101 Rules Of Death & Black Metal [humour]
101 Rules Of Death & Black Metal [humour]
Sep 5 2007, 10:14 PM
Joined: 3-September 07
From: Utrecht, Netherlands
Member No.: 2.676
Hey guys, by popular (?) request I decided to post some more weird lists. I am afraid that unlike the Power Metal one, these lists might only amuse people who are quite into these genres of Metal.
Some might find certain things on these lists offensive, and for that, I apologize beforehand.
Oh, and I posted both these lists in the same topic as I didn't want to spam the forum too much
Here follows the 101 rules of black metal, then maybe you'll se why Cradle of Filth aren't considered black:
1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Remember, Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 months after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only
interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true"
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members or on your secret "im gonna kill him" list.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have
your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. rarely play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, you mention tremolo riffs about 5 times and the other person still has no idea
what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died
because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to
produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less
wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects
as "session" musicians. "Don't forget secret [kill em] list"
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the
word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still
sound the same way it did 9 f-in years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever
greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one
inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the
terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder
paper in the middle of math class or your kid brothers spirograph.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you
really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine
Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to kiss the Dark Lord's greasy ass at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy arse" whenever
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the freakin...whups, "****in" day, and instead of looking evil, look dork...*blink* *blink*...ACH!, never mind, see rule 1.
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house at x-mas time is not "pimping it".
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily >:-(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hyms are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. F#%K, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested
tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, younger brothers legos etc. (See also "clouded frost spire" )
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists
of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend,
and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-shit shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-shit" whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "****" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and
therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish, esperanto.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and go look for a bridge to sit under..."fight" soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!
1. Follow the rules of Death Metal
2. Death Metallers need to have really long hair (maybe down to their ankles) or no hair at all but a long beard
3. Always add a couple of blood stains in your band logo
4. Don't you ever write satanic lyrics unless you are Glen Benton
5. Be Glen Benton
6. Use the word "Skull" instead of "School" to be brutal
7. Hate subgenres, there's nothing more than "Old School Death Metal" period
8. Always claim to be Old School, even if you don't know who Xecutioner were
9. You hate the fact that people say "Death" created the genre
10. If you have an Arch Enemy record always say the following: "They suck, but Angela Gossow is sooo hot"
11. You already sold your "In Flames" albums along with everything that it's not "Old School"
12. Try to look really pissed in photos
13. Always look at the camera, but your face must be pointing upwards or downwards
14. Be GROOOOOOOWL
15. Use the word Growl a lot
16. Tell people you lived to see the "Tape Trading" days even when you're only 15 years old
17. Use a lot…and I mean a freaking lot of Breakdowns in your music
18. Always copy the riffs of someone else
19. Jump whenever you hear the main riff of "Hammer Smashed Face"
20. Hide your Cannibal Corpse albums from your mom
21. Always end the name of your band with the postfix "Ation" (Suffocation, Immolation, Incantation, Tribulation, etc.)
22. If you can't think of any name with "Ation" replace it with "Ment" (Enthrallment, Dismemberment, Abolishment, Cadaverment, etc.)
23. Ok, let's say you still can't think of any name…there's still "Ence" for you (Abhorrence, Vehemence, Benevolence, Decadence, etc.)
24. Chances are you'll end up naming your band Disgorge anyway…
25. Fart a lot
26. Burp a lot
27. Don't have a girlfriend
28. If you have a girlfriend Burp and Fart on her nose…
29. You were a member of Death
30. People say you are(were) a member of Brujeria
31. Make sure to bring your meathook for a sodomy night
32. Be extremely GROOOOOOWL
33. End a phrase with GROOOOOOOWL
34. Don't you ever…EVER…listen to Melodeath
35. Hate Melodeath by any means
36. Melodeath is totally gay
37. You have "Heartwork" in you CD collection
38. "Heartwork" was the first Melodeath album ever released
39. Therefore you're gay
40. Then you seriously hate Swedish Death Metal…
41. Swedish Metal is totally gay
42. You have the entire Unleashed collection
43. Unleashed is a Swedish Death Band
44. Therefore you're gay
45. You still hate bands like Dark Tranquility and In Flames
46. That doesn't mean you're not gay
47. You have the amazing capability of contradicting yourself
48. Always go to concerts and leave with blood in your face
49. The blood must be of someone else's nose
50. Mosh till your arms fall out from your body
51. Mosh until your legs break in half
53. Erik Rutan mastered your record
54. In Death Metal orgasms always come with pain instead of pleasure
55. Hate everything that is not Death Metal
56. Hate everything that is not GROWL
57. You were never a kid
58. You were born an adult
59. Have no sense of humor
60. Pee outside the can
61. Eat nothing but read meat and things that make your body fat
62. Be fat
63. Try to be extremely fat
64. If you're not fat you are Trey Azagthoth
65. Tell a cartoonist to draw your album cover
66. Tell him you want a lot of blood and sex in it
67. Always use a lot of naked chicks in your covers
68. Those naked chicks are obviously cadavers
69. Sodomize the cadavers found in your artwork
70. Dismember the cadavers in your artwork that you already sodomized
71. Have sex with the remaining parts
72. You have to be seriously sick in the head to be a Death Metaller
73. If you don't have naked chicks available, use anything that looks like pulp for your album cover
74. The good trick comes when you use pulpified fruits that look kind of Gore
75. Name your songs after diseases that don't even exist.
76. Try to use "Semen" a lot when writing lyrics
77. "Flesh", "Skin", "Bowels" and words that sound creepy are so Brutal
78. Hate Black Metal
79. You only use Black Metal words (like "Necro") to name your band
80. You only like Philip Anselmo for being a member of "Necrophagia"
81. You maybe still respect Thrash Metal bands like Pantera and Metallica
82. Pantera used to be Glam Metal and Metallica released a Nu-Metal album
83. Therefore you're gay
84. There's no way possible for you to escape gayness
85. You don't use a Bass for layers or synchronization, you use it to make your music illegible and Gore
86. You can poo in public places
87. Never say "poo" always go with "Feces"
88. Faeces are so Br00Tall
89. For you Carcass died after "Necroticism…"
90. Always use fake blood at a concert
91. It's not Brutal, it's Br00Tall
92. Blast Beats are our friends
93. Remember to play as fast as Diarrhea
94. Hate trees, trolls, wolves, and non-Br00tall things, they're gay
95. Love guts, blood, cannibals, murder, and GROWL things, they're still gay but GROWL
96. Be Gore enough to scare kids and moms
97. Keep your Gore level down for your friends, you're still a social being
98. Download tons of porn
99. Say Hostel and SAW III were mild movies even though you almost puked in the theatre
100. Don't talk…Growl
101. Make sure you're dumb and loser enough to write 101 rules for Death Metal, in other cases, be dumb and loser enough to read 101 stupid phrases about Death Metal.
Edited for language, you'll get the picture anyway. Micke
This post has been edited by MickeM: Jun 17 2008, 08:58 AM
Sep 6 2007, 12:22 AM
Joined: 9-January 07
From: Alta, Norway
Member No.: 1.061
Hehe, as a black metal fan I've heard this so many times that its not funny anymore Used to be fun though
Sep 6 2007, 03:35 AM
Fire Up The Blades, Moderator
Group: GMC Senior
Joined: 6-March 07
From: St. Petersburg, Florida
Member No.: 1.304
Dont listen to Peccatum?!?!?!
Sep 6 2007, 04:27 AM
Joined: 11-June 07
Member No.: 2.062
Lmao funny as hell!!! loved both! thanks for sharing
how about a Thrash Metal one? My favorite is Thrash Metal!! im sure i could have a laugh!!!!
This post has been edited by FretDancer69: Sep 6 2007, 04:28 AM
Playing Guitar Since: December 2006
Sep 6 2007, 04:34 AM
Joined: 7-December 06
Member No.: 973
shouldnt "true" spelled "tr00" i mean its not kvlt if its not spelled that way.
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one
inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable
This post has been edited by VinceG: Sep 6 2007, 04:34 AM
My Last.fm account. View it for all the terrible music I play on a daily basis
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