I don't know you that well, and I'm (thankfully) not a psychologist. So I'll make a lot of assumptions here, and I may be completely off (in that case, excuse me), but here goes...
QUOTE (OrganisedConfusion @ Feb 9 2009, 04:04 PM)
1. My job is terrible. I get paid really well but it's the most depressing work I could possibly imagine and the manager complains at me daily and never tries to help out and he has had a general dislike of me from the start. I HAVE to find a new job. I can't carry on living with this job as every day makes me feel suicidal. I have to change this.
There's a strange paradox in that type of situation, which is: The people who tend to stick to their job even if they hate it, are often also the kind of people who would have a very easy time finding another one. Because that kind of person is exactly the kind many employers want the most. There's a strange sense of commitment -- which trancends the money issue you mention, whether you realize it or not -- and it's in effect no matter if you like the job or not. Which means you really ought to use that commitment on something you like
There's no point in staying at a place you don't like -- especially in your case. It's no good for you, your workplace or your colleagues.
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2. My money isn't good as it is and if I lose my job I'm screwed. This next payday in 2 weeks I have finally got into the plus for the first time in 6 years which should be a great moment for me but worrying about losing a job I don't want is overpowering this feeling as I know I'll be thrown back into this awful living and I have so much outgoing each month that I can't cancel and the biggest one doesn't end for good until October time
Which is why you may need to find a different job before you quit this one. But as others said, the smallest component of "awful living" is the money. Work tends to be half our waking hours -- at least -- so it should be worth it. And complement -- not counteract -- what we do in our spare time.
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3. I have lost my love for guitar and more shockingly music. I never listen to music anymore. When people around me play it I get annoyed and tell them to turn it off. I hate the music I play in the band I'm in and I hate that we are now predominantly a covers band. This is dragging me down and the fact I'm useless on guitar after playing for near 7 years is demoralising also as I used to play for very large periods of time each day and I seem to have gone backwards.
The backwards part comes with any instrument at some point -- it's the exact point that needs the hardest work to get past. But it's not helping if the rest of your life is dragging you down, and I still see the work issue being the main part, because it
will drain your energy for all the other stuff -- the stuff that actually matters.
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4. I have like 1 friend that I care about and that is it and this means most weekends I just sit infront of the TV playing games for 2 days straight with about 4 hours for sleep in between.
Many people have 150 "friends" they don't care about at all, some have none at all. You're much better off than both of them.
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5. I haven't had a girlfriend in like 5 years and I am getting older and older quickly but unfortunately I am an ugly loser with nothing to offer to anyone.
Here's the lack of energy and depression talking. In my mind, you need to take care of the rest of your issues, and then you'll have lots to offer.
And, as others have said, there's no "right" time to have a girlfriend, get married (if at all), or any of that. And "youth" seems to me to expand with each generation, to the point where the 20's are the new teens, the 30's are the new 20's etc. In other words, at the moment, you have all the time in the world.
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I have just lost everything over the last 5 or 6 years. I feel I did a degree that is useless even though it is a great degree to have I just don't feel I am good enough at it and I don't think it offers me many opportunities where I am now. And also I hate the UK and want to move badly anywhere else.
I'm almost positive that you feel you're not good enough at it for two reasons:
1. You're not using it -- and you should
2. You're a perfectionist, which goes with the territory of commitment mentioned above. You'll generally want to please -- and impress -- everyone or as many as possible.
Recommendation: Pick up a few job ads, write an application for some of them, and try to get to an interview, even (or especially) if the job is really not for you. Like, your qualifications might match, but they want you to wear a suit and tie to work; you don't like their business style or whatever. But do go even if you think you're "not qualified enough". In short, go to an interview, knowing that you don't want the job. There's no pressure, nothing you can "fail" at. Just present yourself as you are, don't exaggerate anything.
You might get the job (and then you can decline), you might not (and it's no big loss), but I think you'll be surprised how interested most interviewers will be in what you have to offer. And you'll have some valuable experience for the job interview that
does matter.
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I just feel that over my whole life I have made wrong decision after wrong decision and I wonder whether things will ever be good for me.
They always will.
There's a concept known as "existential crisis", which generally happens a couple of times in a lifetime. A lot of people know one of those cases as "midlife crisis". It's generally when you reach a point where you start questioning if your priorities in life have been the right ones.
Everyone (except the most shallow ones
) gets -- at the very least -- one. Because life is constant learning. And, to my mind, the earlier you get such a crisis, the better for you. The ones worse off are those who have a streamlined path through their life, only to regret their choices at 70. I had a crisis rather early, and ended up changing my priorities to the point where there's not really much of my "personality" left from my teens -- thankfully. Took a lot of thinking; a lot of new, really bad, choices; quite a bit of collateral damage left behind... but I
think I ended up a better person.
As for "living through chemistry" (because, yes, you may also be dealing with depression here)...
Thankfully, I haven't had a real depression in my life -- other than a couple of brief visits in my teens to what Ann Shulgin calls "the valley of the shadow of death", short (30 minutes or so) bursts of complete meaningless, which are very gracious compared to depression in that they passed, very quickly, by themselves (almost).
I do, however, know plenty of people who have had actual depressions, and what I've come to believe is this:
The way the brain works, the more an area is used, the more it gets strengthened and the more it's likely to be used again to the point of exclusion of other parts. If you stop using a part, it will gradually be weakened and less likely to be used again. That's a very layman way of describing how neurons work.
Now, I compare the clinical type of depression to the mind being stuck in a room with locked doors. A depressed person will need to escape that room and explore others. But the more he stays in that room, the thicker the walls get, the more elaborate the lock gets, and at some point the walls will be so thick and the door so hard to unlock, that trying to get out "naturally" just won't work.
What medicine against depression does then, is unlock the door, or break down the walls if you will. It does this indiscriminately, which explains some of the side effects of such medicine. In any event,
you still have to actually leave the room and explore other areas, and resist the temptation to stay in that room again for a while, in order to weaken its walls when medicine is no longer used. That way, the medicine isn't something permanent, but only an aid to let you help yourself "naturally".
I really don't think indiscriminate warnings against use of medicine for depression is helping people.
(EDIT: Few clarifications, and bad grammar-corrections)
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This post has been edited by Kaneda: Feb 11 2009, 12:13 PM
