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> Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists Of All Time
Spock
post Nov 17 2013, 02:08 PM
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I had to post this article because it was hilarious.

Don't get me wrong, I admire all these guys, but this article was a fun one to go through...




By Nate Jackson

Hey, we can all appreciate a quality guitar god. Anyone who considers themselves a fan of music knows the joy of watching their favorite axe man/woman go on a tear and destroy the crowd with their fast-fingered prowess, signature style and lush mane of flowing hair. It's the textbook rock-n-roll sexy factor that has been selling concert tickets, signature guitars, and posters for decades. But when you're a world-class guitar player and you know it, there's a fine line between sexy and, well, douchey. You know, that rocker who poses on his knees for just a little too long, gives us just a little too much "O" face during every solo and is hell bent to show us all how many guitars he/she can play at once. History (namely the 80s) is full of these guys, but Douchey Guitar Player Disease (a/k/a DGPD) is still a scourge on the music industry today. With that in mind, we'd like to present our list of the Top 10 Douchiest Guitar Players of All Time.



10. John Mayer
If there's one current artist who revolutionized the art of the sour face while playing even the simplest of riffs, it's John Mayer. Despite his destiny to supply us with music suitable for dentists offices and local pharmacies the world over, dude is an undeniably accomplished jazz shredder. But for the love of god, when your face alone is able to upstage your playing (and B.B. King who is sitting right next to him in this clip), it's time to settle the fuck down. Check the tape at 6:20. Did he just jizz in his pants?



9. Yngwie Malmsteen
This guy was the most technically accomplished guitarist to come out of the 80s. Period. He also gave us the runs. No, not those runs. We mean the lightning-fast, neo-classical wankery that had this guy thinking he was the second coming of Bach, only with guyliner and better hair. While Sweden has turned out its share of douchey metal madmen in tight leather pants, Malmsteen is arguably the most extreme caricature of the Euro guitar god.



8. Esteban
If you've ever come home drunk at 4 a.m. and stared at infomercials for a half hour, chances are you've seen this guy. Your first thought: "Who is that mysterious man in black and how did he learn to play guitar like that?" Turns out that dashing axe man in the bolero hat and shades is none other than Esteban, lord of the Spanish guitar who is about as overly suave and mystical as they come. So suave he doesn't even need a last name. Aside from the overwhelming cheese factor in each of his videos, there's the fact that a white guy from Pittsburgh (real name: Stephen Paul) would commandeer a Spanish name and go parading around like a wannabe Zorro. Fail.



7. Rick Nielsen
Remember the days when one neck on a guitar seemed sufficient? Well, if you're Cheap Trick guitarist Rick Nielsen, apparently the art of 80s FM power pop requires a lot more. Known more for his wacky guitars than his actual ability to play them, the most famous images of Nielson are of him holding his five-neck behemoth custom built by Hamer. At age 66, we're a little worried he's gonna throw his back out trying to play this thing if he hasn't already. And c'mon, what does it really add to anything he plays in the band? Can you say "over compensating"?

#6 for some reason got left out - it was Wes Borland from Limp Biskit
Probably because he took the time for a guitar solo and played the first part of someone else's song - not too original





5. C.C. DeVille
Of all the shredders in the L.A. glam metal scene, watching C.C. DeVille on stage always felt like we were getting a one-way ticket to Clown Town. Still one of the most egregious 80s cliches in the rock world today, the Poison guitarist was not just a douche for his playing and his looks, his behavior and addictions definitely gave him the reputation of being among the biggest egomaniacs to ever pick up a guitar in the 80s. And when you can look like the bigger douche when standing next to Brett Michaels, well, you deserve to be a shoe-in for this list. Whether it was stumbling around high on stage, getting in fist fights with band members off stage, his ability to be taken seriously as a guitarist is due only to the fact that the dude can riff for days. In this clip he appears to be so impressed with himself that he pissed his pants.



4. Joe Satriani
If he didn't come off as so quiet and low key, the god father of cheese ball 80s guitar lines might even deserve an even higher place on this list as the founder of the wankfest that is the G3 tour. Have you ever seen the world's most accomplished guitarists get on stage and spit riffs on each other for hours on end? That's basically what this is. Aside from his history as a guitar teacher who instructed some of the most over-indulgent head bangers in the world (Kirk Hammett, Yngwie Malmsteen, Steve Vai, and more) Satriani is probably one of the few people on this list that can say he had a douchey song that had an indirect influence on douchey, award-winning music decades later courtesy of Coldplay. You may remember the copyright infringement suit Satriani filed against the band in 2008 over their song "Viva La Vida," which won "Song of the Year" at the 2009 Grammy Awards. Turns out the central riff in that song sounds a lot like his exponentially cornier 2004 track "If I Could Fly." Both parties settled out of court. One final note: Anyone who listens to his music in the car will automatically feel like they're in the movie Top Gun.



3. Michael Angelo Batio
In the pantheon of double guitar-playing riffmeisters, none are equally as spell binding and laughable as Michael Angelo Batio. So much so that winning the Guitar World reader's choice poll for the "Fastest Guitarist of All Time" in 2011 almost feels like an insult. Who else could they possibly have picked to even compete against MAB's lightning fretwork in the first place? There is no competition. Somtimes riffing on as many as four guitar necks at a time, Batio basically made an entire career on being a selfish prick who didn't want a rhythm guitarist stealing his spotlight. The next time you wanna laugh hysterically, check out the guitarists series of instructional DVDs called Speed Kills which also doubles as a manual on how to look like you just stepped off the Sunset Strip in 1984. Oh and when you watch him double teaming two shafts, er, necks on his guitar in this clip, try not to let your head explode.



2.Eddie Van Halen
Ask any show-stealing rockstar in training what their most influential song is and see how long it takes them to say "Eruption." This could very well be the douchiest, most soulless, over-indulgent solo in American rock-n-roll. And in case you were wondering, you can play every meandering, nonsensical note in this entire 11-minute opus, but if you can't pull it of while sliding across a catwalk stage, then face it, bro ... you're just a wannabe douche.



1. Steve Vai
Sure, plenty of guitar players can overplay and look really intense doing it, but until Steve Vai, we've never seen a guitarist actually manage to go up his own ass while playing a triple necked guitar with legs crossed. You can almost feel how insignificant he thinks you are with every note he plays. You are blessed to hear him even turn his amp on. If these facial expressions alone during the entirety of this six minute clip don't earn him the top spot on this list, then PLEASE, tell us who deserves it more.

SOURCE: http://blogs.villagevoice.com/music/2013/0..._guitarists.php
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Cosmin Lupu
post Nov 17 2013, 05:05 PM
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Both MAB and Vai are amazing human beings and they are anything BUT douches smile.gif I had the joy of meeting both - MAB is like an old grany that will somehow pop a tray with milk and cookies out of nowhere. Can't call a dude like that a douche biggrin.gif


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Headbanger
post Nov 17 2013, 05:17 PM
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I don't know how or what douche bag exactly translates to in English(UK) but I thinks its pretty bad...as I've see it written a lot in the 'flaming wars' 'below nearly all of the YouTube videos I've seen...so Its probably not used correctly here?? huh.gif Maybe the word you are looking for is showmanship? biggrin.gif


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TeoWulf
post Nov 17 2013, 06:24 PM
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Where the hell is Ritchie Blackmore? biggrin.gif
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Gabriel Leopardi
post Nov 17 2013, 06:55 PM
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This list is full of very cool guitarists but I have a very big problem, and the reason why is that my main language is Spanish... what does "douchiest" mean? blink.gif


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Ben Higgins
post Nov 17 2013, 07:07 PM
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QUOTE (Gabriel Leopardi @ Nov 17 2013, 05:55 PM) *
This list is full of very cool guitarists but I have a very big problem, and the reason why is that my main language is Spanish... what does "douchiest" mean? blink.gif


Look up the word 'Douche bag'. Douchiest isn't a real word at all.. but it comes from 'douche' which is a shortening of 'douche bag.' Adding iest is a way of saying it's the most possible representation of being a douche.

I think it's mostly an American slang thing.. nobody in this country used it that I know of, until it started spreading on the net.


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Gabriel Leopardi
post Nov 17 2013, 07:50 PM
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QUOTE (Ben Higgins @ Nov 17 2013, 03:07 PM) *
Look up the word 'Douche bag'. Douchiest isn't a real word at all.. but it comes from 'douche' which is a shortening of 'douche bag.' Adding iest is a way of saying it's the most possible representation of being a douche.

I think it's mostly an American slang thing.. nobody in this country used it that I know of, until it started spreading on the net.


Totally clear now.. thanks mate.

http://www.internetslang.com/DOUCHE_20BAG-...-definition.asp



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Todd Simpson
post Nov 17 2013, 08:17 PM
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Some funny bits to be sure smile.gif Though maybe a bit of "Sour Grapes" from the author? But it does sound like it was written by a frustrated guitar player. smile.gif "Anyone who can play this well must be a douche" sort of thing. Honestly, everyone has full rights to their own opinion and all but anyone who things Steve Vai is on the D list just lost all credibility with me personally.


QUOTE (Cosmin Lupu @ Nov 17 2013, 11:05 AM) *
Both MAB and Vai are amazing human beings and they are anything BUT douches smile.gif I had the joy of meeting both - MAB is like an old grany that will somehow pop a tray with milk and cookies out of nowhere. Can't call a dude like that a douche biggrin.gif


This post has been edited by Todd Simpson: Nov 17 2013, 08:21 PM


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Slavenko Erazer
post Nov 17 2013, 08:42 PM
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QUOTE (TeoWulf @ Nov 17 2013, 06:24 PM) *
Where the hell is Ritchie Blackmore? biggrin.gif

i don't think that he belongs to this list. He is Riff king!

QUOTE (Todd Simpson @ Nov 17 2013, 08:17 PM) *
Some funny bits to be sure smile.gif Though maybe a bit of "Sour Grapes" from the author? But it does sound like it was written by a frustrated guitar player. smile.gif "Anyone who can play this well must be a douche" sort of thing. Honestly, everyone has full rights to their own opinion and all but anyone who things Steve Vai is on the D list just lost all credibility with me personally.


Totally agree with this! cool.gif
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jstcrsn
post Nov 17 2013, 08:51 PM
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sounds to me like the writer has a little douche bag envy
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Spock
post Nov 17 2013, 10:45 PM
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I have to believe the article was written for humor, I also wondered who he considers a good guitarist which would not be a douche.

BTW - Malmstein's guitar tone in that video a awesome.

This post has been edited by Spock: Nov 17 2013, 10:46 PM
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Taka Perry
post Nov 19 2013, 06:54 AM
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I never understood the purpose of multi neck guitars ohmy.gif They seem more like a visual gimmick more than anything, and I don't see a single neck guitar being limiting in terms of creativity :\


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Cosmin Lupu
post Nov 19 2013, 11:35 AM
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QUOTE (Spock @ Nov 17 2013, 09:45 PM) *
I have to believe the article was written for humor, I also wondered who he considers a good guitarist which would not be a douche.

BTW - Malmstein's guitar tone in that video a awesome.


Out of what I have heard - rumors of course - Malmsteen is indeed a guy who feels like he is somehow above every other living human being and acts accordingly smile.gif About the rest... I don't think that making a face, makes you a douche - it's all about how you treat the people around and the energy you transmit.


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Spock
post Nov 19 2013, 12:34 PM
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QUOTE (Cosmin Lupu @ Nov 19 2013, 05:35 AM) *
Out of what I have heard - rumors of course - Malmsteen is indeed a guy who feels like he is somehow above every other living human being and acts accordingly smile.gif About the rest... I don't think that making a face, makes you a douche - it's all about how you treat the people around and the energy you transmit.



I wasn't going to say that, but yea, if anyone belongs on the list, it Malmstein.
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SirJamsalot
post Nov 20 2013, 11:42 PM
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MAAB... he's how old now? He's still got an 18 year old's head of hair. I don't get it.
Love his videos on two fronts.

The first is just watching how easy he makes playing look.Not a fan of the flippy wrist thing he does - makes me chuckle every time.
The second is the way that even in his training video, he starts everything out by saying "I'm going to show you how to ..." for a good 20 minutes before getting into the lesson. Really reminds me of a used Car Salesman - I treat his videos like cult classic "B" movies. So terribly bad they're entertaining and I'll watch them over and over again smile.gif



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Cosmin Lupu
post Nov 21 2013, 08:40 AM
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QUOTE (SirJamsalot @ Nov 20 2013, 10:42 PM) *
MAAB... he's how old now? He's still got an 18 year old's head of hair. I don't get it.
Love his videos on two fronts.

The first is just watching how easy he makes playing look.Not a fan of the flippy wrist thing he does - makes me chuckle every time.
The second is the way that even in his training video, he starts everything out by saying "I'm going to show you how to ..." for a good 20 minutes before getting into the lesson. Really reminds me of a used Car Salesman - I treat his videos like cult classic "B" movies. So terribly bad they're entertaining and I'll watch them over and over again smile.gif


As I said, he is just like an old granny biggrin.gif But believe me, his backing tracks, playing and overall sound at the clinic were simply crushing! Great performance and craftsmanship on the guitar!


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Ben Higgins
post Nov 21 2013, 11:57 AM
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QUOTE (Cosmin Lupu @ Nov 21 2013, 07:40 AM) *
But believe me, his backing tracks, playing and overall sound at the clinic were simply crushing! Great performance and craftsmanship on the guitar!


Yeah, his consistency of performance is staggering. I don't think he makes mistakes !! cool.gif


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TeoWulf
post Nov 21 2013, 04:25 PM
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QUOTE (Slavenko Erazer @ Nov 17 2013, 08:42 PM) *
i don't think that he belongs to this list. He is Riff king!


Of course, but he (at least) used to be kind of an a**hole.
For example, in this video, he stops his solo only to throw a waterbottle at a cameraman for coming too close.
He is still my favourite guitarist though biggrin.gif
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Cosmin Lupu
post Nov 22 2013, 10:02 AM
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QUOTE (TeoWulf @ Nov 21 2013, 03:25 PM) *
Of course, but he (at least) used to be kind of an a**hole.
For example, in this video, he stops his solo only to throw a waterbottle at a cameraman for coming too close.
He is still my favourite guitarist though biggrin.gif


Now that he plays medieval music, is he not anymore?

I love this tune smile.gif



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TeoWulf
post Nov 22 2013, 03:56 PM
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QUOTE (Cosmin Lupu @ Nov 22 2013, 10:02 AM) *
Now that he plays medieval music, is he not anymore?

I love this tune smile.gif



Yes, he is still playing that, which is awesome. I'm especially fond of their live recordings.
I guess he has calmed down a little smile.gif
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