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> Help With Lyrics !, Final Sacrifice, please help me with spelling ;)
Juan M. Valero
post Oct 4 2007, 09:29 PM
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First of all I wanna say that my English is not too good but I need to write some songs for my band, and I'd like that you help me with my spelling. So feel free to coment all the mistakes that I do in those words, and if you want you can change all the sentences that are necesary wink.gif


FINAL SACRIFICE:

You're time has gone...

Verse 1:
Long time ago, just when I was young, all were in peace
but today I cannot see, blind prefer to seem my soul
That's what you've got

Bridge:
All the seas now are dry
you cannot see the bright of the light
All the trees now are died
it's the end of time

Chorus:
Your time has gone it's the Final Sacrifice
you feel alone, you're gonna die (repeat)
time has gone

Verse 2:
Look around, the world is a crazy land, a dagerous ground
it's too late to change this place, it's your gloomy fate that burns
you lose all control

Repeat bridge and chorus

-----

As you can see it's very simple, hehe, I cannot do something better. Well... what do you think about ??
You can also write another 2 bridges for me tongue.gif

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Andrew Cockburn
post Oct 4 2007, 10:26 PM
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FINAL SACRIFICE:

Your time has gone...

Verse 1:
Long time ago, when I was just young, all was in peace
but today I cannot see, my soul seems to prefer blindness
That's what you've got

Bridge:
All the seas now are dry
you cannot see the brightness of the light
All the trees now are dead
it's the end of time

Chorus:
Your time has gone it's the Final Sacrifice
you feel alone, you're gonna die (repeat)
time has gone

Verse 2:
Look around, the world is a crazy land, a dangerous ground
it's too late to change this place, it's your gloomy fate that burns
you lose all control

Repeat bridge and chorus

-----



Hey Juan,

Looks like a cool set of lyrics - only one spelling mistake I noticed, but I changed a couple of lines a little so that they read better - of course that my harm the timing so take this as suggestions and a first step - hope this is helpful!

This post has been edited by Andrew Cockburn: Oct 4 2007, 10:26 PM


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Juan M. Valero
post Oct 4 2007, 11:19 PM
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Thanks Andrew !!! well, I'd like to ask you some questions tongue.gif

Can I change the word positions in a poetry ?? it means if I can change the verb to the first position and the subject to the end of the sentence. For instance: "blind prefer to seem my soul" (or "blind seems to prefer my soul")
I ask it because I'd like that the last word in this sentence was "soul"

And in "brightness of the light" I think it sounds better "brightness of light" (without "the"), is it correct ?

Thanks !!!! biggrin.gif


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Andrew Cockburn
post Oct 4 2007, 11:29 PM
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QUOTE (Juan M. Valero @ Oct 4 2007, 06:19 PM) *
Thanks Andrew !!! well, I'd like to ask you some questions tongue.gif

Can I change the word positions in a poetry ?? it means if I can change the verb to the first position and the subject to the end of the sentence. For instance: "blind prefer to seem my soul" (or "blind seems to prefer my soul")
I ask it because I'd like that the last word in this sentence was "soul"

And in "brightness of the light" I think it sounds better "brightness of light" (without "the"), is it correct ?

Thanks !!!! biggrin.gif


Sure, the first one could be "blindness seems to prefer my soul", and "brightness of light" should work fine - "you cannot see the brightness of light" reads well smile.gif


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Saoirse O'Shea
post Oct 4 2007, 11:54 PM
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If you were putting the words 'blind prefer to seem my soul' out of order to force the verse to rhyme or scan it would be a form of doggerel Juan. TBH I actually like it like that but then I like poetry generally smile.gif .

Cheers,
Tony


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mattacuk
post Oct 4 2007, 11:55 PM
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Good work guys! I am sure this will be a hit song Juan ! smile.gif

Im working on a song about a little fishy..... laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Oh dear ohmy.gif


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Juan M. Valero
post Oct 5 2007, 12:24 AM
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yeah, thanks you guys !!! you can't imagine how I apreciate your help !!!

So the final lyrics are:



FINAL SACRIFICE:

Your time has gone...

Verse 1:
Long time ago, when I was just young, all was in peace
but today I cannot see, blindness seems to prefer my soul
That's what you've got

Bridge:
All the seas now are dry
you cannot see the brightness of light
All the trees now are dead
it's the end of time

Chorus:
Your time has gone it's the Final Sacrifice
you feel alone, you're gonna die (repeat)
time has gone

Verse 2:
Look around, the world is a crazy land, a dangerous ground
it's too late to change this place, it's your gloomy fate that burns
you lose all control

Repeat bridge and chorus


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Davidian
post Oct 5 2007, 12:45 AM
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Bridge:
All the seas now are dry
you cannot see the brightness of light
All the trees now are dead
it's the end of time

maybe if you switch some words it would be easier to sing them like :

Bridge:
All the seas are dry now
you cannot see the brightness of light
All the trees are dead now
it's the end of time

dunno if this helps but if i were to sing those lyrics it think it would be easier in second way smile.gif

This post has been edited by Davidian: Oct 5 2007, 12:46 AM


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Saoirse O'Shea
post Oct 5 2007, 01:10 AM
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I don't sing so don't know which is easier and what make something easier to sing.

In poetry you generally don't place emphasis on the last word in a line. Changing the order of words can let you put an emphasis that wouldn't otherwise be there:

ALL the leaves are green, AND the sky is grey

To be or not to be: THAT is the question

God in HIS wisdom
Created the fly
And THEN forgot
To tell us why
(Ogden Nash)

ALL the seas NOW are dry

and so on.

Nonetheless I haven't a clue if it's singable that way round. So as Davidian says it might be a good idea to try both ways and see which is more comfortable for you to sing Juan.

Cheers,
Tony


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Robin
post Oct 5 2007, 01:37 AM
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QUOTE (Juan M. Valero @ Oct 4 2007, 10:19 PM) *
Thanks Andrew !!! well, I'd like to ask you some questions tongue.gif

Can I change the word positions in a poetry ?? it means if I can change the verb to the first position and the subject to the end of the sentence. For instance: "blind prefer to seem my soul" (or "blind seems to prefer my soul")
I ask it because I'd like that the last word in this sentence was "soul"

And in "brightness of the light" I think it sounds better "brightness of light" (without "the"), is it correct ?

Thanks !!!! biggrin.gif

Talk like Yoda you must.


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Juan M. Valero
post Oct 5 2007, 01:46 AM
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Yeah it's a good idea, my intention with this sentences is that use 2 words that rhyme, like "dry" and "die"...

I think another posibility is :

All the seas now are dry
you cannot see the brightness of light
All the trees gonna die
it's the end of time


is the rhyme ok ?? and it's correct "all the trees gonna die" or I need to put the verb : "all the trees ARE gonna die"

It's very interesting how to write lyrics smile.gif Now I'm reading lot of lyrics of my favorites bands and taking notes !!! laugh.gif I need study hard !!


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Saoirse O'Shea
post Oct 5 2007, 02:00 AM
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Well you already have part of the verb tense with 'gonna' (going to) Juan putting in the 'are' just tidies up the progressive. If you miss it out you might need a slight pause between singing the 'All the trees' and 'gonna die' - which to me could sound kind of nice.

Cheers,
Tony


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Andrew Cockburn
post Oct 5 2007, 02:02 AM
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QUOTE (Juan M. Valero @ Oct 4 2007, 08:46 PM) *
is the rhyme ok ?? and it's correct "all the trees gonna die" or I need to put the verb : "all the trees ARE gonna die"



The second is more correct but the first would work if you need it to scan that way, so yes it would be fine IMO


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Juan M. Valero
post Oct 5 2007, 02:45 AM
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Thanks !!! Well there is a little pause, but I think I use both options hehehe, I write in the lyrics "All the trees (are) gonna die" but sing "all the trees gonna die" hehehe I thinks it's the easier solution for this point smile.gif


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Goliath
post Dec 10 2007, 05:40 PM
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I'm going to make a pass at your lyrics, probably completely bastardizing them in the process. Since I'm using fast reply, my edits can be found in CAPS <ok I decided to put it in a real reply, edits are now bold followed by numbers to explain why I made changes>

FINAL SACRIFICE:

Your time HAS COME1...

Verse 1:
A Long time ago, when I was STILL 2 young, all was AT3 peace
but today I cannot see, blindness seems to WRACK4 my soul
That's what you've got

Bridge:
All the seas ARE NOW 5 dry
you cannot see the BRILLIANCE6 of THE7 light
All the trees ARE DOOMED TO DIE8
it's the end of time

Chorus:
Your time HAS COME9 it's the Final Sacrifice
you STAND10 alone, you're gonna die (repeat)
THE time has COME11

Verse 2:
Look around, the world is a crazy land, a dangerous ground
it's too late to change this place, it's your gloomy fate that burns
you HAVE LOST12 all control

Repeat bridge and chorus



Now the dangerous part. I don't know exactly what your motives were or what you were trying to evoke, but from what I interpretted I tweaked them in a manner that would hopefully minimize their effect in the song.

1. "your time has gone" would be appropriate if you were speaking to a group of people, perhaps telling them that their era has come to an end, but with the title of the song "your time has come" seems more appropriate since you seem to be addressing an individual and it seems that they're the one who will be making the "final sacrifice".

2. "still" seems to flow better than "just". If you want to keep "Just", perhaps change the lyric to "just a child" or "just a boy"/"just a youth" etc.

3. I've since lost the english nerd/grammar nazi vocabulary to explain to you why you would use "at" instead of "in" but the best example I can come up with is when combined with an action verb it's ok to use "in", but when using a more passive verb (this is where I'm at a loss for the proper word) to describe something's state of being, "at" is more appropriate "he is AT peace". At also further demonstrates which peace you are describing since peace and piece are homophone.

4."wrack" seems more malicious and seems more clear (to me anyway) than "prefer". Another action verb could be used here appropriately, that was the first one that jumped up at me.

5. Changed to establish parallelism with 8.

6. "brightness" and "bright" when used as a descriptor of "light" is pretty cliched. Brilliance is perhaps not the best word and probably doesn't denote the intensity you're probably going for, but it's just a more interesting word choice. Other words could work better probably but that was the firs tone that sprang to mind.

7. "the" denotes a specific light as opposed to just light in general.

8. "are doomed to die" now rhymes with the first line of the bridge plus sounds more inevitable and kind of builds on the aura you're establishing with the song.

9. See 1.

10. "stand" in place of "feel" further creates a sense of abaondonment in my mind as you can "feel" alone in a crowded room, but when you stand alone, you're by yourself. (what if Godsmack changed their song to "I feel alone" rather than "I stand alone", just not the same tongue.gif)

11. see 1.

12. "Have Lost" makes the person your'e talking to already sound powerless, "will lose" could also work, depending if you wanted to make the outcome sound more inevitable or more imminent.

Of course this is your song, so I won't be hurt if you reject some or all of my recommendations. I'm just bored sitting in a jobsite trailer waiting for lunch to show up tongue.gif

Of course, if the lyrics weren't going to be in English then my suggestions mean about as flogaliantarianism, which is a word I just made up, and have not assigned a meaning to tongue.gif.

This post has been edited by Goliath: Dec 10 2007, 05:49 PM


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Juan M. Valero
post Dec 10 2007, 10:19 PM
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Oh my God, you have done a great work !!!! I like lot of the changes that you have done, unfortunately other changes don't work in this song, but are great.
Please can you listen the song ?? here is the link:
https://www.guitarmasterclass.net/guitar_fo...?showtopic=9292

Yeah, thanks for your explanation, I will write more lyrics, so I like you help me in that work (I know I write veeeery baaad)... and if you like writing please give me some lyrics and I try to do the song =)


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Batista
post Dec 10 2007, 10:22 PM
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At last you have improved A LOT since you started to instruct here and write here on regular basis. smile.gif


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Juan M. Valero
post Dec 10 2007, 10:37 PM
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Are you sure ?? I feel more stupid every day !!! laugh.gif

BTW thanks for your coment smile.gif hehe


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Goliath
post Dec 11 2007, 02:28 AM
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Your english has improved five fold than your first lesson, you sure have enthusiasm so if you keep at it at the forums, you'll be talking circles around me in no time.

The arrangement was very good, it reminds me of Leaves Eyes somewhat.

I keep trying to make suggestions but in the end I keep coming back to "The Final Countdown" by Europe. The one I did come back with was some sort of swell after the solo almost like another verse where everything is kind of brought to a pinnacle before you kick in to the last chorus.

If you've not heard of Leaves' Eyes, you should check them out, they have a similar sound to what it sounds like you're going for.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fusea...iendID=30545763

That is their myspace profile .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXHEKptrweA
Farewell Proud Men

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XbctRM2mvg...feature=related
Elegy <--- This one is more in the vein of what yours sounds like.

I'd be happy to help you write songs if you like. I'm not motivated enough to sit down and really come up with my own concepts for lyrics and stuff, but you're welcome to bounce ideas off me and I'll help you flesh them out. If you even just provide a theme you're going for I'll pen you some lyrics that you can use as you see fit. So feel free to shoot me a PM or something, I just happened across this thread because I got curious what guitar you were using in a video tongue.gif


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Juan M. Valero
post Dec 11 2007, 08:36 AM
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Thanks Goliath !!! you are hemping me a lot biggrin.gif now I'm going to work (I'm a pharmacist) but when I have return I will see all the links that you post !!
And don't doubt I will PM you when I would have more lyrics biggrin.gif

Thanks again smile.gif


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