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> Down Goes That Wall. Up Goes The Rope.
Eat-Sleep-andJam
post Jan 13 2009, 12:27 AM
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c4c


Used faces laying on the floor,
The different ones that she once wore.
A happy face sits in the trash,
Dissappointment got the best of her.
And now its only make believe,
To think her depression will ever leave.

So many outfits,
So many lies.
Hiding herself,
From unseen eyes.
Peering down from the clouds above,
She finds anger, but shes after love.

Looking up,
Down goes her wall.
I broke right through,
To find her hanging from the ceiling.
I cant grip anything,
I have no feelings.



" I'll right your name in my suicide letter."
Were your last words to me.
So many people I should tell.
But theres noone I want to see.
but,

You. Alive.
And loving life.
But you didnt.
You F****** DIDNT !

I can now feel your pain.
With a heart no longer beating,
As I look at the wall,
And see you hang from that ceiling.





(To Be Continued.....? Maybe..... )

© John Minoia 2009

This post has been edited by The Uncreator: Jan 13 2009, 04:59 PM


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The Uncreator
post Jan 13 2009, 05:04 PM
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QUOTE (Eat-Sleep-andJam @ Jan 12 2009, 03:27 PM) *
c4c


Used faces laying on the floor,
The different ones that she once wore.
A happy face sits in the trash,
Dissappointment got the best of her.
And now its only make believe,
To think her depression will ever leave.
Like the reference to the faces, has a bit of a Warrel Dane-esque quality to it. And the mentioning of the only happy face being in the trash sets the song up for a dreary overtone.

So many outfits,
So many lies.
Hiding herself,
From unseen eyes.
Peering down from the clouds above,
She finds anger, but shes after love.
Reinforces that the person here is confused, or deceiving others (or themselves), or just unsure of what there doing in a good way. The rhyme between eyes and lies seems a bit to obvious to me, But I just have a natural predispostion to oavoid rhyming wherever possible when I write, unless Its completely natural (Which means I dont notice it). So not really saying if its a positve or negative, hanging there undecided I guess.

Looking up,
Down goes her wall.
I broke right through,
To find her hanging from the ceiling.
I cant grip anything,
I have no feelings.
A cold few lines, No feelings felt for the scene you have come upon. Maybe o ut of shock or disbelief? Leaves the reader, and thats always good. Some of the rhyme seems a bit forced though, But once again, that might just be me.


" I'll right your name in my suicide letter."
Were your last words to me.
So many people I should tell.
But theres noone I want to see.
but,

You. Alive.
And loving life.
But you didnt.
You F****** DIDNT !

I can now feel your pain.
With a heart no longer beating,
As I look at the wall,
And see you hang from that ceiling.

Like the ending, You end up having an emotion to the scene you stumbled on, Gives the listener some closure to why you wrote this. The only suggestion is the rhyming, Not saying its bad but if you struggle to much to get a rhyme it will seem forced and unnatural. Just make sure its accurately expressing the thoughts you want, And you didn't settle for a certain because it rhymed.



(To Be Continued.....? Maybe..... )

© John Minoia 2009



c4c?
https://www.guitarmasterclass.net/guitar_fo...showtopic=23359
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Rated Htr
post Jan 13 2009, 10:58 PM
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QUOTE (Eat-Sleep-andJam @ Jan 12 2009, 11:27 PM) *
c4c


Used faces laying on the floor,
The different ones that she once wore.
A happy face sits in the trash,
Dissappointment got the best of her.
And now its only make believe,
To think her depression will ever leave.

These things take time, I can honestly say you've changed a phase from where you think it was your fault to a phase where you let out your rage. The different ones...she has many people while the happy face you once worn is in the trash. But than I see dissappointment related to her, maybe you're thinking she's sad because of what happened or you're seeing it in a different way?

So many outfits,
So many lies.
Hiding herself,
From unseen eyes.
Peering down from the clouds above,
She finds anger, but shes after love.

Everyone has a shell to hide their trueselves...I'm beginning to think that she's after you again for some reason, might be wrong, but that's my interpretation. If that's the case, by the words "She finds anger..." Means that you've kept your word and kept walking away

Looking up,
Down goes her wall.
I broke right through,
To find her hanging from the ceiling.
I cant grip anything,
I have no feelings.

AH HA! Got it! Great, triumph! The sad little puppet became the master, and you're using the rage that made you cry to make you forget that you once cared...brilliant!

" I'll right your name in my suicide letter."
Were your last words to me.
So many people I should tell.
But theres noone I want to see.
but,

You. Alive.
And loving life.
But you didnt.
You F****** DIDNT !

I can now feel your pain.
With a heart no longer beating,
As I look at the wall,
And see you hang from that ceiling.


What happened man!? You were so powerful, such achievements and than, you colapss...In the end, you realased your rage, and after recovering your emotions, you regret what you did...You want veageance and have the power to get it, but you don't have the strength to bear it...



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Eat-Sleep-andJam
post Jan 14 2009, 01:28 PM
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Hey guys. I know this isn't that good, but somethings need to be said, and are hard to put in the form of lyrics.

This is mainly based on something someone said to me, her last words to me.

Those last words involved suicide.

Hence, the inspiration behind this song......

Will return Crit's later today smile.gif



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CycoKilla
post Jan 17 2009, 02:16 PM
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QUOTE (Eat-Sleep-andJam @ Jan 13 2009, 10:27 AM) *
So many outfits,
So many lies.
Hiding herself,
From unseen eyes.
Peering down from the clouds above,
She finds anger, but shes after love.



Just a suggestion.
For the final line of that stanza I thought,

"She finds anger where she seeks love."

To me it fits the rhythm a little better.

Just my $0.02 worth.

I've been reading the lyrics posted here for a while now & I'm working on some lyrics of my own.
Hopefully I can post some soon. This area of the forum is quite dominated by 2-3 writers, would be good to see more people get into it. I'm certainly not as prolific as you guys, but I'll try to add some comments & post some lyrics for comment too. Keep up the good work!!


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The Uncreator
post Jan 17 2009, 06:03 PM
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Yes, The more people we can get on here the better smile.gif
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Eat-Sleep-andJam
post Jan 18 2009, 06:02 PM
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Yea thats awesome ^ biggrin.gif

Im not changing this simply because I dont like it .

Im going to wait until I get a better one and then write it.


As for now, Hang in there cool.gif I'll be back ph34r.gif


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