Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Un-named, My First Lyrics
g-forcelover
post Apr 25 2009, 05:07 PM
Post #1


GMC:er
*

Group: Members
Posts: 630
Joined: 24-September 07
From: Wilmington
Member No.: 2.857



Push me aside, like a broken toy
Disregard me, like a shadow in your thoughts
I'm a voice in the back of your head
Just something you take for granted

What did I do to deserve this
Why do you just throw me away
You know I'm better off without you
f***ing up my life and my mind

(solo)

You can't fool me
I see right through you
Contradict me
F*** up my mind

Talk to me one day, ignore me the next
Pretend that you like me, then stab me in the back
I'm acually something more than that
Not what you think or you want

What did I do to deserve this
Why do you just throw me away
You know I'm better off without you
F***ing up my life and my mind

(solo)

(breakdown/outro)
--------------------------------------

My first lyrics, just about some stuff I'm going through, critisim welcome smile.gif

This post has been edited by g-forcelover: Apr 25 2009, 05:07 PM


--------------------


i tripped and broke my guitar's neck. :(
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Skalde
post Apr 25 2009, 06:00 PM
Post #2


GMC:er
*

Group: Members
Posts: 784
Joined: 13-January 08
From: Germany, North
Member No.: 3.817



Hey g-forcelover, I think your lyrics would fit fine, to a Death Metal song. I am not a singer, but as I sung your lyrics in my mind it sounded pretty well biggrin.gif
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
g-forcelover
post Apr 25 2009, 07:59 PM
Post #3


GMC:er
*

Group: Members
Posts: 630
Joined: 24-September 07
From: Wilmington
Member No.: 2.857



QUOTE (Skalde @ Apr 25 2009, 01:00 PM) *
Hey g-forcelover, I think your lyrics would fit fine, to a Death Metal song. I am not a singer, but as I sung your lyrics in my mind it sounded pretty well biggrin.gif

thanks, I was going for a heavy metal, five finger death punch kinda feel here, but thats awesome


--------------------


i tripped and broke my guitar's neck. :(
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Eat-Sleep-andJam
post Apr 26 2009, 04:47 AM
Post #4


GMC:er
*

Group: Members
Posts: 2.412
Joined: 23-February 07
From: New york
Member No.: 1.243



Perfect for metal and death metal.

Nice first lyrics.


I would like to see it a little more organized next time, you can say One Idea, so many different ways.

Remember that. We know that your angry, but rather then just writing very straightforward. ( Which is still good).

Try to convey it in your own unique way, metaphors, similes. You get the idea.

The emotion is there, just work with it a bit more.

Nice first lyrics man smile.gif


--------------------
Join Me On the Lyrics Board !


"Find something worth dying for...



...And live for it"
-The Uncreator
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
g-forcelover
post Apr 26 2009, 04:58 PM
Post #5


GMC:er
*

Group: Members
Posts: 630
Joined: 24-September 07
From: Wilmington
Member No.: 2.857



QUOTE (Eat-Sleep-andJam @ Apr 25 2009, 11:47 PM) *
Perfect for metal and death metal.

Nice first lyrics.


I would like to see it a little more organized next time, you can say One Idea, so many different ways.

Remember that. We know that your angry, but rather then just writing very straightforward. ( Which is still good).

Try to convey it in your own unique way, metaphors, similes. You get the idea.

The emotion is there, just work with it a bit more.

Nice first lyrics man smile.gif

sweet, thanks, that really helped me


--------------------


i tripped and broke my guitar's neck. :(
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
TreyDeschamp
post Apr 26 2009, 05:03 PM
Post #6


Learning Apprentice Player
*

Group: Members
Posts: 2.093
Joined: 1-May 08
From: Diamondhead, MS
Member No.: 5.023



Great first lyrics man. In a sense I sort of relate to those lyrics. Hope all is well with you. Great first lyrics.


--------------------
Check out my Youtube!
Add me on Facebook!
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Rated Htr
post Apr 28 2009, 01:00 AM
Post #7


Experienced Rock Star
*

Group: Members
Posts: 2.111
Joined: 15-October 07
From: Leiria, Portugal
Member No.: 3.056



Something very tipical to us all sad.gif

Fury lyrics work well with death metal wink.gif

My suggestion: Think about the flow of things, if you know what I mean smile.gif


--------------------
Currently Practicing

Rhythm: Finnish Power Metal III: Nightwish
Legato: Ben's Land Of Legato
Alternate Picking: Alternate Picking Workout #5
Chords: Chord Melody Technique

Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
The Uncreator
post Jun 13 2009, 04:15 PM
Post #8


Fire Up The Blades, Moderator
Group Icon

Group: GMC Senior
Posts: 8.933
Joined: 6-March 07
From: St. Petersburg, Florida
Member No.: 1.304




Push me aside, like a broken toy
Disregard me, like a shadow in your thoughts
I'm a voice in the back of your head
Just something you take for granted
Very aggressive and upfront start with the song, With a touch of a Metallica vibe in there (Which I like). Definitely a good start

What did I do to deserve this
Why do you just throw me away
You know I'm better off without you
f***ing up my life and my mind
I would actually, In the last line use, how shall I say, it...The first word you used in the last line I would also use in between "and" and "my", It just feels right to me. Still another good verse nonetheless

(solo)

You can't fool me
I see right through you
Contradict me
F*** up my mind
The last line I would change, It seems to be overstating the point a bit. Other than that though its a solid verse. Maybe lengthen the lines a bit, 2 or 3 more syllable, depending on the music with it.

Talk to me one day, ignore me the next
Pretend that you like me, then stab me in the back
I'm acually something more than that
Not what you think or you want

What did I do to deserve this
Why do you just throw me away
You know I'm better off without you
F***ing up my life and my mind
I like these last two verse, But the first one seems to be a bit off rhythm than the others, just slightly. It might just be and once again it might depend on the music with it or how its sung, And I like the reiteration of the first verse. Makes the statement stronger.

Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
g-forcelover
post Jun 13 2009, 04:32 PM
Post #9


GMC:er
*

Group: Members
Posts: 630
Joined: 24-September 07
From: Wilmington
Member No.: 2.857



QUOTE (The Uncreator @ Jun 13 2009, 11:15 AM) *
Push me aside, like a broken toy
Disregard me, like a shadow in your thoughts
I'm a voice in the back of your head
Just something you take for granted
Very aggressive and upfront start with the song, With a touch of a Metallica vibe in there (Which I like). Definitely a good start

What did I do to deserve this
Why do you just throw me away
You know I'm better off without you
f***ing up my life and my mind
I would actually, In the last line use, how shall I say, it...The first word you used in the last line I would also use in between "and" and "my", It just feels right to me. Still another good verse nonetheless

(solo)

You can't fool me
I see right through you
Contradict me
F*** up my mind
The last line I would change, It seems to be overstating the point a bit. Other than that though its a solid verse. Maybe lengthen the lines a bit, 2 or 3 more syllable, depending on the music with it.

Talk to me one day, ignore me the next
Pretend that you like me, then stab me in the back
I'm acually something more than that
Not what you think or you want

What did I do to deserve this
Why do you just throw me away
You know I'm better off without you
F***ing up my life and my mind
I like these last two verse, But the first one seems to be a bit off rhythm than the others, just slightly. It might just be and once again it might depend on the music with it or how its sung, And I like the reiteration of the first verse. Makes the statement stronger.

dang man that was really good advice thanks, and im makin a couple changes and ill post them later tonight


--------------------


i tripped and broke my guitar's neck. :(
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post

Fast ReplyReply to this topicStart new topic
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

 


RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 18th October 2017 - 10:27 AM