts on his table, And as he watches it, He sees a tear go down the "dolls" eyes....And he begins he thinks there just a little too real.
Reason for edit: added verse
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sigma7
post Jan 3 2009, 03:04 AM
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thats actually pretty cool i like it A LOT


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The Uncreator
post Jan 3 2009, 03:06 AM
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Thanks man, Im glad you like it.

Much appreciated smile.gif
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Canis
post Jan 3 2009, 03:10 AM
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Kinda mind-freaky... I like it biggrin.gif

For some reason, I hear a slow, deep, bass voice singing it in my head


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sigma7
post Jan 3 2009, 03:18 AM
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reminds me of that movie dead silence http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0455760/


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Rated Htr
post Jan 3 2009, 03:30 AM
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[quote name='The Uncreator' date='Jan 3 2009, 01:55 AM' post='312650']
_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Marionette
_ _ _ _ _ _ _

There is a place hidden in deep in the shadows
Where all your sins are kept in check
Where your free to indulge
A place called The Marionette

Have to say, I think your idea of making a description of a place like that brilliant, like making your own world in words. Love the mistery behind this one

Dolls so lifelike and beautifully real
Perform there spastic, twisted dance
Limbs twitch with a devilish beat
Face forever tightened in a blank stare

Although I like the choice of words alot and your adjectivation, I get a bit lost in finding the relationship between this part and the first one, like are you making a description of a marionette like what it is and forgot it is a place or it's a place as in a description of that object itself? Hope you get what I mean smile.gif

Dance for me, Marionette
Let me see your appendages bend
Dance for me, Marionette
Let me see your beautiful twitch

Now, I find a relationship, about how you love the place that is the marionette

I sat down in that velvet chair and watched
The dolls perform there dance of death
Indulge myself as deeply as I can
In the softness of there flesh

Again, the idea that you love gazing at it reflects on this part, almost as you're being entertained by all of it

My heart suddenly skips a few beats
As she falls into a feverish spasm
My heart suddenly stops to beat
As I see a tear ride down her cheek

Now, you're showing how your emotions swing between what happens, a perfect description of the sight you're seeing.

Dance for me, Marionette
Let me see your appendages bend
Dance for me, Marionette
Let me see your beautiful twitch
Dance for me, Marionette
Let me see your exotic seizure
Dance for me, Marionette
Bend, twitch, gasp and cry

SOLO

There is a place hidden deep in the shadows
Where your sins are kept in check
Dolls twitching, twisting to satisfy you
"Dolls" so lifelike and beautifully real

I made my own interpreation of the poem and used it to analise it, for me, I just find difficulties in understanding what you mean by the place called the marionette, maybe you're reffering to "the stage" where you saw the bunch of feeling changes.

Anyways, your lyrics make me think and I love them for that, expect moer analisations from me smile.gif

And thanks on reviewing mine aswell

Cheers
Filipe



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Eat-Sleep-andJam
post Jan 3 2009, 05:28 AM
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QUOTE
Let me see your exotic seizure
Dance for me, Marionette
Bend, twitch, gasp and cry


QUOTE
Indulge myself as deeply as I can
In the softness of there flesh



wub.gif

Just some parts I loved ^
You now have a fan.
Im sick of acting like im not blown-away by your work cool.gif

Thumbs Up ! biggrin.gif

@ sigma- Reminds me alot of that movie aswell. Even though this is a much different and creative approach


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The Uncreator
post Jan 3 2009, 03:20 PM
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QUOTE (Rated Htr @ Jan 2 2009, 06:30 PM) *
QUOTE (The Uncreator @ Jan 3 2009, 01:55 AM) *

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Marionette
_ _ _ _ _ _ _

There is a place hidden in deep in the shadows
Where all your sins are kept in check
Where your free to indulge
A place called The Marionette

Have to say, I think your idea of making a description of a place like that brilliant, like making your own world in words. Love the mistery behind this one

Dolls so lifelike and beautifully real
Perform there spastic, twisted dance
Limbs twitch with a devilish beat
Face forever tightened in a blank stare

Although I like the choice of words alot and your adjectivation, I get a bit lost in finding the relationship between this part and the first one, like are you making a description of a marionette like what it is and forgot it is a place or it's a place as in a description of that object itself? Hope you get what I mean smile.gif

Dance for me, Marionette
Let me see your appendages bend
Dance for me, Marionette
Let me see your beautiful twitch

Now, I find a relationship, about how you love the place that is the marionette

I sat down in that velvet chair and watched
The dolls perform there dance of death
Indulge myself as deeply as I can
In the softness of there flesh

Again, the idea that you love gazing at it reflects on this part, almost as you're being entertained by all of it

My heart suddenly skips a few beats
As she falls into a feverish spasm
My heart suddenly stops to beat
As I see a tear ride down her cheek

Now, you're showing how your emotions swing between what happens, a perfect description of the sight you're seeing.

Dance for me, Marionette
Let me see your appendages bend
Dance for me, Marionette
Let me see your beautiful twitch
Dance for me, Marionette
Let me see your exotic seizure
Dance for me, Marionette
Bend, twitch, gasp and cry

SOLO

There is a place hidden deep in the shadows
Where your sins are kept in check
Dolls twitching, twisting to satisfy you
"Dolls" so lifelike and beautifully real

I made my own interpreation of the poem and used it to analise it, for me, I just find difficulties in understanding what you mean by the place called the marionette, maybe you're reffering to "the stage" where you saw the bunch of feeling changes.

Anyways, your lyrics make me think and I love them for that, expect moer analisations from me smile.gif

And thanks on reviewing mine aswell

Cheers
Filipe




Well, the place is called "The Marionette", But I refer to the dolls as Marionette's as well. This certain "entertainment venue" is called The Marionette for the performance its dolls put on. I tried to work in some lines that told you that they had strings attached to them, But I didn't come up with anything I liked, I'll probably go back and add it eventually.

Thanks for the crit, Much appreciated smile.gif
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The Uncreator
post Jan 3 2009, 04:55 PM
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I added a verse to the beginning now, and made the opening one somewhat of a spoken intro smile.gif

Let me know what ya think
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Eat-Sleep-andJam
post Jan 3 2009, 05:59 PM
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I figured that the intro was meant or intended to be spoken.

Either way, I think it still is powerful.

QUOTE
Invisbile strings pull in all directions
As they make there across the stage
The sound of bone smashing against the floor
Makes me nervous but wanting more


Ah! laugh.gif That was really brutal ! I didnt even think about who exactly was controlling these dolls.
This is a great verse. However, half the fun about this Lyric is the whole mystery behind the dolls, and the place called Marionette. So adding this verse is ok, but I would restrain from adding too much detail just in this case.
Otherwise your not really letting the reader have anything to
"Play With" in their head.

Still, good revisions cool.gif

This post has been edited by Eat-Sleep-andJam: Jan 3 2009, 06:00 PM


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The Uncreator
post Jan 3 2009, 06:21 PM
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Yeah I know, I added one more part yet again before the solo, I wanted to add somethign about string. But I wont ever hit at who or what is manupulating the strings.

PS

Should have the music for it up later today wink.gif
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Eat-Sleep-andJam
post Jan 3 2009, 06:40 PM
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QUOTE (The Uncreator @ Jan 3 2009, 09:21 AM) *
Yeah I know, I added one more part yet again before the solo, I wanted to add somethign about string. But I wont ever hit at who or what is manupulating the strings.

PS

Should have the music for it up later today wink.gif


Im assuming it will be in Uploads. I'll check it out wink.gif


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berko
post Jan 3 2009, 06:59 PM
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Great song, I really like it.

Not analyzing it from line to line my overall impression is that the levels of ambivalence are really catchy. What I mean by that is: 1. level - living creatures (women) compared to dolls (and already substituted with them in the imagery of the poem) 2. level - the whole scene beautiful and erotic but also sad and tragic. Now this is fairly simple so far but you've managed to "tell" this double-oppositeness with appropriate words used at appropriate places (I'm thinking of examples like: "beautiful twitch". This particular example implies how the persona is already a prisoner of what he sees (as well as the dolls though in a different way) but it also reflects on how tragically artificial this dance of the marionettes is and how the beauty is ruined in the same moment (and another issue is that the persona telling the story is part of the "evil" simply by being enchanted by the dolls begging them to dance even more). Etc Etc.

Other than that the first spoken verse resembles some Iron Maiden songs from Number Of The Beast (especially 22, Acacia Avenue with the whole theme similar).

Anyway, great job cool.gif


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