Fountain Of Life(need Help), Includes little riff samples on gp Options

[Tuubsu]

So, here's some lyrics for a song that I'm working on right now, it's called fountain of Life. The song is, I think deathmetal, I'm not sure because I've never really listened to any death metal. I've would like to have some help from more experienced lyricist, like The Uncreator for example or anyone else, because I'm stuck right now, been for awhile now.

The Idea of the song lyrics are as follows:
Now I'm not a religious man, in fact I'm an atheist, but I believe it's a part of every religion to live your life as god intended, so If you commit suicide, you don't go to heaven, and if it would be possible to make your life longer for example drinking from some fountain, you wouldn't go to heaven, am I right?

So, the story goes like this. Three OLD men go searching for a fountain of health but, their journey isn't easy as the climate and the grounds are brutal on their way.

So I was thinking FOR Example(not necessary final) the first verse could describe the climate of their trip(dark hard rains, hard winds etc.) and finally one of the men would collapse and realize that, he is too tired and too old to go on, he accepts hes destiny and dies and goes to heaven.

The second verse could describe the surroundings(thick forests, high hills etc.) and finally another man would realize that hes too weak and too old to carry on, accepts his destiny and dies and goes to heaven.

Third verse could have a completely different "feel" in it (kinda dark, wtf is going on) the last man would find the fountain maybe drink from it possibly die somehow and go to hell, for "trying to play god".

Chorus could somehow just describe the journey in general for example.

The rythm or... singing melody is pretty free actually, heres what I've got so far:

Fountain Of Health
---------------------

(Intro spoken)
Three men... Past their prime...
Set their journey towards
The fountain of life

(Chorus)


(1st verse)
Rains so dark,
Winds so fierce,

One man collapses
on his knees

(KInda prechorus)
Too tired to keep going
Too old to keep living
He lays on his back
and ascends...
to heaven

(Chorus)

(Guitar solo/melody)

(2nd verse)
Forests so thick,
Hills so high,

Another man falls
and finds his time

(Kinda prechorus)
Too weak to keep climbing,
Too Old to keep living,
He lays on his back
And ascends...
To heaven

(Chorus)

(Guitar solo)

(The feel change)

(3rd verse)
Last man standing
on the edge of forever


I know theres not a lot to it yet but, I've got the Idea I just can't get it working, I just suck! please help me...
I you feel something would be better some other way, please tell me, these are not the final truths.

OH, and please do check this gp file also it has some of the riff ideas(I currently can't record).
It has the intro, possible 3rd verse and some riff I just came up with(I think it might just go to the dumpster though).
I really dig the 3rd verse riff, it's a shame how bad it sounds on gp, cos it sound A LOT better on the actual guitar, but you get the idea. I have came up with more riffs, including a cool riff with a lot of pinch harmonics, but these riffs I couldn't get sounding anywhere near decent with guitar pro so, you'll have to take my word for it.
 Fountain_Of_Life.gp5 ( 7.47K ) Number of downloads: 160

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