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> Gmc Songwriting Collaboration (!), Let's write a song together!
Amir Razmara
post Nov 2 2014, 02:42 AM
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QUOTE (Kristofer Dahl @ Nov 1 2014, 03:19 PM) *
Ok I have recorded a short vocal line (starting at 00:50) to try to get a feel for what... feel we should go for!

[attachment=39603:song_col...est_nov1.mp3]

Lyrics:
Yesterday I heard you say
Be my man and make love to me

But the problem is this, it wasn't to me!
But to an old and long time friend of ours

What do you do, and what do you say
When your life is about to sway away


Thanks to Amir for pointing out starting with “yesterday” makes more sense than “today”.

Any input is welcome!


Kris I like the vocal melody you did for the verse part, last week I came up with a line as well, but I thought It had some weak areas now that I compare both I see yours makes more sense and has more punch in to it. I have included the one I wrote at the very end of the Tabs just so you can see it. I had an Idea over Bleeze's part which is there as well.
For those of you guys who are following the tabs, every thing has been updated.

This post has been edited by Amir Razmara: Nov 2 2014, 04:01 PM
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Attached File  Songwriting_collab_draft_5.gpx ( 62.1K ) Number of downloads: 89
 
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Kristofer Dahl
post Nov 2 2014, 04:21 PM
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I have done some more vocal experimenting and I also added some lines over Bleez' riff (01:16). It doesn't quite feel right to me yet though, so I need to digest it some more. I might try with a higher voice over Bleez' riff.

Attached File  song_collab_vocal_test2_nov2.mp3 ( 3.42MB ) Number of downloads: 77


So far we got:

Yesterday, I heard you say
Be my man and make love to me

But the problem is this, it wasn't to me!
But to an old and long time friend of ours

What do you do, and what do you say
When your life is about to sway away

[solo break]

Unfaithful lies
Compromise
Sacrifice
Lies & lies & lies!


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Amir Razmara
post Nov 2 2014, 07:34 PM
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Kris what do you think about adding more lyrics before "What do you do" line?

Yesterday, I heard you say
Be my man and make love to me

But the problem is this, it wasn't to me!
But to an old and long time friend of ours

I stumbled back and fell into a chair
My heart was heavy and my brain full of pain

What do you do, and what do you say
When your life is about to sway away

[solo break]

Unfaithful lies
Compromise
Sacrifice
Lies & lies & lies![/i]
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Kristofer Dahl
post Nov 3 2014, 10:31 PM
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Cool Amir, this is a great opportunity to discuss some lyrics writing. I am by no means an expert on this topic - my strategy is rather to "get away" with as little injury as possible wink.gif

After all one has to sing something, even though la la la and yeah yeah yeah can work sometimes. Seriously though, I personally need some kind of connection with the lyrics in order to sing them convincingly. Typically I will go for darker stuff since it just seems to match what I can deliver genre- and vocal wise.

My main strategy is to be abstract / cryptic, and this has some advantages:

* People can read in different meanings into the lyrics and this also increases chances of people liking them (they'll make up their own version of what they think the lyrics mean)

* it is much easier than telling a real story. Because if you go for telling a story, it requires consistency and correct language (haha and those two are definitely weaknesses of mine! ). Plus at the end of the story - it better be good or no one will like it. Again, with cryptic stuff people will have made up their own version of the songs' meaning - a bit like how you can paint a landscape in your mind when you read a book.

In this song collab's lyrics, I tried to be as cryptic as possible - and I only gave away some real facts in the very beginning of the text to establish a scenario: Someone has been cheated on and circumstances are nasty.

With this in mind I would say the line you added heads more into the story telling department, and I would have problems pulling that off or building upon that.

However I have included some more (draft) lyrics intended for the chorus - in case you want to have a go at writing something for verse 2.

If it wasn't for me, yeah you wouldn't be free
And you've sunk too low to disagree

[Choir:]Forgive and then move on just don't forget
You wont regret you tried to live
[Choir] Forgive - don't forget
I'm alive!


---

My current status is that I am trying to rethink the vocal recording, I am not happy with the current version.


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Amir Razmara
post Nov 4 2014, 03:53 PM
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Kris, I'm glad to have your perspective on this. When writing that line I was thinking the verse could be a bit more balanced in terms of it's symmetry and length that's why I felt that 3rd line could use something to lead in to it to make everything square smile.gif but the language I used is concrete as you mentioned and I agree It doesn't quite fit in. Perhaps a better line that is more on the cryptic side could work, that is if you wanted to have a symmetrical phrase, 8 bars & 4 lines. But after you explained about establishing the scenario and keeping it concise I can see how the original idea could work by it self.

BTW I think your being way too modest about your songwriting abilities. You are very good at what you do to say the least wink.gif and I couldn't think of a better way to spent my time and energy than on a project like this.

This post has been edited by Amir Razmara: Nov 4 2014, 03:54 PM
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Kristofer Dahl
post Nov 5 2014, 03:30 PM
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Ok bear with me -

I wasn’t really happy with the vocals so I have re-recorded and tweaked. They are bit more consistent now.
I am being picky here, because if vocals don't feel 100% right from start, I don't think the song is worth much.

Any feedback is welcome!

Attached File  song_collab_vocal_test3_nov5.mp3 ( 3.36MB ) Number of downloads: 74


Yesterday, I heard you say
Be my man and make love to me

But the problem is this, it wasn't meant for me!
But for an old and long time friend of ours

What do you do, and what do you say
When your life is about to sway away

[solo break]

Lies and lies
Compromise
Sacrifice
Lies & lies & lies!


@ Amir thanks a million for your kind words! =) I see your point with adding a 3rd line - though I think the vocals have been pretty busy up to this point - so some kind of breathing room here would be nice.


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Amir Razmara
post Nov 5 2014, 06:23 PM
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I think the previous version preserved more of that Kristofer Dahl character, in the way of aggression and humor. Here are some points about word enunciation in the previous version: the line"Yesterday, I heard you say" sounded a bit more serious and accusatory Which it needs to be because the song is making a point about her betrayal..... the new version sounded like a drunk man who didn't mind too much ( smile.gif ) "Be my man and make love to me"got lost a bit in the new version. In the previous version I like the way you sing "But the problem is this" because it captures your humor more. Also over Bleeze's part...keeping the words "Unfaithful lies" is not a bad idea because it builds more momentum toward the 4th line "Lies & lies & lies". Also in the new version I don't hear the word "but" in the following line which makes that line less effective. These are just the things I am noticing what do you think?

But the problem is this, it wasn't meant for me!
--->But<---for an old and long time friend of ours

This post has been edited by Amir Razmara: Nov 5 2014, 08:41 PM
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Todd Simpson
post Nov 10 2014, 10:07 AM
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I'm liking where this is all going I think! Still wanting some solo bits?


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Kristofer Dahl
post Nov 10 2014, 09:15 PM
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QUOTE (Todd Simpson @ Nov 10 2014, 11:07 AM) *
I'm liking where this is all going I think! Still wanting some solo bits?


Yes of course, please send any ideas you have!


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Amir Razmara
post Dec 2 2014, 04:45 AM
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Kris please let us know when you'll have time to work more on this song smile.gif

This post has been edited by Amir Razmara: Dec 3 2014, 06:49 PM
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Kristofer Dahl
post Dec 2 2014, 10:15 PM
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Thanks so much Amir for supporting this one and showing you want to see final product!

I have certainly not forgotten about it but I felt it needed to rest a little bit. I find that instead of banging one's head against the wall it is better to focus on something else and then all of a sudden the solutions will come. For example I have a plan to actually work a little bit on singing a cover song, I probably haven't done that for 10 years if ever - but just to get some vocal insights and be able to return to this one.

One thing is for sure, if we manage to pull this one off I think it will be a powerful statement!


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