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> Beauty Ate The Beast
Eat-Sleep-andJam
post Jan 9 2009, 05:10 AM
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c4c


Words full of lightning
Every bolt,
A life is saved.
Flesh full of razors,
Cause thats just how it was made.
Threatened only by itself,
Breeding in the shadows of its mind.
With every word, comes a consquence,
Evert sentence, Every Line.

Sculpted by the past,
A figment of life and death.
Seeking the refuge of the holy one,
To change whatever its become.
A creature.
That dwells in the swamps of its own mind.
Nothings left out there,
Because its all just left behind.

Alone until now,
Found only by the truth.
Of a self-sufficient dummy.
A symbol of our youth.
Puzzled as we watch,
As it rips, and rips.
The blood drips from its mouth,
On to my fingertips.

Let it be known,
That this creature doesnt stand alone.
I once fought for such impure things.
Prayed every night,
That death would find me.
Lost in the creature.
The forgotten one.
The beast of the earth,
An unborn son.

When it finally told me to " Leave it Alone."
I decided it was my turn.
To rip the flesh from bone.
The creature that I have watched.

This creature that I've admired.



A creature I've become.


© John Minoia 2008




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The Uncreator
post Jan 11 2009, 12:02 AM
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QUOTE (Eat-Sleep-andJam @ Jan 8 2009, 08:10 PM) *
c4c


Words full of lightning
Every bolt,
A life is saved.
Flesh full of razors,
Cause thats just how it was made.
Threatened only by itself,
Breeding in the shadows of its mind.
With every word, comes a consquence,
Evert sentence, Every Line.
I really, really like this verse. The metaphors are great, especially the last 2 lines, Provides great imagery.


Sculpted by the past,
A figment of life and death.
Seeking the refuge of the holy one,
To change whatever its become.
A creature.
That dwells in the swamps of its own mind.
Nothings left out there,
Because its all just left behind.
Another good verse as well, The short line "A creature" gives off a sense of evil. Most lines of this stanza are full sentences, then the sudden 5th line with two just words, a creature, adds a cool effect


Alone until now,
Found only by the truth.
Of a self-sufficient dummy.
A symbol of our youth.
Puzzled as we watch,
As it rips, and rips.
The blood drips from its mouth,
On to my fingertips.
Hate to say it, But this verse lacks the strength of the previous two. The choice of words doesn't seem to fit the straightforward nature of the other verses. Lines 6 and 7 seems almost struggling to come out, Maybe a few changes here and there would spice it up a bit. Like in Line 6, Instead of using rips twice, you could another verb in place of it, Like tears, sheers, or strips?


Let it be known,
That this creature doesnt stand alone.
I once fought for such impure things.
Prayed every night,
That death would find me.
Lost in the creature.
The forgotten one.
The beast of the earth,
An unborn son.

When it finally told me to " Leave it Alone."
I decided it was my turn.
To rip the flesh from bone.
The creature that I have watched.

This creature that I've admired.



A creature I've become.

Decent ending for the song, Especially when you start to relate yourself to the beast and eventually become the beast at the end. I love the theme of becoming something you hated, loved, or just watched. Those themes intrigue me. Some of the verses need a bit of work to strenghten them though


© John Minoia 2008
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sigma7
post Jan 11 2009, 12:17 AM
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all of it is very interesting and captivating, also very clever title


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Rated Htr
post Jan 11 2009, 02:04 AM
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I would do a usual avaluation of each part but The Uncreator already says what I think the most...It's incredible that you're following a rather simmilar pattern to me, the consequences of your latest poems makes me think that way. The fact that all hope was destroyed dued to an incident, makes you feel like a beast just gazing at the past without knowing what to do and trying to escape the pain...


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Eat-Sleep-andJam
post Jan 12 2009, 03:26 AM
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I know this dies a little in the middle.
I wrote it a little differently.
I tried to venture away from what Ive been feeling and try to use some verses I had in mind.
I might edit this, but I think im just going to write something better.

Rated, it amazes me how you pick up on my feelings in every song.
Kudos to you smile.gif




* Im a little backed up on Crits. I will have them done by this week.*





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"Find something worth dying for...



...And live for it"
-The Uncreator
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