Ascension Paradox, Another one for my vb project Options

[quadrium]

Lyrics i have written for our second song of our vb project. Hope you like it. Waiting your comments

A world with full of miracles
Beyond his imaginations
So many doubts abouts it's existance
Time to break this paradoxes

Told within the ancient prophecies
A ritual has been made
Once he's controlled his inner consciousness
The spiritual cycle has been complete

The new day is dawning
The doorways bettween the worlds are opening
As the ascended stepping through it
His body's transcending beyond it's limit

As he lives as an ascended master
He explored this hole new universe
Once he realized the perfection
He lived forever with concordance

The new day is dawning
The doorways bettween the worlds are opening
As the ascended stepping through it
His body's transcending beyond it's limit

© Dogukan Ozturk

This post has been edited by quadrium: May 17 2011, 11:23 PM

[MonkeyDAthos]

Lyrics i have written for our second song of our vb project. Hope you like it. Waiting your comments

A world with full of miracles
Beyond his imaginations
So many doubts abouts it's existance
Time to break this paradoxes

Told within the ancient prophecies
A ritual has been made
Once he's controlled his inner consciousness
The spiritual cycle has been complete

The new day is dawning
The doorways bettween the worlds are opening
As the ascended stepping through it
His body's transcending beyond it's limit

As he lives as an ascended master
He explored this hole new universe
Once he realized the perfection
He lived forever with concordance

The new day is dawning
The doorways bettween the worlds are opening
As the ascended stepping through it
His body's transcending beyond it's limit

© Dogukan Ozturk

remind me of iron maiden nice job man

[quadrium]

Thanks man!

[The Uncreator]

A world with full of miracles
Beyond his imaginations
So many doubts about it's existence
Time to break this paradoxes
_{First line, I think the word "with" should come out (seems like a typo) - And the last line I think Paradox should be singular, "-es". Otherwise a solid start}

Told within the ancient prophecies
A ritual has been made
Once he's controlled his inner consciousness
The spiritual cycle has been complete
_{Last line, seems like it should be "...can be complete" or "...will be complete" - the has been complete contradicts the previous lines implication of the completion still needing to "finished".}

The new day is dawning
The doorways between the worlds are opening
As the ascended are stepping through it
His body's transcending beyond it's limit
_{I like this verse and/or chorus, brings in the atmosphere and sets a nice tone. I might actually think of starting off with it to set the mood sooner. And maybe add "are" and subtract "it". Purely for rhythmical purposes, I am just imagining it being sung.}

As he lives as an ascended master
He explored this hole new universe
Once he realized the perfection
He lived forever with concordance
_{Make "explored" explores, present tense, and I think it will read much smoother and sing even better. Otherwise I like this piece probably the most.}

The new day is dawning
The doorways between the worlds are opening
As the ascended stepping through it
His body's transcending beyond it's limit

© Dogukan Ozturk

Nicely done, I would mainly suggest starting off with what seems to be the chorus, to better set the mood. And maybe in the last repetition of it, switch up the lyrics to make it more interesting. These are just some my critiques, all in all a solid job!

[quadrium]

Thanks man! Glad you liked it. And thanks for the advices

Dogukan,