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> Shadows Of The Horizon, Chapter 1: Heartless Eyes of Senses
Rated Htr
post Jan 9 2009, 06:27 AM
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Shadows of the Horizon
Chapter 1: Heartless Eyes of Senses


There he stands…
The haunted figure of the shadow colossal
The disturbed look upon the sweetness of mankind
The aching scars of uttered pain
Remember, the mark of the fallen swan you overpowered

Jealousy
The taker of profound belongings
The creator of sinful and dark rage
Lingering as a lost soul inside a poisoned mind
Forever, shall I wish the sculptures you embrace
Buried as the abyss that longs for the wakening

Hatred
The unique keeper of the true angels of the world
Deprived of love and warmness of the heart
The follower of reason and objectivity
King of all living creatures, inside of all
Living forever as the one that will avenge
The mermaids trapped in the cruel oceans

Heartless
He who never had a heart can never have a soul
Only the empty room that surrounds him with nothing
Trapped in the closet, seeking the light for his brother
And the darkness for all the rest
Imposing the Glory of others as his own work
And nothing else is just…
Only lust of foolish puppeteers

Forever Shall I wish that death joins me
As the power in my hands to take what you love the most



COPYRIGHTS:
FILIPE ROCHA @2009


This marks the first chapter of a very complex story of feeling which I'm starting to write. It might not make any sense to people because it explains the feelings of two characters: Myself and my alter ego. Also the relationship is far to complex to explain so, just feel free to make your own judgements smile.gif


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Eat-Sleep-andJam
post Jan 12 2009, 01:09 PM
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Just want to stop in and say that there are some really great things in this, I will nit-pick it a little later.
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The Uncreator
post Jan 12 2009, 10:53 PM
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QUOTE (Rated Htr @ Jan 8 2009, 09:27 PM) *
Shadows of the Horizon
Chapter 1: Heartless Eyes of Senses


There he stands…
The haunted figure of the shadow colossal
The disturbed look upon the sweetness of mankind
The aching scars of uttered pain
Remember, the mark of the fallen swan you overpowered
Really reminds of the game shadow of the collosus, just because of those 2 words laugh.gif . Aside from that, this is a great intro, I love the line "Remember, the mar of the fallen swan you overpowered". Millions of way to interpret that kind of line, I love it.

Jealousy
The taker of profound belongings
The creator of sinful and dark rage
Lingering as a lost soul inside a poisoned mind
Forever, shall I wish the sculptures you embrace
Buried as the abyss that longs for the wakening

Hatred
The unique keeper of the true angels of the world
Deprived of love and warmness of the heart
The follower of reason and objectivity
King of all living creatures, inside of all
Living forever as the one that will avenge
The mermaids trapped in the cruel oceans
"Hatred, The unique keeper of the true angels of the world". Another great line that can be seen in so many different ways, The uses of the mermaids trapped in the cruel oceans is another great one as well. This song is just full of great metaphors

Heartless
He who never had a heart can never have a soul
Only the empty room that surrounds him with nothing
Trapped in the closet, seeking the light for his brother
And the darkness for all the rest
Imposing the Glory of others as his own work
And nothing else is just…
Only lust of foolish puppeteers

Forever Shall I wish that death joins me
As the power in my hands to take what you love the most



COPYRIGHTS:
FILIPE ROCHA @2009


This marks the first chapter of a very complex story of feeling which I'm starting to write. It might not make any sense to people because it explains the feelings of two characters: Myself and my alter ego. Also the relationship is far to complex to explain so, just feel free to make your own judgements smile.gif



All in all, I love this piece, I think its your best so far easily. Sorry I missed it before, I thought I had commented on this. But anyway, I love how you have "Hatred, Jealousy, Heartless" before the verses. Gives it a storyteller quality that I really like.

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Eat-Sleep-andJam
post Jan 12 2009, 11:46 PM
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QUOTE (Rated Htr @ Jan 8 2009, 09:27 PM) *
Shadows of the Horizon
Chapter 1: Heartless Eyes of Senses



There he stands…
The haunted figure of the shadow colossal
The disturbed look upon the sweetness of mankind
The aching scars of uttered pain
Remember, the mark of the fallen swan you overpowered
I like the first line. Its so simple, but it leads greatly into the rest of the verse. It makes me feel like its the only man left on earth, or at least your the only person that understands who you are. Nice.

Jealousy
The taker of profound belongings
The creator of sinful and dark rage
Lingering as a lost soul inside a poisoned mind
Forever, shall I wish the sculptures you embrace
Buried as the abyss that longs for the wakening
I wish the second line was " The creator of dark and sinful rage." Has a better flow Imo

Hatred
The unique keeper of the true angels of the world
Deprived of love and warmness of the heart
The follower of reason and objectivity
King of all living creatures, inside of all
Living forever as the one that will avenge
The mermaids trapped in the cruel oceans
I like the second line. Angels fascinate me in general. However. I dont like the 4th line. I dont think there needs to be Inside of all, and even if you want it in there. The repeated "All", breaks the flow. You redeemed yourself a little bit with the last Mermaid Metaphor. Which was clever. Noone ever really thinks about Mermaids being prisoners, but they are slaves to the ocean.

Heartless
He who never had a heart can never have a soul
Only the empty room that surrounds him with nothing
Trapped in the closet, seeking the light for his brother
And the darkness for all the rest
Imposing the Glory of others as his own work
And nothing else is just…
Only lust of foolish puppeteers
I would take on " [i]is just
" in line 7, despite that, this was a great verse.
Forever Shall I wish that death joins me
As the power in my hands to take what you love the most

[/i]


COPYRIGHTS:
FILIPE ROCHA @2009


This marks the first chapter of a very complex story of feeling which I'm starting to write. It might not make any sense to people because it explains the feelings of two characters: Myself and my alter ego. Also the relationship is far to complex to explain so, just feel free to make your own judgements smile.gif



This was cool. I think its your best, but I think it can be even better if you really really focus and make sure there isnt any unintentional breaks in the flow, but this was good smile.gif

This post has been edited by Eat-Sleep-andJam: Jan 12 2009, 11:47 PM


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"Find something worth dying for...



...And live for it"
-The Uncreator
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