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> The Universal Equation, Part I: Time, My Enemy
The Uncreator
post Jan 15 2009, 06:34 AM
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_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The Universal Equation
Part I: Time, My Enemy
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _



Time, My enemy
A foe I can never defeat
A race against a constant
A war with no victory
I will let nothing
come between me and her
My dreams have revealed
This to me

I will be cast out and hated
Treated as a common tratior
I will abandon the front of war
Even though it pains me
I will close the great cold distance between
My life and her fading existence
But nothing short of death
And not even that will stop me

Time, My eternal foe
You will not alter my path
I will not falter this day
Time, My eternal foe
I will break free of your constraints
Nothing will stop this
I cannot afford to fail

I have left all that I know behind
For the one thing I truly love
My sense of self has been erased
Replaced by a sense of something bigger

My mind is in a state of confused unrest
But my heart knows what I do is right
Yet still inside I am conflicted
But I must see her if just one more time

Time, My eternal foe
You will not alter my path
I will not falter this day
Time, My eternal foe
I will break free of your constraints
Nothing will stop this
I cannot afford to fail

"Im on my way, My dear Simone"



© Brett Windnagle, 2008

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


"Upon learning of his wife Simone's illness, Captain James Francis Williams abandons his duties on the frontlines of war and makes all haste for his wife. But the distance is great, Vast amounts of cold endless space lay between him and her, And he will do anything to cross it in time....


Anything."
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Eat-Sleep-andJam
post Jan 15 2009, 01:32 PM
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QUOTE (The Uncreator @ Jan 14 2009, 09:34 PM) *
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The Universal Equation
Part I: Time, My Enemy
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _



Time, My enemy
A foe I can never defeat
A race against a constant
A war with no victory
I will let nothing
come between me and her
My dreams have revealed
This to me
I like the way this opens. After reading this twice already I like how you didnt over-do a intro to this song. The verses are shorter then your usually ones but it still gives the reader a nice platform to build off of.[color="#00FF00"]
I will be cast out and hated
Treated as a common tratior
I will abandon the front of war
Even though it pains me
I will close the great cold distance between
My life and her fading existence
But nothing short of death
And not even that will stop me[color="#00FF00"]
I really like the conflict here. A general leaving a war he loves to comfort his dieing wife. Seems like its based on a true event. I feel like I have read about it somewhere.....

Time, My eternal foe
You will not alter my path
I will not falter this day
Time, My eternal foe
I will break free of your constraints
Nothing will stop this
I cannot afford to fail

I have left all that I know behind
For the one thing I truly love
My sense of self has been erased
Replaced by a sense of something bigger

My mind is in a state of confused unrest
But my heart knows what I do is right
Yet still inside I am conflicted
But I must see her if just one more time
I don't think the last line her makes sense ^. Maybe split it into two lines.
"But I must see her,
One more time.


Time, My eternal foe
You will not alter my path
I will not falter this day
Time, My eternal foe
I will break free of your constraints
Nothing will stop this
I cannot afford to fail

"Im on my way, My dear Simone"

Lots of different places to go from here. Leaves you hanging biggrin.gif


© Brett Windnagle, 2008

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


"Upon learning of his wife Simone's illness, Captain James Francis Williams abandons his duties on the frontlines of war and makes all haste for his wife. But the distance is great, Vast amounts of cold endless space lay between him and her, And he will do anything to cross it in time....


Anything."


I like this Brett. You have some good ideas here. I know your going to go in a Sci Fi direction with this but it looks different then some of your other ones. I like different. I like this Series, I will get around to the other Crits Later.

See ya.


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...And live for it"
-The Uncreator
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OrganisedConfusi...
post Jan 15 2009, 01:39 PM
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It reminds me of the last OVA in the Rurouni Kenshin Series. You should watch it for more inspiration if you haven't seen it.

The lyrics are good. They aren't completely my thing with the style of them but they are very good for your progressive style music. They fit perfectly and they are like short stories which is how progressive lyrics usually are so a great job. I wont comment in depth but I do like them. Like I've said before I think you should release it in a book format. smile.gif I'd buy a copy lol laugh.gif


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The Uncreator
post Jan 15 2009, 04:00 PM
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Obviously im doing a more sci-fi approach, But im trying to to do it specifically from a each persons perspective, And try to get more at the human side instead of Sci-Fi. It may not seem like but I'm trying something new here, Had a story I was working on for awhile, So I decided to experiment. My main goal was not to let myself run rampant on the "sci-fi" too much laugh.gif

I tried compressing all the normal details I would use into smaller aspects, If I wrote this story how I normally write, It would be atleast 15 songs laugh.gif

I have another sci-fi story going that I've topped out at 25 songs, And although I love it, I dont want every story I write to become a 1 or 2 album thing. So this is a feeble attempt to keep all the basics into a few songs without losing the affect I guess.
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Rated Htr
post Jan 16 2009, 10:29 PM
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I won't make an usual part by part avaluation because, after reading it, and sensing it was part of a story I can only avaluate it that way. I have to be honest, your passion for space and time really fascinates me laugh.gif. Like the way you variate your words using the same idea "Eternal foe", "My enemy". Basicly, the only idea I get after reading it is the same "going to achieve mais objective no matter what"


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