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> Mind Over Heart
Rated Htr
post Dec 3 2007, 11:35 PM
Post #1


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Written 11 of June 2007

Old style of mine, much more open to concret ideas...Now I consider myself to be more abstract, Still, here it is....


Mind Over Heart
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He gazed upon the shining moon
a knife close to his heart.
He sacrificed his future self
Got ready to depart.

He gave away what he desired
He wished for her success.
As he watched her smile fading,
an arrow passed through his chest.
His soul reached for the heaven’s door
Got lost in the way.
She said she loved another one,
While he stood still until his decay

Mind over heart the Great Ones say,
After 3 battles he learnt to obey.
Reason has reached inside his head,
He will keep on or end up dead

He knew that it was tragic to tell,
but he couldn’t settle for more.
He kept on going to preserve the night,
and the secret to ignore.
He cried white tears because he failed,
he lost his wise idea.
The past surround his empty thoughts,
he stared once again to his old fear.

Mind over heart the Great Ones say,
He realized she was far away.
Far from discovering what is real,
He tried to avenge, his heart was killed.

Mind over heart the Great Ones say.

He sat and took the feather ink,
he wrote down on the walls.
With his own blood he left written.
“The almighty one always falls.”

Mind over heart the Great Ones say,
After 3 battles he learnt to obey.
Reason has reached inside his head,
He will keep on or end up dead

Mind over heart the Great Ones say,
He realized she was far away.
Far from discovering what is real,
He tried to avenge, his heart was killed.

Mind over heart the Great Ones say,
After 3 battles he learnt to obey.
Reason has reached inside his head,
he will keep on or end up dead

This post has been edited by Rated Htr: Dec 3 2007, 11:46 PM


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DeepRoots
post Dec 3 2007, 11:39 PM
Post #2


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Nice lyrics- i like this style alot...

In the opening line- in place of "shiny moon" can i suggest "shining moon"
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Rated Htr
post Dec 3 2007, 11:46 PM
Post #3


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Thanks, Will do...

*Edit*


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Currently Practicing

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Legato: Ben's Land Of Legato
Alternate Picking: Alternate Picking Workout #5
Chords: Chord Melody Technique

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Owen
post Dec 4 2007, 12:02 AM
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To start I really like this one, cool.gif I can see how you could fit a nice melodic piece to it, there are a few points that jarr with me though so I'll point them out: smile.gif

QUOTE (Rated Htr @ Dec 3 2007, 02:35 PM) *
Mind Over Heart
----------------------
----------------------

He gazed upon the shining moon
a knife close to his heart.
He sacrificed his future self
Got ready to depart.

Strong first paragraph, If I'm being picky I would replace Got with Getting perhaps, smoothen the flow out a little

He gave away what he desired
He wished for her success.
As he watched her smile fading,
an arrow passed through his chest.

Good first section, strong vibe, maybe split the second part into a new verse?

His soul reached for the heaven’s door
Got lost in the way.
She said she loved another one,
While he stood still until his decay

Getting lost upon the way I would suggest, you can see my aversion to got wink.gif

Mind over heart the Great Ones say,
After 3 battles he learnt to obey.
Reason has reached inside his head,
He will keep on or end up dead

Head and dead seem such a forced rhyme, whereas the flow between say and obey feel more natural

He knew that it was tragic to tell,
but he couldn’t settle for more.
He kept on going to preserve the night,
and the secret to ignore.
He cried white tears because he failed,
he lost his wise idea.
The past surround his empty thoughts,
he stared once again to his old fear.

Mind over heart the Great Ones say,
He realized she was far away.
Far from discovering what is real,
He tried to avenge, his heart was killed.

Mind over heart the Great Ones say.

He sat and took the feather ink,
he wrote down on the walls.
With his own blood he left written.
“The almighty one always falls.”

I can see more 'the almighty always fall' as a more bold statement, the use of 'one' seems to negate the sense of power in what you are saying

Mind over heart the Great Ones say,
After 3 battles he learnt to obey.
Reason has reached inside his head,
He will keep on or end up dead

Mind over heart the Great Ones say,
He realized she was far away.
Far from discovering what is real,
He tried to avenge, his heart was killed.

Mind over heart the Great Ones say,
After 3 battles he learnt to obey.
Reason has reached inside his head,
he will keep on or end up dead


Some good stuff here, great ideas!

What I think is helpful when writing poety and lyrics with rhyming, or in general even, is to run each verse over in your head and see if it sounds right and flows naturally without hesitation, if you find a word that jarrs it may be wise to look over it, unless it is jarring for the purpose of dramatic effect.

All in all though, a very good piece of work smile.gif

This post has been edited by Owen: Dec 4 2007, 12:03 AM


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Rated Htr
post Dec 4 2007, 09:35 PM
Post #5


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Great to have such an intense review, at some point of my writting, I don't get very concern about the words I'm using because they appear naturally in my head, but not a bad thing to start with. I'll try to come back to that style, I was always concern that people would understand what I'm saying so I vegan to be more abstract and, forced to do more intension writting, therefore, I'll go back to this style.

Thanks Owen smile.gif


--------------------
Currently Practicing

Rhythm: Finnish Power Metal III: Nightwish
Legato: Ben's Land Of Legato
Alternate Picking: Alternate Picking Workout #5
Chords: Chord Melody Technique

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