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> Joke Thread?, Clean ones only (GP13 max)
leedbreak
post Nov 12 2007, 07:42 AM
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Whoops I meant PG 13

Why did the first monkey jump out of the tree?





























he was dead
Why did the second monkey jump from the tree?


































He was tied to the first monkey.
Why did the third money jump from the tree?





























peer pressure :-)

This post has been edited by leedbreak: Nov 12 2007, 07:43 AM


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Spiderusalem
post Nov 12 2007, 07:44 AM
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I know the secret to Deja Vu



















I know the secret to Deja Vu


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ClifordACDC
post Nov 12 2007, 07:55 AM
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how to keep a idiot busy (see end of post)

























how to keep a idiot busy (see top of post)

This post has been edited by ClifordACDC: Nov 12 2007, 07:56 AM


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leedbreak
post Nov 12 2007, 08:09 AM
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A man is fishing along the shore. He ties a rock to a stick of dynamite then lights it.

Out of now where a Game Warden runs up to him and says that is an illegal way to fish.

The man hands the smoking dynamite to the game warden and says are you going write me a ticket or fish.


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VinceG
post Nov 12 2007, 09:37 AM
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not really a joke but w/e

Wife: Hmm food is good tonight.
Husband: Yea, but its a little crowded in here.
Wife: What do you mean? Theres only two of us
Husband: I know, it used to be just me and the pot


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The Uncreator
post Nov 12 2007, 10:09 AM
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heres a joke my teahcer told us about married couples...some of you might find it funny, other will be like "Meh..."


Whats the shortest sentence in the english language?

I Am. (I dont know if it is, but bear with me)

Whats the longest sentence in the english language?

I do.
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David Wallimann
post Nov 12 2007, 11:02 AM
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I don't know anything about music, but I love to hang out with musicians. I love bands. As a matter of fact, I love them so much that I let them practice at my place. who am I?

































the drummer


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The Uncreator
post Nov 12 2007, 11:08 AM
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Why do guitarists put drumsticks on there dashboard.....???












































So they can park in the handicap space in parking lots!
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Slammer
post Nov 12 2007, 11:14 AM
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Since we're on the subject of Drummer Jokes tongue.gif



How do you know when there's a drummer at the door?






























































































His timing is terrible and he never knows when to come in!
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PacmanProduction...
post Nov 12 2007, 11:29 AM
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ive got a long one... and then i short and sweet one...


first: short one....

there were 2 muffins in an oven
one muffin said to the other "oh my god it is hot in here.."
the other muffin said " oh my god it is a talking muffin.."

Second: long one.....

why do elephants paint there toenails red?

to hide in cherry trees.


have u seen elephants with red toenails?

if u havent, its because there hiding in cherry trees.


why should u never walk through a forest btwn 3-4 pm?

thats the time when elephants tend to jump out of trees.


why are pigmes (excuse my spelling) so small?

because they walk through the forest through 3-4 pm.



and for the life of me i cant remember the rest of the joke!!!!!!!!!!!!

i have a bunch others but they're kinda durrttyy....

well heres another...

one day there was a man fishing. he had been fishing for about 3 hrs and not caught anything. then a fellow fisherman drove by in his boat.
the fishless fisherman told the other fisherman, "you know that saying, 'if you give a man a fish, he can eat for a day, but if you teach a man to fish, he can eat for a lifetime?'" "yeah." comes the reply.
"that man wasnt a fisherman." said the fishless fisherman.


not really funny, but i had to contribute


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leedbreak
post Nov 12 2007, 12:03 PM
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A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. 

This post has been edited by leedbreak: Nov 12 2007, 12:05 PM


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SLASH91
post Nov 12 2007, 12:09 PM
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Crap, I don't have any that are rated PG-13. mad.gif


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leedbreak
post Nov 12 2007, 12:11 PM
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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

NOW --------

Enough of that . . .

The donkey later came back and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from infection.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your a**, it always comes back to bite you.


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spdalton
post Nov 13 2007, 01:30 PM
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Heh, I hadn't heard the extra ending from that donkey joke before.




How do you get a million dollars from being a musician?























Start with two million


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Zephyr
post Nov 13 2007, 01:36 PM
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David Bowie.






























I think he's a joke... biggrin.gif
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PacmanProduction...
post Nov 13 2007, 01:38 PM
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QUOTE (Zephyr @ Nov 13 2007, 06:36 AM) *
David Bowie.
I think he's a joke... biggrin.gif

ha that was a good one... tongue.gif


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Zephyr
post Nov 13 2007, 02:11 PM
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Time for some Chuck Norris jokes...

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him proudly until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Approximately 180,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

That's all I have for now... laugh.gif
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swingline
post Nov 13 2007, 02:51 PM
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This ones sort of mean but bear with me


Why did Helen Keller's Dog run away?















































You would too if your name was rahhrheddhedarr


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SLASH91
post Nov 13 2007, 09:55 PM
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QUOTE (swingline @ Nov 13 2007, 07:51 AM) *
This ones sort of mean but bear with me
Why did Helen Keller's Dog run away?
You would too if your name was rahhrheddhedarr



laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

This post has been edited by SLASH91: Nov 13 2007, 09:56 PM


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"Remember to live, eat, sleep and breathe music for the mind, play from your heart and never be swayed by the current trends"-
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My gear:

Marshall Valvstate
Digitech Distortion Factory
Jackson RR24 (Randy Rhoads)
Ibanez RG2550e
A ripoff brand acoustic guitar
and a Yamaha Classical guitar :)
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Chris Evans
post Nov 28 2007, 04:46 PM
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Ok so one one of the other topics earlier farts came into play and it got me on this joke biggrin.gif

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."


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